The Beast and Me - a diary - AU (TW)
by DarkSigyn
Summary: AU-ALTERNATIVE UNIVERSE; TW-TRIGGER WARNING (can trigger emotional distress); Diary-spelling errors and such are ON PURPOSE; HORROR MEANS HORROR A young student is taken by strangers, which are presumably members of a secret organization that experiments on humans. She realizes quickly what she what she was taken for: to help "socializing" one of the subjects… poster by Britcroft
1. Day 4

I would never have expected that something like this would have happened to me. There's nothing special about me, really. For all I know I'm average, at everything. At least I feel this way.

Maybe that was the reason. And the fact that I don't really have friends and that I was far away from the little family I got. All alone. I didn't really manage to make friends among my fellow students. Not that I didn't try, but maybe I'm too socially awkward, too average, not matching their standards. Pretty soon I had given up - like always - but why even trying when I end up being the one everyone talks about behind my back. So I'd rather stay out of these social bounds and mind my own business. It's easier anyway. But I guess that was one of the reasons they took me. Or everything was coincidence.  
I've been here for four days now - at least I think so - and I feel like they have really chosen me for something, because I am a loner. Never expected that this would make me special enough to be abducted.

I believe today is a Monday and with that it's the fourth day here, but I'm not sure for how long I've been knocked out. At least they gave me this, after I asked them, because I felt like going insane. I promised not to cause any trouble in my cell, like shouting or something. I have the feeling that they would hurt me if I'd do that, so that was a promise easy to make.  
Maybe the will throw it away, when something happens to me, but if you are reading this now something else might have happened. I don't know, I don't want to think about it. I just want to keep my mind together.

It was Friday evening. I was on my way home from the groceries, heading towards my den. Per foot, since my bike had been stolen a few days earlier - maybe it had been them, I should start to think about this like that - however it happened quick. Just like in a thriller: a dark car pulled over, someone grabbed me, a sting in my neck and the next thing I knew was that I was sitting in a dark room without any light. Apart from that faint one crawling through beneath the door. I instantly knew that it was a cell.  
First I shouted for help, but they left me completely alone. Surely they expected my reaction. First panic, then anger, then acceptance, as I realized that this metal door wouldn't open and no one would reply to me. I finally fell asleep from exhaustion.  
The second day was like the first: panic, anger, acceptance, and hunger. But the thirst was even worse. Until I realized that there wasn't only a door in this room. After exploring I found a basin and a toilet. So at least drinking was an issue. But there was still the hunger. I tried to drown it.  
Just like the third day. Which was like the second, apart from that I skipped the anger.  
And today, well today I did nothing after I wole up. I washed myself, trying to just sleep and hope that something changed. And it did. Someone came at my door, but I was too afraid to shout, because no one had shown up until the day I stopped crying for help.  
They gave me something to eat: bread, cheese an apple and coke. It tasted like paradise. And while I ate they told me that if I was a good girl, they wouldn't need do kill me. If I stayed silent and nice, I would even be allowed to ask for something little. So I asked for this book and a pen.  
I'm tired now. I got fruits for dinner and along with them came my book, my pen and a flashlight. And a good advice: "Stay nice."  
I don't want to think about tomorrow. I just want to sleep and hope I'm just in a coma, about to wake up.


	2. Day 5

I just got cereal for breakfast. My favorite one. Which creeps me out. But that wasn't the only thing creeping me out: I heard two men discuss in front of my door, but I couldn't really understand what they were saying. Only something about: testing first before continuing to invest more in something. Somehow I believe that they were talking about me. I feel tired and worn out. And I definitely have lost weight.

I got out of my cell today. It's evening now. I just don't know how to start, how to write this. They dragged me out of my cell. I couldn't see their faces because my eyes were used to the darkness of my cell. They just came in and grabbed me, dragged me down a corridor which wasn't that far, I believe. To a shower. One of those showers of a school gym. They told me to clean myself up and change clothes. There was everything there. Meaning everything that was mine. My shampoo and shower gel, absolutely everything. I believe they just emptied my dorm. Everyone will believe that I just left. They won't miss me. No one will miss me. My family will believe that I'm still here and the other students will just assume that I have left. The semester has just started. They won't miss me.

I should try not to panic. They said if I'd play nicely I would be okay. I have to cling to that, and try to stay sane. Maybe if I just describe this it will seem … different.

I did what they told me to. I expected them to come in any time and rape me, but nothing happened. Everything is clean, bright and new. White tiles and metal. Since I don't know how much time I had I hurried with everything, but after I had finished and dried my hair as well they kept me waiting. The only thing that was missing were shoes. The clothes they gave me were a pair of my training pants which already seemed to large, underwear and a t-shirt. It has some sort of mental institution flavor. This whole thing. If you think about it.

They took me again as suddenly as the first time and again I had no chance to see their faces because they blindfolded me. This time however I was allowed to walk on my own, they just held me at my upper arms and lead me down the corridor. Left. First time it was right. So away from my cell. I tried to focus on that so that I wouldn't freak out. They told me they wouldn't like me to freak out.

They unlocked something that sounded like a huge metal door and walked me inside. then through a second one. I think this isn't even important. I cannot really recall for how long I have walked and I lost sense of direction soon. Just when I felt like this would go on for all eternity: opening metal doors walking to the next, it stopped and before i realized my wrists were in chains. My heart hammered that fast I though it wanted to jump out of my chest.  
"There's a grate behind you, so relax", one of the men said, but it wasn't really helpful, because they left and closed the door behind them.  
I could hear how something else made of metal moved. That was then the words were helpful because it told me I wouldn't end up as a meal for something.  
Still: if I had thought my heart was going crazy after putting into chains, I was completely wrong. It was now. Every heartbeat hurt. Something came closer. I could hear its steps behind me. But I could barely move, definitely not reach my blindfold - I think that was it about. I wasn't allowed to sea whatever came close. Right to that grate separating me from it. I could hear it breathe, inhale, sniffing. It was catching my scent. I have no idea what this meant. What the hell could that be for? To find me again? Not that I was able to think something in that moment.  
Whatever it was it stayed calm and made a sound that - I don't know - sounded like a huge cat or a purring bear?  
"Okay, back!" a male voice sounded through a speaker. "Back now."  
There was a grunt behind me, but if seemed to understand that order.  
They came in, unchained me and dragged me out. And that was it.

I guess that was the test they had spoken about this morning. And I feel that I have passed it. I don't know if I should be happy about it.


	3. Day 6

I still don't know what yesterday was about. I got cereal and juice for breakfast and then they took me to what seems to be their workout room. Again I was blindfolded on the way there. I mean that means there's a chance to escape, right?  
Okay the workout room seems to be getting used. However they left me a plan what I should do. I'm not used to exercise but at least I'm not in that cell anymore and can somehow distract myself.  
The shower is right next to it - not really a surprise.

Now I'm kinda curious what happens next and what this crazy thing yesterday was about. Maybe they just want to test me if I can compose myself? I'm eating lunch now. Steak and green beans, but no coke.  
I feel tired. I think I take a nap now.

They ripped me out of my nap and walked me that long way again. I'm not sure if it was the same room but this time they chained me backwards against the iron bars, with my hands behind my back. They feel like really strong bars, like for a cage in the zoo. The ground is concrete. Again bare feet. I don't understand why they don't give me shoes. They told me not to move. Not that I was able to.  
Whatever they have imprisoned there, it's insanely stealthy. I didn't hear it enter this time, or some closer. Maybe because it was able to touch me.  
I realized that it was there because I felt its breath against my neck. I don't know why it didn't touch me. Maybe because it knew that I was scared? But it sniffed again. I know it sounds crazy but I felt it standing close to me, not one because it breathed down on me, but it's warmth radiating off of it. It's freaking tall. No way that it's a feline or a wolf, unless it's a 6" something tall beast. And it just stood there, close to me, catching my scent. I don't know what this means and I don't know if I want to know. But at least it didn't bite me. This is insane.


	4. Day 7

today was odd. I mean it wasn't a bad day or something, but nothing really happened. I got my cereal this morning, got to the gym, made my workout and I have to admit it's kind of fun. I only stopped when they knocked at the door. So I showered, washed my hair. Apart from that they left me no time to dry it noting else happened. I expected them to drag me back to the cage. But that didn't happen.  
The only amazing thing was that I got light. I mean like real like with a switch in my cell. So I actually don't need my flashlight writing this. It feels like a reward. I'm pretty sure it is one. I really have just a small cell, but it's enough to fit in a mattress a basin and a toilet.  
I still ask myself what I am doing here. But when I look back at the last days I seem to be the reward for that beast. I mean. It's like they are presenting me to it. this is kinda scary.


	5. Day 8

Okay it's the 8th day and the fourth day of me actually doing something. Is it wrong to feel like there's some kind of routine? Cereal, juice and then an hour later workout till lunch. I like that. I never expected that workout actually feels really good, almost more than the shower afterwards. I feel stronger and more healthy. Is it really just the workout?

after dinner they came to me again. not like yesterday, but the day before that. The only difference was that they didn't blindfold me. It felt like a test. And I tried to be a nice girl. I just walked down that corridor, past the shower and gym. They just touched me at the shoulder to which I had to turn. Somehow i felt like Katniss.  
Most of the rooms were dark, which made me ask myself why they had blindfolded me in the first place. Again I can't remember the whole way. It's just too many corners and turns. All in darkness and the air is so cold. How could they hold any creature in here?  
I don't know why I am even thinking this.  
At the final destination they showed me the chains at the wall where they had first put me, but I caught a glimpse at the rest of the cell. It's really a cage. larger than mine and it had a metal door at the left side in the back. It's separated through the bars however. I didn't dare to ask. Just allowed them to chain me. at the wall, not the bars.  
Again they blindfolded me. I guess I'm not allowed to see it. But I could hear it. And how displease it was that it couldn't reach me because was held chained to the wall. It was a growl that raised my hair. But knowing that there were bars separating me form that creature made me stay calm.  
Some time passed and they told this beast to back off again. And that was it.

I guess it's pretty late now and I would usually sleep right now. But I need to write this down. Someone else came to my cell and spoke to me through the door. he knew my name. Not that I was surprised, but he addressed my directly, telling me that it was important that I was cooperating, because right now they would be able to replace me easily. He told me that it was important not to fight or struggle what would happen tomorrow. If I would do something like that, they would dispose me. He used that verb. dispose. so they would kill me if I would fight.  
i don't knwo what to think or do, or even expect. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep. Just when I thought I could get used to this.


	6. Day 9

How could I sleep after this monologue? I don't know.

Got my cereal with juice and coffee. The way I like it. It's creeping me out. They must have read my diaries. I bet they will read this too. fuck you. thanks.

I couldn't really concentrate on my work out. So I just showered in lava. It felt good and numbing.

Now I'm sitting here and wait for them to take me.

I guess they know I'm on edge but they still keep me waiting.

Lunch. Like I could eat veggies and chicken right now. btu I know they expect me to.

I really don't know … They put me against he bars again. this time with my hands behind them. I recalled what that man had told me so I remained still and right there where I was.  
I could hear it approaching me, and how it breathed unevenly, deeply and shallowly in once. Like… yes .. exactly like that.  
I can't write that down, can I. I mean it's an animal, a beast, right? It… it cannot … want me. right?  
The only thing separating us were these metal bars, which wasn't really enough, because.. I mean I was blindfolded. I couldn't see a thing, but I could hear it, sense it…. feel it's breath on my skin. and… I don't know was it its paw? it felt like a hand but that cannot be, can it?  
It was touching my face. I promised not to struggle so I kept still. That touch was rather soft, still it was scaring the hell out of me.  
I could feel how it tucked at my hair. Like… it was able to grab it.  
Oh God I really don't want to think about where this seems to be heading to.


	7. Day 10

same

I try not to think about it.

breakfast

workout

lunch

being chained to the bars. I could feel how it tucked at my hair again. And how it smelled at it. But it didn't touch me. I guess it has some kind of conscience.


	8. Day 11

somehow I know today is different. they are so silent. like the whole world is silent.

Everything was the same until they brought me there again.  
I was blindfolded after they chained me against the wall again.  
I thought it would be the the days before.  
But. Briefly after they left the room I heard it. How the bars were moved away. Just like that. Without any warning.  
This sound. The sound of the metal being moves. I t was so terrifying. Such a simple sound I never could have believed that. It was crawling down my shin. The goose bumps felt like foot prints.  
I could hear it coming closer this time. Of course it wouldn't be stealthy because there was nothing separating me from it.  
And there was no way to move. My hands were chained ant the cuffs seemed to be part of the wall. It didn't even matter.  
It stopped. Just being close enough so that I could hear it breathing Like it didn't trust the fact that there was no wall between us. And it was stealthy again.  
I SWEAR it were hands. Hands. Not paws that touched me. My sides, moving up my backs. I mean I was waring my usual clothes, but i still could feel its touch through the fabric.  
It was, like exploring my body. Like every part of it. I couldn't move, even if I tried to. I felt like being paralyzed. It was so scary and still. the way it touched me, so cautiously, carefully, as if I was the most precious and fragile thing on Earth.  
It's hands slid up my sides and down my back, to ma rear down mi legs to the kneed non the outside and up the inside. It made me hold my breath. At the beginning the hands moves slowly, but as I kept still if moved more quickly.

God, I hate to admit it but it felt so good. Its touch was so gently that it makes me doubt if it really was a Beast. Because, God, it felt human. The way it moves it's hands to my stomach and then up t my breasts. So softly. And despite the movements of its hand it didn't move it's body against me. And for a moment I was disappointed. How crazy is that?

It has to me my inexperience. There's no other way to explain it. Why else would it feel like loss when it moved away?


	9. Day 12

Fingers at my neck. Fingers. I swear. running down my throat. I really didn't know if they would try to suffocate me or not. At least at the beginning. But it moves its hand down to my breasts, cupping them, gently.

From the sounds, and its movements, how could this thing be human, and still it has hands. So gentle hands. How could it be able to drive me insane when they sneaked beneath my clothes, touching ms skin so caressingly.

Yesterday it didn't dare to do that, but today. I didn't hold still because I was afraid of the punishment that would await me, if I broke my promise. No I wanted to feel its fingers on me. I mean it were clawed fingers but still. … no claws, no paws. it's difference, right? and the way it touched me,

I know this is insane. God, I know this is insane. I could hear how its breathing change as it changed mine. I can't believe that it's an animal. I swear it's human. And maybe too afraid to close in on me. Maybe that's a good thing.


	10. Day 13

I got to admit that I am curious what will happen to day.

Again I couldn't concentrate, still I tried to make my workout. God, I feel so insane for looking forward to get in that cage again.

it didn't happen today. I don't know if it's punishment. For him or me. I wrote him.  
They brought me to the gym twice. Nothing else. I asked for books and at lunch they brought me two. Pride and Prejudice and Withering Heights. Is this irony?


	11. Day 14

Two weeks. I wonder if anyone misses me yet. I mean, I usually call my Mom. Isn't she worried?

They didn't take me to the gym for the second time today. So I guess that… well they are taking me now.


	12. Day 21

I think it's day 21. I mean a week. it could be. I'm not sure. I was … at their medical department.

They took away the bars, three days ago. I didn't believe my own ears that they would do that. I should have expected that because they chained me to the wall again. But thought they were punishing him. it. him.  
The chains were so tight that I could barely move my head. And that was what scared me. I mean. He didn't hurt me the last time.  
He was so stealthy again that I only realized where he was when I felt his breath again. Heavy. But he didn't touch me. It was almost like … as if he wanted to say something and I tried to turn my head. He brushed my hair behind my shoulder and I could sense how he tucked at it again.  
I knew he would touch me again and I wanted to. Simply because it had felt so close to have contact and…  
His hand at my neck made me relax this time and I swear that they were normal. At first. Still when he slid his hands beneath my shirt and onto my stomach. Hands. Arms. Normal arms not hairy. He wrapped them around me and came closer. I could feel his chest against my back. I mean he seemed so human. His face against my neck didn't feel different. I don't understand…

I could feel him tremble, like something was happening to him. I could sense how his claws grew. They stung into my skin. It freaked me out. I was frozen. I could … His face changed. I swear it.  
They didn't do anything! But I know that they were monitoring this. But they didn't do anything. Even though he growled and his grip tightened around me. They didn't care! And when his claws were tearing, ripping my flesh they didn't DO A THING!

I can't describe this feeling. It wasn't that deep but this pain. I never felt this pain. But if you are a woman: imagine period cramps on the outside.

They would watch it kill me. I knew that. I knew when I cried out in pain and nothing happened but it continuing to hurt me. But he was trembling still. I have no idea how I could notice that with blood streaming out of me.

And then I spoke to him. I mean I could barely whisper. But I tried. I hushed him and as insane at it was it … he … reacted to it. So I continued. "It's okay", I told him - even though it damn sure wasn't. "Relax. Breathe." I guess I told him to breathe a hundred times but he stopped. He let go off me. I could hear it stumble away from me.

And then passed out. They drugged me that awfully that the days were just a blur. I man it could have been weeks. I don't know how bad my injuries were. I still have bandages and they told me that I shouldn't touch them.

However I have a room now. It's completely white. No metal everything is made out of white plastic or transparent one. No pictures, but my two books and my diary.

I wonder what happened to it. to him. I mean he was human first and then something else. I don't think that he wanted to hurt me. But I'm scared.


	13. Day 22

I got my first visitor today. I guess they were maybe visiting me while I was recovering, but it felt like a real visit. That guy even knocked. Of course he didn't tell me his name but he was waring a doctor's overall and I just knew that he was one of those who were monitoring the happenings.  
"I am quite pleased that you have healed so well", he said with a smug smirk that made me feel sick,  
"Don't expect me to thank you", was my reply which took us both off guard. I hadn't realized that I was so angry. But he … he was simply amused and swiped off my words alike dirt from his sleeve.  
"Your … sessions have been quite a success", he simply continued.  
So meeting up with whomever or whatever he is are sessions. I chose to pout and keep silent.  
"It never retreated by itself", obviously he felt like there was a need for explaining to me what he meant. However knowing that they already had been there with another girl maybe, and that it seemed to not have ended well. It made me even more sick.  
"This is why you have a new room", he continued, like I was an idiot.  
"Have you … what have you done with him?" I asked, realizing that I had given it a gender, and that man did as well. He cocked one brow, but didn't answer.  
"Have you killed it?" I added and made him laugh sarcastically.  
"Honey, he's more valuable than you or me", he emphasized the last word and I chose to hate him.  
I mean I'm not quick in hating someone and to be honest you cannot hate someone you don't know so: if you are reading this: I am despising you. Showing up after three weeks and one week after your creature almost kill me to be all that cocky.  
However I know now that they probably would tolerate very much to make sure that their precious beast wouldn't be harmed.  
"So what are these sessions for, if I may ask?" I tried to copy his words and he seemed to like it.  
"To socialize, to make it … more cooperative." I was stunned. Not only be the information but also that he answered so directly.  
"S…so I'm his reward?"  
Now he was astonished, since he really had underestimated my intelligence. Maybe it was a fault, but my tongue had been quicker than my mind. He didn't response.  
"You don't need to punish it. Me being away is already punishment. Does he know that I am still alive?" for the first time I tried to sit up and it did still hurt a bit, but I was okay.  
I looked at this scientist in front of me and by the way he glanced back I didn't need him to speak out the fact that they hadn't.  
"How long?" I demanded to know and he laughed again: "I was unaware how much you already have recovered."  
"He needs to know that he hasn't killed me", he shouted at him as he turned away and walked towards the door.  
"Do you want to tell him?" he stopped and knocked at it.  
I am sure that he wanted to scare me, and he did, but not as much as we both had expected.

I mean. It had almost killed me, but he didn't. Does that make sense? Can I make sense? I mean I don't know this thing at all.


	14. Day 24

yesterday nothing happened. I tried to read, but I felt like crawling up those crazy white walls. I'm sure giving me nothing but those two books and my diary is some sort of training. If I am a nice obedient girl, I will get more.

I mean I won't complain. This is far better than my cell. I have furniture. A closet - there's nothing but these light blue tracking pants and white t-shirts in it - but I have my own bathroom. The want to make me feel comfy, but not comfy enough.

They took me to the gym and hour after breakfast today. well at least I think that it has been an hour. I worked out carefully.

that's it. nothing more.


	15. Day 25

My stomach still hurts, but it's getting better. They are giving me pills alongside with my meals. Of course I'm reluctantly taking them. Who knows what kind of pills that are, but then again who knows what they put in my food. I shouldn't think about that.

It's late. Just a normal beast-free day. I shouldn't feel so used to this. Maybe they have drugged me so that I don't freak out?  
Or it's just that… life is so pressure free on such a day: I eat, work out read and sleep. I don't have to worry about money or grades or people. I like being alone.

I … they are taking me…


	16. Day 26

I don't know if I can write down what happened. I mean… I wanted this diary to keep myself sane. I have no one to talk to. No one to share my experiences. Well, I don't want to talk to them. Those freaking voyeurs.  
Doctor White how I'll call that smug guy, who seems to be one of those whose words are law walked with me. I am much closer to the cage now. At least to that specific one. It's only two metal doors and they are - oh hey - white.

I will write this down. I have to. Maybe when I read this once again I can figure out what I am really feeling.

But I can't today.


	17. Day 27

yesterday

I was blindfolded again. I don't know why. It's not that I am going anywhere. Maybe so that I won't be scared off what I might see. I mean he's changing.

White told me that it would be crucial for my wellbeing to tell "it" that everything is okay, because if I wouldn't continue the "sessions" they would finished what "it" chose not to do. Long story short: he threatened to kill me if I wouldn't do what they wanted.

After they had left and chained me to the wall I could hear another door open. And even though no sound followed I knew he was there. Staying away and the bars, that gate didn't move.

"Do you want us to remove the wall?" I heard White through the speaker and I know that this wasn't a question, so I nodded.  
This is crazy. I didn't hear him move, maybe because he didn't.  
My voice was shaky even though I did my best to speak calm: "It's okay. See? I'm fine." I don't know why I added it but it felt like the right thing: "It's not your fault."  
All of the sudden he was close. I could hear him breathe next to my right ear and he tucked at my hair again, brushing it out of my face. Fingers on my cheek with claws. There weren't any the last time when he first touched me. If have to think about this later, now I have, I must write this down because.. I feel like going insane.

I head the cracking of the speaker but they switched it off again. And I instantly realized why it had happened: my hips were shoved away from the wall, two hands at them. And those hands shoved up my t-shirt. So that was why they had removed the bandages just before then.  
Of course I flinched as I felt his fingers on my scars - there are scars, they aren't that gruesome as I feared but you can see the marks of his claws on me. He made a hissing sound like inhaling sharply through his teeth, running his fingers across his marks. It felt strange, ticklish, but feverish as well, good. And then he started to kiss them and I was the one inhaling sharply. His clawed hands were still holding up my shirt but also pressing me against him. His mouth. I swear I felt them change even more, but I didn't dare to make a sound.  
His kisses became more desperate and needy. It felt like he was burning me with his lips and then his tongue. I still don't know what to think about that. His mouth moved higher and higher, along with his hands. Snaking up, making me hold my breath. And suddenly he stopped. His breathing was heavy but he didn't continue. Like he had seen something or rethought his actions.  
Oh, had he just continued.  
His hands went down and he shoved me further away from the wall, meaning my hips and with his claws being there… I can't write this, can I?

He pulled down my pants and I knew in this moment that this had been what White had meant with socializing. I wanted to protest, to do something, but I couldn't. And … it was impossible with his tongue between my only sound that escaped my throat was a moan. Which did the opposite than driving him away. If his kisses had burned my surface his tongue burned my insides with waves created by his movements. I can't deny that it felt insanely good the way he sucked on my flesh. this soft tongue right there… I don't know what he did to make me feel like that. It was like he grazed his teeth against me and then his tongue, his lips. Again and again. I couldn't do anything but give in.  
I can't believe that happened. I can't believe that I enjoyed it. And that wasn't even the worst part.

He stopped and I realized that I had pressed my head against the wall, supporting myself with my lower arms. My knees were wobbly. I had been insanely close to shooting off. Not that I … I tried to compose myself with breathing deeply. But the wetness between my legs was burning me and freezing my skin as it ran down my legs. I never felt so embarrassed in my life. Knowing that White and the others were watching.

I hadn't noticed that he had moved away from me until I felt his hand at my hip from behind. I knew what was going to happen and I was scared and aroused in one. I didn't want it to happen and I wanted it to happen. I looked forward to it in horror and shame and … desire. I can't believe I felt like that. I feel like that.

And then he did it. He entered me slowly, because he knew that he was ripping me apart. I was so wet and still. It hurt but it felt so good at the same time. He was so carefully and that even though his hand that held me steady were full on claws. I bit my lip first. But I couldn't hold back for long. No, I didn't cry. I whimpered and then I moaned. And I could feel his reaction to that inside of me.  
When he filled me up completely I could sense him hit my end. This feeling,being barely able to take…. That wasn't human was it. I can't believe I write like that.  
I heard him growl. He gave me goose bumps that panicked down my spine. And of course I thought of the last time we've met. My heart never hurt that much, never beat that fast and my body reacted for me: lifting my hips towards him. My own movement made me gasp.

It wasn't human. No way. He just fucked me like an animal. Like a boxer hitting his punching ball. And there was no way to keep my voice silent. My throat still hurts. It wasn't long, but so intense. Everything, every muscle is sore. I feel so worn out. He filled me up with his relentless thrusts and the sounds he made scratched my skin. I don't know if he never had… or if it was so long… or if he wanted me that badly. Maybe that is why he lost control the last time. He definitely lost it this time as well. I can't describe how he made me feel. Like I never had truly sensed anything until then.  
It felt like almost breaking my back as he pushed himself so deep inside of me that his hands landed on mine, while he hurt me. It was oddly intimate and easing that short high pain. I felt like I was threatened to break but I didn't care, because he pushed me further and further, making me exhale a "Yes" as I felt his breath next to my face.  
We came within minutes. we… because when he did he made me come with him.

As soon as he had caught his breath they told him to back off through the speakers and I collapsed. They made him leave me.

today: no one spoke to me and I didn't go to the gym. I got my meals. I can barely move so I stay in bed. and I sleep.


	18. Day 28

I'm fine. I mean I still feel sore, but I can move and crawl up the walls.

White visited me to check on me. He brought me another book. Susan Kay's The Phantom. Yeah, really. They don't buy even new books for me, they bring me my old ones. I couldn't help but comment on that with nothing more than "guilty".

"Can I get at least my Ipod?" I asked him and tried to sound obedient. Because I know he liked that and his facial expression agreed with me.  
"Are you ready for the next session?" was his answer.  
I forced myself to create a pause before I said yes.  
Don't get me wrong. I don't like being raped. This verb. I don't want to say that it's okay. But it was…. it was different. I'm sure that there's something wrong with be. It wasn't my first time, you know. But I never… came.

He has a conscience. I wrote how he reacted seeing me again, how he behaved because of my scars. He was sorry. I'm sure he's sorry about the day before yesterday as well. And. I have to be honest: I didn't even think about moving my body away as he started. I didn't even think about it. I am insane.

However White told me that I would find my iPod and my station in my room after my session tomorrow if he was satisfied.

Tomorrow. I have to admit that I am slightly disappointed that it's not today. But it's the first time I actually know when I will meet him.

He is human. I have to tell that to myself. He is human.


	19. Day 29

I have to admit that I was excited and looking forward for today. It was my usual schedule: breakfast, later workout, then lunch.

and then: nothing. I just got dinner: cheese and fruits and that's it.

Maybe I was too excited? Too looking forward?Maybe they want me being scared? I don't know. I mean I should be scared, I shouldn't want to see him again. But… I just feel like he doesn't really want to hurt me and that what happened, it did because they want it to happen. Maybe they have a way to force him to beast out like this.

I wish I could talk to him. But what if I'm wrong and I just imagine him being human and in fact he isn't? I mean what if he's an ape but no human. I shouldn't have thought that.

Why do they have to leave my alone by myself and to my thoughts. I need more distraction than three books I already know and workout. Now I can't stop asking myself. Now I'm somewhat relieved that they haven't taken me.

Hopefully I can sleep.

I wonder if they are watching me in my room and are able to read what I am writing because they came just when I wanted to hit the lights. I was back to totally freaking out in silence.  
White wasn't with them.  
My heart was beating like crazy again and my thoughts ran in circles around me wishing to be at least able to see his face and not to just the same. It was driving me insane, this question if he was human or not. How disgusting I was wanting to have him or it touching me again in that way. the only other touch I get here is from my guards grabbing and pushing me. At least till then.

I was chained to the wall again, even though I had hoped for the bars. Although I was wondering why I needed to be chained in the first place, somehow it was a relief that I didn't have a choice. Until my guards didn't leave after chaining me.

I remember the room being dead silent for a moment as I realized this, sensing how they stood there, until they started groping. Just everywhere. Through my clothes. I tried to evade them, but how when my hands were chained like that to the wall.  
"Stop", I shouted at them, feeling one hand between my legs.  
It didn't feel the same - crazy enough that my mind was able to state that.  
"Oh come on", one of them responded."I thought you liked that. Since you moaned like a whore when he fucked you."  
I don't know which of them pushed me against the wall. the only thing I could think of was that White definitely wasn't there and there were the bars. If they weren't HE … would he save me?

The growl that was so close yet so far away made even me cringe, even though definitely wasn't addressing me.  
"Oh look, your monster is angry at us", one of them said, rubbing his hand between my legs again.  
"You are the monster", I hissed through my teeth."You're going to regret this. I will tell…."  
"That's enough", White's voice sounded through the speakers and my heart crashed to the ground.

This. All of this was to make him angry. My monster. No he wasn't and the one thing I clung to as I heard the barred wall being removed was the fact that the guard had called him a "he", not an "it".  
But it didn't prepare me for what happened then.  
It sounded like a truck hitting a mountain next to me, right there where the exit was. He smashed against it more than just onetime. He honestly tried to break it down. I cursed myself for not knowing his name.

"please" I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't move away and if I hadn't been able I wouldn't be capable from stopping him physically. But knowing that he was so outraged against them and not anything, outraged because of how they had treated me. "Please you are going to hurt yourself." And he stopped. I could hear him breathe heavily.  
How I wished in that moment that I could something to calm him down. I didn't care that I couldn't see him but It drove me insane that I couldn't touch him. there was nothing I could do. Almost nothing.  
"Come here", I whispered and I told myself that I was insane.  
He was probably in the exact same state when he had hurt me so badly.  
Yet I already had said that. So I tried to go with it, leaning towards his direction, hoping that he somehow understood, because I had no idea what I was doing.

The first thing I felt was his cheek against mine. And with that my question had been answered: no fur but skin, stubbly, but it was a face, even though somehow warped,but still a face. He moved closer and buried his face into my hair and I could feel his uneven breath on my neck. It made me feel so strange. I don't know why I reacted to this like that. All of the sudden wanted him closer, even closer.  
"It's okay", I whispered,hoping that White couldn't hear it. "I'm okay. I'm still…." I couldn't believe what I almost had said, what I had thought in that moment. But the most unbelievable thing was that he wrapped his arms around me. And… I didn't imagine that. "mine", he said "mine". he spoke.

"Back off" White's voice sounded through the speakers again and before I knew what I was doing I said "no". It was nothing but a mere whisper and I don't know if White actually heard it, but he - my beast - definitely did. I could sense it. In the way he hesitated moving away, how his hands brushed off my body and how his lips briefly touched my neck.

Now I am wide awake in my bed, thinking of him, and - oh God, help me - wanting nothing more than to feel him. I am sick, so sick. this is insane.


	20. Day 30

.

are they punishing him? or me? White didn't even show up.

But hey I got my ipod and my station, so it went well, right?

But I need to see him. I so desperately need to see him.

I can't focus, I can't read, Music barely helps.I just can imagine how he must feel. Is his day even like mine? I don't know! I don't know anything about him, not even his name!

He can speak. I know I already wrote this. But I swear he said mine, this wasn't my imagination.

All I can think about what happened insanely angry he was. And still he didn't hurt me.

thinking that he might be an ape. An ape has no freaking claws that are able to tear through layers of skin. An ape cannot stand up that straight that he can … fuck me like that. Apes cannot talk.


	21. Day 31

Same. Breakfast. Workout. Shower. Lunch. Music. Dinner.I was asking myself if everyone outside there even misses me. I am sure that he misses me. And I miss him. I wonder if he can say more, speak more. I mean. What if he is half human. I start asking myself WHAT he is apart from human. I want to see him. More than just some minutes. I want to talk to him.


	22. Day 32

I am going mad. Breakfast. Workout. Lunch.  
I'm listening to music right now, trying to distract me, but all I can think about is…. him… and how much I … want him. I am sick. I am completely mad. This is sick. I just…. want this to be a dream and wake up. I swear I start talking to people. Try to get a boyfriend and become normal, average, boring human being. And stop thinking about being fucked by a … beast. I don't know anything about him. Why can't I stop thinking about him? Because he is a prisoner just like he, because he's the only one I can relate to here. Even though I am human and he is … partly not.

White just was here. Being all smug again. Congratulating me to the progress I had with the subject. I wanted to know his name.  
"If you want to call it something, just give it a name", he answered to that.  
"But he has to have one. Anything", I responded. "It's not like I will recognize him, right? Or go out and talk to anyone."  
He laughed to that and looked quite amused.  
"So when is my next session?" I wanted to know since he didn't want to give me an answer.  
"Why?" was his reply. "Do you miss him?"  
"Is he the subject or me?" I simply asked back and earned a cocked brow, but no words, instead he kept leaning close to my knob-less door with his arms crossed.  
And then he just walked to me and grabbed my arm, pulling me towards him and looked at me in a way that gave me the chills. Suddenly I was afraid that he would… hit me or rape me. i couldn't put his look anywhere.  
And then he dragged me towards the door, and knocked.

I wasn't sure if he would take me to the cage or not, if he wanted to kill me now and get rid off me, because I had pissed him off, or not. For a moment I panicked because I didn't know if his men had brought me to the right room or not. The worst thing was: I wasn't blind folded. And I wasn't chained to the wall. It was just me and empty cell and the bars that divided the cage into one quarter where I was standing and three quarters on his side.

"Turn around", White spoke through the speakers and I did without thinking. My eyes fell on the cuffs with which I usually was chained tot he wall. "Clothes off."  
I froze and looked up to the speaker. Right next to it was black glass. They were watching. I am sure that it is a window from the other side.  
"Do you want me to send the men in to do it for you?" he rather sounded bored as annoyed or something like that.  
I obeyed and imagined how he thought that I was a good girl. However I undressed myself and then I waited, staring at the cuffs and my clothes, wondering if he wanted me to blindfold or chain myself.  
But there wasn't another order, just that metallic sound of the barred wall being removed. I however didn't dare to move.

What White wanted him to do was pretty obvious to me. I closed my eyes the moment I could feel his fingers on my hips. And a sigh escaped my mouth. So gentle again. even though these claws I knew could wound me so terribly. As if he had sensed that I thought about that, his fingers slid to my scars, drawling their lines. But it didn't terrify me. Oh, no quite the difference. My breath turned shallow, my knees turned wobbly, my heart sped up and tickling all over me. And I was melting.

Then again he stroke my hair away from my neck. I leaned my head aside and that was it. lips and teeth on my soft skin sending a piercing flash through my nerves. Just equally exciting was to feel his body against my back, his chest against my shoulder blades and … the proof that I did to him exactly what he did to me.

If I wanted to I could see him. If I wanted to I could touch him. But I was frozen, paralyzed by his touch. And his hands exploded on my body, running across my skin, gently, like he wanted to caress every inch of me. And he did. I caught myself leaning my head backwards and against him and he just continued, playing the instrument that was me. The moment he sensed the wet mess between my legs it was over.

His hands at my hips and he entered me. And I … I just had waited to make these inhuman sounds again. How it felt sensing him push himself inside me was just. Oh yes, it did hurt again. But I wanted to. I deserved it. Because I wanted him to do me. And it was wrong. It is wrong. So wrong, wanting to be fucked by someone and something I didn't know. He was more slowly this time. And I could feel how he fought to control himself. It felt so good. He was setting me on fire from inside while my skin was freezing. Knowing that he wanted to ravish me again like the first time but tried not to because he obviously didn't want to hurt me. This feeling is indescribable. I had to support myself, pressing my hands against the wall. And like that I knew i just …  
"Deeper", I exhaled and I sensed how he hesitated, before he did what I asked for and forced another moan from my throat.  
"Oh God", I heard myself like it was a recording. "It feels .. so good." I whispered. Partly because I had no air left and then because I didn't want White to hear. And his strokes became deeper and harder, stealing every chance from me to whisper anything more. All I could do was moan. Yes, like a whore. But I was HIS whore.  
As I heard him answering with the same sound he almost pushed me over and he sensed it. And that was when he lost it. I had to claw myself into the wall and push me away from it so that he wouldn't smack me against the stone. I could feel his thrusts in my entire body and even if I would have wanted to, there was no way holding back my voice.

Suddenly he pulled me up, wrapping one arm around me, gripping my breast while he continued fucking me. I had to arch my back. It felt insane, this angle. And then he pressed me against the wall. the rough material was grazing across my skin. My stomach, my breasts, one side of my face. I kept my eyes closed, even though his head was close to mine. I couldn't move and maybe that was why i could feel him explode inside of me that intensely, which made me come just in the exact same way. Another two thrusts as I was still pinned against the wall.

I expected White telling him to back of again, but he didn't. So my beast held me there, until he had to pull out, breathing down on me. And I fought the urge to open my eyes. So I did the only thing that I could: take one hand and reached behind my face: to touch his. It didn't feel like an ape, but not like a human ether. At least not completely. But I couldn't find out because all of the sudden he was gone. Without any order. He didn't want me to do that. It cut a hole in my stomach.


	23. Day 33

The schedule was turned back into normal. well, as far as there was any normal. one hour after dinner the two soldiers took be again, and I almost expected that they just pushed me into the cage. But they didn't. No one spoke to me,not even White.

I twas chained to the wall again but not blind folded. They both suddenly grabbed me and pulled my legs as far from the wall as possible, so that I barely could hold my self up by clinging to my chains. And then they pulled down my pants. I could feel my heart panic. Insane enough that it was okay for me to be ravished almost brutally by some kind of beast and panicked by the idea that a normal human being might rape me. I mean: what was the difference?  
I had no chance to think about that, because they left and the gate was removed. It was like the temperature dropped in that moment and almost freaked out because I felt like whatever was approaching me now was not him, not my beast but another one. And I didn't want that.  
A growl reached me which gave me goose bumps. Even though it sounded like him I couldn't be sure. Again there was no time for that, because he prodded himself into me with one thrust that made me whine, exhaling this whisper that was a strange, crazy, insane relief like stepping into a warm room after a day of freezing. "mine".  
All my reluctance was washed away and I tried to meet him as good as possible, even though he fucked me really hard and it felt not right, as if he wasn't really there. Deep hard strokes, hitting the end, making me whine more than moan. I wanted to change that,but there was no way touching him, so I did what I did not want to do: opened my eyes and tried to look back. But all I say was a pair ob ember-yellow eyes glaring at me. I never came so hard and painfully. this time it was me forcing him to come.

He has non-human eyes. The eyes of a cougar.


	24. Day 34

I'm not sure whether or not I want so see him today. Yesterday was just. It felt wrong. Although I keep thinking about it. I just…

It just felt like whatever connection there was,it had been broken. I want to believe that White had done something. But maybe it was because I touched his face. Could it be my fault?

And then again the eyes. They are definitely not human, but those aren't ape eyes either. What is he? When I think about that I've been abducted for 34 days now but everything feels like ripped out of time. I wonder if anyone looks for me or those people are capable of faking… what if they have faked my death? What there was a funeral, what if everyone believes I'm dead? No…. they would need a corpse and the easiest one would be mine. I have to make sure that this doesn't happen.

My beast might have been attached to me, but strategically I need others to be attached to me as well, just to be sure….

If my family believes that I ran away…. they might possibly to that.

There's no one caring about me being alive than me. I bet White can replace me if my beast loses interest in me. If that happens…. maybe they'll kill me?

I didn't get out of my room apart from workout twice, which means I won't have another "session"


	25. Day 35

I never thought of myself as a nymphomaniac, and maybe I am not. I don't know. Maybe they just mix something into my food. I mean… I don't take anything against…. I don't have pills against pregnancy and he definitely doesn't use any protection. What if this is what it's all about? Not getting him more social but me… no. I refuse to believe that. It would be more easy just to… well I'm not. I mean… If I calculate about right I had my last period while being out because of my wounds. Well I think I recall that on my first day back I still had some…. I don't want to think about how they handled that while I was in a coma.

No, White told me it's about me being the beast's reward, some being pregnant would hake that quite difficult at some time. I have to believe it just about… sex. And there we are again. I feel like they are mixing something into my food because I can't stop thinking about it. I need it. I couldn't fall asleep yesterday so I… well… I took care of that problem. But it's not the same than having him inside him, hearing him pant and moan and…. stop! I shouldn't think of that.

It's about time that they either take me to my second round of gym or to him.

I keep waiting. Maybe they don't know or aren't sure.

I knocked. First no one answered and then after some moments the door was opened. The guard isn't one of the two who molested me. He seems nice. His name is Peter. He actually gave me his name. It seems like he's alone. But he was - I know I repeat myself - nice. Peter wanted to know if anything was okay and I just asked for my schedule.  
There is none.

Now I keep asking myself why I hadn't knocked earlier. Peter really seems … nice… and well he's also handsome. I am sure that I should be careful. I mean what do they put someone in front of my door for, when I can't open it? Someone who looks as good as him? And then… what if White wants to make sure that I don't get molested again and Peter's looks are just coincidence? No, White had ordered it.

Why keep these memories coming back into my mind now? And why do they make me feel like that? Two pairs of hands invading me. No. It was awful. I didn't want it. I don't want it. They are trying to break me. I am sure. Maybe I should stop eating this stuff.


	26. Day 36

I wonder if there is a pattern. I didn't feel like writing because it felt like it just would be one of those tormenting days of boredom. I decided not to talk to Peter to distract me from that, because - hey - he's a guard, a soldier and not my friend. I shouldn't befriend him. yes, I wrote that I should try to make sure that I become more valuable but to the right people.

White didn't show up.

But they came to take me again, not blindfolding me, not gabbing me. I could find the way easily by myself. Peter was one of them and he briefly smiled at me. The other one didn't notice it and I - idiot me - smiled back.

I wasn't blindfolded or chained, And there came no voice from the speaker. the gate wasn't removed. How much I wanted the opposite of this. I wanted to be chained, blindfolded, that he could come over to … The thoughts alone made my heartbeat and breathing speed up.  
So I turned around to look up to the black window. Silence.  
And then I heard him. It was a deep hum, briefly. Maybe his form to say "hi", but I knew he could speak. I kept my back on him, standing still, hoping that the gate would open. I hoped that. How insane!  
I felt like I could sense him approach me. Again I looked up and mouthed: open it. And they did.  
For a moment I froze. I hesitated. And then: I turned around. He wasn't standing behind me. The room was barely lightened so I couldn't see everything in. Was he hiding? I thought that I had been wrong hearing him behind me, until I did hear him breathe heavily right in my back. And I turned around once more, again: he wasn't there.

He is extremely fast. You can't imagine being that fast. Not just strong, but… he already seemed to know where I would turn or look. He evaded me and it freaked me out! he was… He IS a predator and I was and will be in his grace every time I meet him. Yes i should have realized that when he almost ripped me to shreds,but I was helpless due being chained. Now I had my full movement and senses and still was completely helpless.

Suddenly he grabbed me from behind and made me shriek. I couldn't cry because one of his clawed hands covered my mouth with his arm pressing tightly against me between my breasts. The other arm wrapped around me. I swear he heard my heart beat. because when I managed to calm myself down a bit he removed his hand by sliding it down to my throat. And his lower hand moved as well.  
I felt his hard-on pressing against my back… I know… someone help me. I instantly wanted him as well, noticing that I already had wanted him when he was hunting me.  
His face was buried into my hair and I couldn't move my arms to touch it, so I placed my hands on his and made him flinch. I think the noticed that I just put them there and nothing more, apart from that I stroke across his forearms. He isn't that muscular than I expected, though I could feel his muscles flex. But it makes sense, you know. I can't be heavy moving that fast.  
I brought my lower hand back to the one that was now on my stomach. my heart is beating like hell while I write this. I took it and made it move further down, between my legs, where I was burning water. He gasped. But that wasn't all. His whole body reacted to this. Still he didn't attack me, which was admittedly very surprising. maybe I confused him.  
A thought appeared in my mind and I went with it. Slowly started to move his hand across my most sensitive part, barely being able to breathe normally. And then I moved my head.  
I had underestimated how close his face had been to mine, because my cheek touched his just a moment after that. He tensed, making me inhale sharply, because his grip on me did as well.  
So I closed my eyes. He hadn't backed of nor snarled or done anything to make me stop. I knew that there was something about me touching him about me seeing him. Like he wasn't used to it being okay.  
Cautiously I continued to move my head, while resting my one hand on his forearm between my breasts, while the other moved his hand between my legs again. My lips reached his cheek.  
His skin is softer that I expected. Yes I already felt it but apparently my lips are soft enough to not scare him off.  
I didn't dare to turn around, because I thought I was able to keep him with me because of what I did with his lower hand and - how I realized - with my hips moving against him. Thinking of that it was amazing that he didn't lose it like the times before. But it explains his trembling so much more.  
It was absolute madness of mine: taking my hand form his forearm to bring it to his face. He didn't freak, just tense again. I don't know what i was thinking. This isn't me. However I quickly brought his hands into my pants. Feeling his fingers directly on my moist flesh was. Well if I already wasn't insane till then, I was now. Because he pressed his fingers into and into me, making me sigh highly, pushing his face towards mine and our lips met. Despite me sensing the fangs, his fangs. I was out of it. I kissed him. I freaking kissed a monster, a creature, a beast. However I kept my eyes closed, I didn't think of opening them. I didn't think of all.  
His face was human and not. It was a weird mixture and yes: that is what he is. It explains so much: being a hybrid.

Something changed in him as I did that and not only in him. He did. I think. It felt like those fangs faded a but. How crazy is that.

I could hear myself whisper against his mouth, pleading: "please. I need this. I need you to…" It's not like he needed more encouraging than me doing all this and pulling my pants down. I think I was just too wet that it didn't hurt that much when he entered me right there where I was standing. My knees gave in and we both knelled on the ground. I did all I could to meet him when he fucked me hardly, even though strangely gentle. I couldn't hold back long and neither did he. It was wonderful.

Before we could do anything else they made him leave me again.

I couldn't look at Peter. I don't know why that bothered me. I don't know why I'm even writing it down.


	27. Day 37

There is a reasonable explanation for this.. You know I skip the schedule thing, it's the same, every day. Either they take me to a second work out or to him. It seems like a 50/50 chance or 60/40. I'll figure it out someday, right?

So there is a reasonable explanation for me missing him. Not Peter. Jeez I realized two days ago that he's standing in front of my door. No, him, my beast. I don't even get the chance to ask him for his name. I am sure that he can answer, if they just would give us enough time. Then again they keep watching us. I wish there was a possibility to see him without White perving.

Really, I don't miss him just for… you know … sex - I swear I never was that person. I wasn't even a virgin, but sex well… it was never that great for me, just part of … you just do it, right? And it's not just because sex with him is … literally mind blowing. I want to get to know him. I want to understand him, and why everything. Yes, I know what you might think: it's just because you want a reasonable explanation for you wanting to have sex with him. Caring is a good reason. Although you secretly just want to fuck.

But I mean it. I really do. I wouldn't want it if it was just that. Because it's really not just that. He's careful, tenderly even when he manages to control himself. And that's the difference. Yes, I know animals can be like that too, but he feels human. I just know that he is human. I'm not imagining this because I want him to be.

It's late now and nothing happened. Never been two days following, so I shouldn't have - yes - hoped. I wonder how he's sleeping. If he has a bed like me, a room like be, or a cell like I had the first days, or if they hold and treat him like an animal. I want to know. So many things. I have to find a way to get to know more about him.


	28. Day 38

Today there's a higher chance that I see him again. I barely slept and I'm already awake although the day lights aren't on yet. I'm using the flashlight to write this. My thoughts have run round and round in my head. Hopefully I'll get some sleep after lunch, so that I am fit to meet him.  
Thy won't blindfold me again, so I have to try and memorize everything on my way and try to find out how to get a chance of sneaking out of my room. Maybe they will either trust me enough one day, or I have to… I don't know. Peter can't stand in front of my room all the time. I'm sure he doesn't. Maybe they have cameras in my room? I have to check. I will after breakfast, i guess.

Something changed today. They didn't slide my breakfast through the door today. Peter brought it to me and he wished me a good morning. I don't know how to take this. Have they decided that I too need social interaction? Have they realized that they are turning me insane? Too late, I don't want this. I don't rust him, even though he's nice and friendly and asked me if I needed anything else. I told him that I would like to have a doorknob. He laughed. It was a sweet laugh, almost rather a chuckle and he made me smile with it. I hate it.  
The worst thing was: he smiled at me and said that he'll see what he can do. He must be joking. Bad joke. Or must be flirting. Bad move. Haven't you got the briefing, Pete, I'm taken.  
God, what am I writing? Why does this annoy me so much?  
I can't wait to see him today. I need to see him.

Couldn't find any cameras. But I'm not an expert. Still I don't trust my room. Luckily there are no fake windows. there was nothing behind my mirror. I can't reach the lights at the ceiling. They will definitely will be in there. If they've got infra red or night vision? I know I sound paranoid but they are freaking watching me getting done by some human-animal cross-species, they'll dam sure watch me sleeping as well. Which means they know that Peter was in here, smiling at me… I'm going crazy…

workout. luckily. workout. I'm so worn out. so tired. I think I'll take my nap before lunch. Like right now.

Peter scared the hell out of me. Why does he actually need to touch me to wake me up? I don't believe him that I didn't react on his voice. He brought me lunch.  
"Are you my servant now,or what?" I asked him and made him chuckle - again. Why the hell does he chuckle? I need to calm down or I will puke.  
I need to focus. They will take me today. I'm pretty sure they will. I have to focus on that. I don't… no… strangely it's not the sex I look forward to, it's really him. I just want to touch him, in fact. He's the only one actually giving me warmth, like he's the only one really caring. Peter doesn't it's his job. maybe he thinks I'm cute, haha. No.

Dinner. I can barely swallow. I'm not even hungry. Yes, Peter brought it again and I asked him why.  
"Because it's polite and at least someone has to treat you like a human", he answered sliming lightly. I think he really meant what he said. Well thanks.  
They didn't take me. I didn't do anything wrong,right? They would have told me. White would have come with his smug smirk and teaching me, right? But I forgot. I'm the reward, right? What if he did something wrong and doesn't get to see me? I mean, that would be an explanation why I get to see Peter but he - my beast - doesn't get to see me. What if he suffers even more like me? I feel so bad, so so bad for him.

I almost knocked to ask Peter if my beast was okay. I can't do that. I can't show them how much I need him.


	29. Day 39

It's the straight numbers right?

I was impolite, so this time when Peter brought me my breakfast, I said thank you. Fate rewarded me with realizing that he doesn't close the door when he enters,so he won't knock to get outside, which actually means that he might be in front of my door _alone_. I shouldn't have a bad conscience because of thinking that, right?

It's him and another guy who bring me to the gym and back to my room. The other one is older and he looks moody. He doesn't look at me, or talk to me and Peter doesn't as well when that man is with him. I'll call him Gray, because his hair is getting gray.

Peter asked me again if I needed anything when bringing me lunch. Again the door staying open.  
"Are you even allowed to talk to me?" I responded instead and he chuckled - this damned chuckle.  
"Yes, I am, I was even told to, so that you'd like me", he answered and of course I was surprised by that. I didn't expect that he would admit it.  
"Who, White?" I asked and confused him, because obviously White was a name that I chose. "The doctor, the guy who seems to be in charge here and came to talk to me."  
"Oh, yeah", again this … freaking sweet chuckle. "Yes. it was him, and you're right about him", he responded. "However he thought you would deserve at least one normal person around you now and then. Someone who isn't him, because you obviously don't trust him. I wouldn't if I were you."  
"I don't trust you either", was my reply.  
"Outch", he smiled radiantly and I could feel it in my stomach. "Well I can understand that, but it still hurts." Yes, you are so funny, Peter.  
"So what about my door knob?" I changed the topic.  
"Well, can't happen", he spoke out what I expected. "At least not now. Maybe when you're with us longer. That's what he said. White." He quoted me and chuckled again. "You should eat. Would be a pity if it gets cold", he turned around.  
"I just… I just need some fresh air. A little outside, you know. a different surrounding", I told him.  
"You're not the only one", he looked at me smiling slightly and his brown eyes were somehow sad.  
Peter has brown eyes and almost black hair, which is the only reason why his eyes don't look black. And he's quite tall. Six foot something, maybe an inch. I'm not good at telling heights. I'd say that my beast is taller, just a little bit. Peter is slender, athletic, but not an elf, if you know what I mean. Why am I even describing him? But well thank you white, for giving me some company I do not want.

I got to see him, finally. And on the way there and back again I memorized everything. there are cameras in the corridors. There's no way sneaking to him, but it's not that far. Actually they seem to lead me around one big room, maybe two, although there is a door, maybe short corridor they could take me through. I guess they want to make me think that the way is longer and my beast and I aren't that far from each other. I have to check if I can get the mash form the air system off of my bathroom door. There will definitely be no cameras.

Meeting him. It was such a relief at first. Even though it was not like I had expected. They didn't ask me to take off my clothes. They didn't remove the gate. I knew he was there, but he didn't show himself. That was driving me mad. I got to the gate and placed my hands around the bars trying to get a glimpse of him. How I wished in that moment that I could say something without them hearing me.  
So I did what they obviously wanted: I begged.  
"Remove it", I turned around to the window.  
And then it happened. It was a snarl, shooting towards me. Directly. Even though it was so fast that I barely saw anything I fell backwards to the ground. There had only been that pair of yellow eyes in the darkness. Suddenly in front of me, shocking me. I looked up. And I saw him. Standing right there, just inches from where I had been. Only on the other side of the gate. And he was glaring down at me. With his yellow eyes. I could see him.  
I don't know why I wasn't terrified, but I know why I'm still not terrified.  
He's huge, you know. at least 6"4, built like … I can't really compare. a gladiator? Like I said he's not just muscles. He in fact looks like they have turned a cougar into a human. I can't describe it any better. His face as well. It doesn't look really human, and then again still human. His hands are clawed, like his feet, but he has no tail. I have to say that this was a relief. As he realized that I wasn't freaking out but looking at him, that glare faded into confusion. No, he wasn't naked. He was wearing pants. And he has hair. Brown, three inches long maybe? Yes, I stared at him. I burned his image into my mind just in case if this was the last time I would see him.  
And as he saw that I was getting up, not losing eye contact, he retreated just as quickly. I think he wanted to scare me away.  
"Wait!" I heard myself shout and again I turned my head to the window, asking them to remove the gate, but instead Peter and Gray entered and brought me back.  
I looked at Peter, but he avoided any eye contact, doing his job.  
I need to get back to him.I need to know his name. I need… him.


	30. Day 40

It's strange that I feel like he's the one actually keeping me sane, right? That he's somewhat my task? Giving me meaning, a purpose, something to focus on. I know. It's been 40 days since I'm here and I have no idea what's going on in the outside world and instead of trying to get out, I seem to have arranged myself with being here and… no, I'm not just his… toy.

I hadn't expected White to visit me after what happened. I just wanted to write a little before workout but there he was, knocking, entering as if it was the most normal thing to do. Now I know what Peter meant with being polite. I caught a glimpse of him looking at me when White entered. But I couldn't tell what he thought. Not that it's important,is it?  
White however had his smug look again and I needed to remind myself that it was most important to act nice around him.  
40 days, I can't believe that it's already been 40 days.  
"You are full of surprises. I must admit that I underestimated you", he explained and sat down at my table.  
You know apart from a cupboard where my books and my iPod with its stations are on, and my bed, I have a table with two chairs, where I sit to eat and occasionally write - I do prefer writing on my bed, just like now. Of course I felt obliged to sit down as well, which he approved with a nod.  
"So that wasn't a reason why you chose me?" I asked before I could stop myself, but much to my surprise White wasn't taken aback or something.I think that he liked that for me it was a fact being underestimated all the time. He saw potential in me. I'd never tell him that this was a first.  
"I think I can explain at least that to you, since you have proved yourself to us yesterday", he placed his hand on mine an it felt like he shot ice through my veins, but I managed not to flinch.  
I had to wait for him to speak, somehow I already knew that he loved to hear himself talk: "We haven't brought you to 22 because it misbehaved. Deliberately as we figured out." 22, like number 22. There are or were at least 21 similar to him, maybe more. "It seems like it didn't want you to come over and yesterday with trying to scare you off obviously it proved that theory."  
I kept silent, listening and his face told me that he liked that. He even patted my hand and somehow I tried to act like a little schoolgirl looking up to the teacher she admired. Just a little, just to see if it changed anything.  
"So it really really likes you", he added softly, slightly squeezing my hand - so it did work, and I don't like it, it gives me the creeps, but you know: one has to try everything to … I don't know gain trust and gain freedom?  
"And now I tell you something I shouldn't, but it will help you understand a little bit more", he seriously leaned towards me and I fought not to tense up. "I didn't choose you", he said lowly. "You were picked along others with similar background" (remember how I said that I don't have any friends, little family far away? like that, so this was why). "But 22 chose you out of them."  
Now you can tell that I was stunned by that information. He had chosen me. White hadn't just told me that he - my beast - had wanted me from the start, but also that he was able to chose something or someone that he was acting with some sort of reason. He was intelligent and he wanted me.  
"Trying to scare you away just tells us that 22 is really attached to you and this is a very good thing", White patted my hand again and I smiled.  
I have to admit that this wasn't acting. Yet I didn't smile because I felt proud, or because White was proud, no. He - my beast - had chosen me.  
"So", he rose from the seat. "you can ask for something new. Some books maybe? The iPod is the only electronic devise I can give you though. No contact to the outside world, you understand that, right?"  
I nodded, the nice girl he wanted me to be. Something about the look he gave me crept me out again.  
"I know I can't go outside", I looked down - should he take that mine he wanted to, maybe he was that type man that liked to be a sugar daddy. If that was the case I could use that. "Maybe I could have some paintings for my walls? Would you … pick some for me?" I looked up though my eyelashes and - ugh - but bingo.  
He promised me that I would get some paintings and books. Why do I have the feeling that he was too nice?

I think they are punishing him again. I didn't get to see him. 22 how can you give someone a number? Maybe so that they don't have to see the human in him? Like with prisoners, like the Nazi's did to the Jews. I cannot name him 22. He has to have a name.


	31. Day 41

I feel just so annoyed. Like I've haven't slept enough. I just came back from gym and I'm already hungry again. It seems like I get that time of the month again. I guess that's a good thing, not knowing if they are actually giving me something or simply take the risk. I'd better not think about it.

Peter was nice to me again, but I didn't start a conversation this time. It doesn't feel right. Strange, I know. I just have the feeling that … I don't know, betray him. 22. I cannot really name him that. I have to find something else. If I could just ask him for his name. Talk to him…

I'm much too distracted today. I almost hurt myself while working out, but I'm fine. Just a shock, still Peter heard it ans asked me if I was okay after they locked me in again. Meaning he waited for 5 minutes until Gray had gone on patrol or something. He's really nice, but I don't trust him. I can't can I? Befriend the enemy?

If they don't take me to him today, i will try to take a look at the vent I just keep thinking about waking up n the middle of the night, I know that I can manage that. Maybe I shouldn't have written it down here. What if White starts reading this when I'm gone?

Peter looked at me all strangely when he brought me to him this afternoon. He walked me alone, which of course is confusing, but then again what would trying to run really help me? There's no way escaping, right? For all I know, all I figured we're subterranean. Here aren't any windows here. not in my room, not on the corridors. the only one I know is in his cage and for White and his perverts to watch us through. I try not to think about it, now that it has come to my mind.

It was Peter who chained me to the wall again. He didn't say a thing doing that, not even looked at me, and I tried to do my best and assist him, so that he could get over it quickly. And then he blindfolded me as well. I really didn't understand why. I thought we had put that behind us. Suddenly that thought crossed my mind: what if my sessions with him, my beast had ended? What if they now put me to one of the other 21 remaining? My heart sped up that quickly that I was sure even Peter would be able to hear it. I needed to remind myself that this was cage 22, his cage. They wouldn't just put him into another cell. And then I realized that I hadn't heard Peter leave or close the door behind him. Tension struck my body painfully. What was he doing? But I didn't dare to say his name. I had been too distracted by my own thoughts. Stupid me. Stupid, stupid me.  
"Please", whispering this was the only thing I could say without … without what actually?  
I need to be more careful. 41 days and already becoming sloppy.

Hearing how the gate was opened was a relief, at least for the first seconds, until my thoughts crashed down on me. That panic inside me. Me begging, praying that it was no other monster but mine. I know how crazy that sounds. How insane. How Stockholm Syndrome. I wish I could explain the difference.  
There was no sound of someone or something approaching. I just sense that one second I seemed to be alone and not the next. That breathing close to me. Even though the height seemed fitting I just… doubted. So I slowly turned my head towards him, into that direction that was headed away from the speaker, whispering: "Tell me it's you".  
My heart was a machine-gun, firing off the moment I could feel hands on my stomach, Hand that appeared to just grow claws. This panic turned into something else, into fire, consuming me as they moved into my pants, pushing them down and I exhaled feverishly, because of what I heard.  
"It's me", this voice, it was deep, and I knew it was distorted as well, but he spoke lowly. I could hear the tone, his tone, his voice.  
That alone did things to me, just as arousing as his hands that were searching to enter me.  
Now writing this down I have to ask myself if that was the reason why I was blindfolded. Because I was allowed to see the beast but not the man. For me there was no difference. Or is there? Would he do this different if he managed not to turn?  
His fingers inside me I leaned ma head back against him. His hand cupping my breast I moved to meet him. His tongue at my neck made me moan. He replied with something similar to a purr.  
The thought that I did this to him, that he couldn't control himself around me. As insane as it sounds…. yes, it drove me insane with lust. Even though I turned my head towards him, there was no chance for my lips to reach his skin. He pushed my torso away from him and towards the wall. This excitement while waiting for him to enter; the longer I had to wait the better it felt. Tears burned in my eyes as it happened. How could I have forgotten how good this felt. His movements were electrifying me, my skin, my bones, my blood. I never wanted him to stop. This made me forget everything. I never want anything else than this.  
This is so wrong.  
It was like he was prodding deeper and deeper inside me, hitting the point that stole my breath, tensing me up and him along with me. Knowing that I was about to come, knowing that I pulled him…it's just… it just feels perfect. I know that I don't know him, I know he's some strange half-human creature, a beast and I am a prisoner, that this is abuse in so many ways. I know it's wrong. But I can't help it. I love it.  
I could feel how he came inside of me and how he triggered my orgasm with it. I don't want to feel anything else any more in my life. In that moment he makes me not care for anything. For nothing but him and me. Everything else is erased. And I want to kiss him. I want to pull him close, as tight as I can. But I can't. I couldn't  
But he did. he wrapped his arms around me, staying with and inside me, holding me so close that I barely could breathe. I could sense that he was fully different again. Still I don't care. I know this has to be some psycho thing. But you know what? Fuck it. I placed my chained hands on his forearms, stroking them and you cannot judge me for it. I don't care.


	32. Day 42

I slept through. So … maybe tonight. I doubt that they will bring me to him. Have they ever? Two days in a row? And I really slept well, deep and dreamless. Not that I dream much. It's always blurry and never really makes sense anyhow.  
Maybe I'll try it today. However White kept his promise. I just realized today. There were books and paintings on my desk. And double scotch tape. So I can put up the pictures by myself but I don't get any nails. But maybe I can keep the tape. The books. I don't know why he brought me Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights. And… the Twilight Series. Well, okay, one needs to be distracted and I have read them. The first one is kind of a guilty pleasure to me. However: I put up the pictures and I hid some of the tape in my container for female hygiene. Since…. you never know, right?

Writing all of this down really helps me keeping calm. It's not that I don't think about my family or the friends I have lost and might still think about me. It's not like I don't keep wondering if anyone misses me on campus and what they did to cover the tracks. And I can't stop pondering if he, my beast, 22… I really hate that number… I mean maybe he gets the chance to tell me his name, but until then, I have to call him something different. I don't want to make him a number, or a subject. So…. the alphabet has 26 letters… the 22nd is V. V is good, maybe I find a name for it I like, maybe that's even the letter his name starts with? But I go with V. I can't stop thinking, wondering if V has or had a family as well. If he's artificial or if he was human once and they have changed him.

Valentine. Valerian. Victor. Vincent. Virgil. Vito. There aren't many names with V… maybe I should've come up with something different. Victor Hugo was a French writer. Vincent Van Gogh a Dutch painter. And his paintings are so underrated, because of his different technique. He was so torn, so tormented. It's kinda fitting right? I'll go with Vincent then. I'd better keep that to myself. V. Thinking of that letter makes me grin like a love-crazed teenager. But I'm not in love, how could I.

I tried not to freak out. I swear. I tried to do my best, to act reluctantly as Peter _and_ White came to take me. I kept telling to myself that they wouldn't take me to him, to V… I don't dare writing down the name. It's stupid, it's my diary, right? Still. I tried to make big eyes and look up to White pretending to be his little shy girl and I made him smile. I freaking made that man smile. He's tall and has ash-blond hair. I believe he's turning gray as well. And he's almost taller than Peter. His eyes are Gray…. I should've called him that and not White, but I can't change my mind now. Not that it's really important. But we walked that usual way and I tried to be anxious, even though I was excited. I didn't dare to believe that I would see V again.  
White told Peter to wait outside the first room. I told you that there's a room before the cage? Int that has actually stairs leading upwards to the monitoring room? Well I wrote that now. White told Peter to stay outside of it and like that he and I were alone. He placed his hands on my shoulders and I tried to keep up this mask I had faked for him.  
"Starting tomorrow you won't have to see him for a week", he told me and I knew that I turned pale, I felt it, just like my heart dropped to me feet.  
"Did I do something wrong?" I asked before I could stop myself but White took it right anyway; he laughed: "Oh no, Deary, you did great. You were a really nice girl and that is why you get a break."  
Smiling shyly while feeling like someone had annihilated the ground beneath your feet isn't easy. It hurts, physically and even more. It cuts deeply, like you have to tear and rip your face and muscles into the right position. I couldn't tell him that he was punishing me with it, tormenting me with it.  
"He's in for some tests as well, so you won't see me as well for about a week", he continued.  
Looking sad and downhearted on the other hand never came so easily. It was a kind of relief being able to show that. Should White believe that my Stockholm Syndrome applied to him and not V. I won't see Vincent for a week, for a whole week. Does this has to do something with me being on my period this week? Or do they want to test him because he obviously cares about and for me?

I was in chaos. In such a chaos. I didn't really notice that he told me to undress myself and I did it. In front of him. GROSS. But I had turned my back on him and he … maybe he already had closed the door behind me. I can't tell. Vincent wouldn't tolerate me smelling like someone else. Definitely. Right? So White would never touch me…. right? I'm freaking out! I'm going insane. Building my life around these regular things and most of all having him, V, close, kept me together and now they took that away from me. I need to focus and write. Think. Focus. Stick to the plan.

I never realized how cool it was in the cage until today. Maybe I froze because I already started to miss him. I had no idea how to behave. So I stepped to the bars and stared through them, not moving even as I watched them sliding to the side. I waited. And waited. I felt like waiting for an eternity, until I heard a movement behind me. And I knew he was there. Again not wanting me to see his face. I stayed where I was, tensed up like I was, my heart racing in despair. The way he moved his hands across my skin, pulling me towards him… he knew it. He knew that something was wrong. His reluctance faded instantly as I leaned towards him, telling him that it wasn't his fault. Not really. Well partly. Because he makes me miss him.  
My eyes grazed briefly that horrid window and I felt like I knew that White was watching, so I bit my lip, like this was terrible for me. In fact I wanted to turn around, and pull him close towards me, feel him in a way I wasn't allowed to. For White this only was about giving V what he needed as a male creature. I know that for Vincent it's more than that.  
And then… he turned me around, towards him. Ifeared my heart would want to strike because it beat that fast. Yes, his face was all warped again into this strange mixture of human and cougar. These golden-bronze cat-like eyes. You know his lips aren't split like feline ones and his nose isn't as flat. Still it could be disturbing to look at. Even more know seeing it that close, but I knew that I wouldn't get to see him for a week and all I saw were his eyes. Asking, worrying, wondering. Like he wanted to comfort he. You cannot tell me that he's just a dull creature, that he had no feelings only instincts. you cannot tell me that, White. Don't ever try.  
I managed to bring up one of my hands, that was shaking, but I touched his face, and he nuzzled his cheek into my palm. I felt like crying. I do feel like crying still. However I felt the clock ticking, like I could see White getting impatient. I even heard the speaker cracking, just like V.  
Just like that My back was on the ground and he held my wrists above my head with one of his clawed hands. It all happened so quickly to just fall into slow motion that terribly wonderful moment he entered me. It's like time is stepping back to watch, like air becomes more solid without becoming heavier. Every time he does that to me. His fangs and lips at my neck are such a strange contrast and combination to all of this. I wish I could describe it. I know I repeat myself. He just erases everything. It's just like they say about drugs. Nothing else is important anymore. No real pain, no real worried, no fear. He is my heroine.

The most agonizing thing… as we caught our breaths and I knew that Vincent would have to go again. I whispered that I would miss him. I think he didn't know the extend of what I said. But the most agonizing thing was what I saw just before he moved away again. I swear his pupils were round and his eyes were darker. I swear that his features were softer, were more human. I know it. I know it for sure. Like pulling at my hair is painful. His state is not permanent. He changes. I know that I wrote this before, but I always doubted. I always thought that this was something I hoped for. But those eyes were human. He is human. They've done something to him. He's human.  
Please let me see him again.


	33. Day 43

I really don't want to write today. Or at all. Anymore. I just want anyone to leave me alone. Peters smile is so annoying and he keeps doing that even though I tell him to leave me alone.

Yes, workout was just great! Ruined a pair pf panties and pants, because; guess what! Thank you mother nature. Luckily I have always a change ready in the locker room. Because I don't have extra clothes for training. Left the blood spilled rags on the ground. Have fun with that.

I don't want to read. I just want to cuddle up and sleep, and weep. Not that I have it. I've got cramps. Seriously. I've never had it that sudden that heavily. Like... don't they give me something?Shouldn't it help? Whatever. That I won't see V, that it's another 6 days makes it worse. Yes... like that I would definitely freak him out. No, I wouldn't be that pissed. I'm pissed. I don't care.


	34. Day 44

I want home. I really want to go home. Where I can switch off the lights and just… I want to go home.


	35. Day 45

I think it's because whatever they put in my food. Or maybe it's because of me actually having sex regularly. I'm childish. It's the third day without talking to anyone, without seeing him. And I know it will be over, right? This will be over. But I still miss home. I still miss the sun, the fresh air. I'm not the one that bathes in the sun a lot, but it still feels good on the skin. The smell of grass, of rain… I miss that. I miss outside. I miss classes. I miss seeing the other students whispering, ignoring me, or looking down at me. I miss normal. I miss boring. I miss being average. I miss… being a human.


	36. Day 46

I think actually knowing that I won't get to see him for some days just made me feel worse. I should have seen the positive about it like that I know when I will see him again. But then: who knows? Where's the guarantee?

Still I don't feel very well so I passed the offer to go training. It was a stupid idea because I would have at least gotten out of my room.

Peter asked me if I'd like to have a walk around. I really believed that he was kidding and barked at him that this wasn't funny. But he didn't chuckle or laugh. He really meant it. I'm still not sure if there won't be any consequences. So we went for a walk, he and I. Not outside of course. Not after being here just for 46 days. It feels like I've been here for months.  
We didn't talk, which was kind of relieving, though ironically one might have thought that after being on your own for days you might want to talk to anyone. Yet I can't really trust him, can I? He just would report anything to White.  
We walked from my room to my cell - the place of my first day here, which seemed like such a long time ago. We got past the gym and I can quite recall that path.  
I think that this was just because of White being not here. I didn't saw anyone on the corridors, but I could memorize the way and tried to calculate the actual length of this building into that direction.  
Maybe we can repeat that tomorrow.  
I'm insanely tired.


	37. Day 47

Two days. Then this week is over. It feels so long gone already. Today wasn't boring. I'm back in my rhythm, in daily schedule, apart well… my sessions of course. I wonder what V's days are like, what this week is like for him, what he has to do. I felt kind of guilty for not thinking about him, which is stupid of course.

I have to admit that it's nice talking to Peter. It's like no one else is around, which is something I should be worried around, right? Yet at lunch I asked him if he wanted to eat dinner with me, keep me company if he has to look after me anyway he doesn't have to stand the whole day, right? So he brought his own along with mine.  
We didn't talk about his work or my … obligations, about other stuff. It was like, yes, being awkward teenagers, whose parents had put together because well they were the only ones around. But it was nice.  
You know, it was random things we talked about: if I liked those paintings White had brought me… I realized that there is one painting of van Gogh in that moment. It was rather a stinging feeling. Maybe that was why I thought of 22 to V to Vincent anyhow. I don't know. It's the night sky. All of these are rather classics, but I like them. Like the waterlilies of Monet."  
"Well they bring color to this place", I simply answered to that, doing my best not to look at the night sky.  
I don't love that picture because of V and is shouldn't remind me of him.  
No, we didn't walk today but I told him that I really appreciated it.  
"Maybe we can put that into your schedule", Peter answered. "It's not like you've done anything that you don't deserve something like a little promotion."  
He can smile really warmly. It keeps me wondering, why such a nice, good looking guy like he ends up being a soldier, or I don't know associate of such a thing like that. Questions keep popping up in my mind. I want to ask him so many things but I don't dare to. I guess it's better that I don't befriend him, but then he makes me feel comfortable, normal, like being a human and not a subject, some object for their experiment to … well …release its sexual tension. But that's what I'm here for.


	38. Day 48

will it be tomorrow? or the day after that, or even today? a week doesn't really mean seven days on spot, right?

Peter brought my breakfast again and… a flower. God, that's so sweet, so cheesy and well he might get into trouble for that? it's a little cornflower. I don't know why but he figured that I like blue. Maybe because I told him. I shouldn't have been so happy about it, but he caught me by surprise. God, I definitely acted like a little child as I spotted it and you should have seen him grin. I almost hugged him, but I know: no friendship with the enemy.  
I put the flower into New Moon, to dry and press it and that's not symbolic. It's just the book I won't read, so it's perfect for keeping a flower to dry.  
However he sat down with me again and we talked about the books. Peter asked me if I would recommend any of those White brought me and if I wanted to have another one.  
"I'm not really a reader and if then I read Thrillers", he told me and now I was the one chuckling.  
"Then those books won't be something for you to read, apart from Wuthering Heights maybe", was my answer and he said he would give it a try.  
-

Eating with Peter is something I could get used to. This is how I could spend my days. I'm not really productive though and working out doesn't keep my head occupied. Reading alone doesn't as well. But talking to Peter helps and it's nice. He told me a little bit about himself. That he wanted to become a lawyer but his family didn't have the money and he wasn't good enough to get a scholarship because he had to work after school. I feel so ungrateful, because my parents actually tried everything so that I could get the best education. I could have become a lawyer or a doctor. Not that I had or have exceptional grades, but I'm not bad either.

I asked him when they will be back. I did. And he instantly became more sternly. Sure. I mean this is something he shouldn't talk about. He shouldn't even take me for a walk and stupid me bursts out with something like that on our way back from my old cell. It's not like i tried to memorize everything about this place. I really didn't, maybe I should have.  
Peter didn't answer. Not with words, but he simply shook his head. I don't know what he meant with that. But I guess that he can't talk about it.


	39. Day 49

I don't know if I should be worried or not, concerned or not, frightened or not. Nothing happened. So tomorrow maybe? It's not like nothing happened, but you know what I mean right? It was a normal day. Normal as it can be. I mean: my normal session-free schedule. No walking around but my meals with Peter. Normal. Yes, it feels totally normal - apart from being locked away in a white room, only have one outfit to wear like I am a patient in a mental institution. Which I am not. That's one upside of my diary: it's the 49th day: I was abducted, imprisoned, chained, left to be … abused by someone… It's strange what one week without that can do. Is time running faster or slower? I really don't know. I mean I know what I'm here for and yet again it seems so far away, even though it has been a week.  
Meeting V had been everything my life had circled around for more than a month. It was the only difference of the day I got and I… I liked it… did I? I mean it is just a week, how can I feel different about it. Because of Peter? No. I know that I don't want to stay, I know that I want to leave. I know that I want my life back, my normal, boring, average life. Strange. But this silly phrase is so fitting: you learn to appreciate what you had just when you lost it.  
I mean… do I appreciate V? Do I miss him? I think I do. I think I'm rather worried. Which is stupid… I know more about Peter after a few days than I know about V. But can I trust Peter?  
I catch myself staring at the painting. The night sky painting of van Gogh - I'm not even sure if this is the right name, but… I think I miss him. I feel like every day that passes on which I don't see him, all that has happened vanishes into the distance, like it has been a bad dream. Even though I am still here in that white room with a few of my books, my iPod on its station. These paintings. And still I feel almost like these things hadn't happened. Do I miss that?


	40. Day 50

I've read it. Just to be sure. White told me that "Starting tomorrow you won't have to see him for a week". That was on day 42. That was 8 days ago. And it didn't happen. It's evening now. I've got my breakfast, my work out, my lunch, a second work out, my dinner. You can't imagine how I jumped as Peter opened the door this afternoon and how confused I was when he brought me to the training room. I think he noticed that. He acted strange or maybe it was because I acted strange. I mean… I've got mixed feelings about this. It's okay to have mixed feelings right? On the one hand I don't want to go back to that, to waiting for my "sessions", I mean not my, his! with me… even thinking about this is awkward now. I'd rather talk to Peter.  
But I'm not stupid. I know why I am here. On the other hand I'm worried. Yes, I am worried about V, about Vincent, how I named him. I gave him a name. To make him more human. But what if he's less? What if he is in fact a cougar formed into a human like I described it? I know I shouldn't have read my own stuff, but I had to know if I had gotten it wrong. I didn't. It's 8 days. 8 days. Are they punishing him? I doubt that they punish me. I didn't do anything wrong and Peter is still here. What if he's hurt? What if … what if he's dead? He can't be because… I would be too, right? Or … they wouldn't would they? Put me to another one. I mean V picked me, he chose me, they wouldn't just… I can't do this anymore. I need to escape. I need to find a way out.

Can I leave him behind? Don't be stupid. How? I mean isn't he a threat? My scars are reminding me. They've healed better, much better than I expected. It's because of their science. I mean they are experimenting with DNA right?. What else could it be, right? So of course they can treat wounds better, right? V isn't some freak evolution of nature, right? And they are not… they are not experimenting with me, right? I don't get injections. But my food. It doesn't taste funny. So… but it wouldn't taste.  
Oh God I can't sleep. I'm going crazy.


	41. Day 51

It's not like I'm imprisoned for years. It's just… almost 6 weeks that's… and I'm fine. I'm looked after. I've got everything I need. Apart from a life.  
Nothing today. Like absolutely nothing. My meals, yes, my workout. TWICE, yes. But bow there wasn't even Peter there. What next? My books? My music, my paintings?  
I should keep isn't about me. This is about him. Their 22, my Vincent. Ugh, not mine, but… is it insane that I worry? After what…

I asked for White. He isn't there. I really knocked and the door really was opened, Now after that I realized that the one I spoke to was one of the gropers, which explains the way he looked at me. But this room seems to be safe. So I guess there are cameras.  
No, I am not freaking out about this, because it says that this room is safe. They won't come in here to rape me. It also says that Peter and me talking is okay, because else he would be gone earlier. I am nit freaking out. Freaking out won't help me.

There's no way to open that vent without hurting my hands and exposing me trying it. So I have to find a way to get something that helps be screw it open. But how if not making them suspicious? Taking a knife from a meal with me, would they notice? I shouldn't even write this, right? You are reading this right?  
But there's actually only enough time to do so when I'm with him.

Where is he? Where is anyone? Why does no one tell me something? Am I so unimportant?


	42. Day 52

I… I don't even know to start. I'm not sure if I worry about myself or him more. I mean okay, he's… being without him for so many days now everything that has happened just seems differently. When I read through what I've written I really can't recall feeling like that now. It's almost like I wasn't myself. And still I feel like missing something. I don't know how to put it. And it's not my normal, dull life - not like this is actually better, I feel like my IQ drops with every day… I think I miss him, V.

This is… I can't…

I'm so upset… and terrified… I just spend endless minutes beneath the shower… I think that was what panic felt like… I don't know what to do… everything is a mess… everything is ruined… I don't know what will happen… I don't know if I get another chance or if they will come and … kill me… I just…


	43. Day 53

I lay awake for hours. I can't tell what time it is but I guess it's past midnight, so well, yeah. Maybe it's my last entry, so it counts, right?  
Yesterday I felt so miserable. Not because nothing happened again. I can't really tell why. Like I said: I don't want to see V again and I do. I don't want to stay here but … I do. The worst thing is this uncertainty, this lack of purpose and that hasn't been different from my normal life, my former life out there, in the last few days. Nothing of this seems important right now, because… I was so stupid.  
You know, it was one of the gropers again who brought me my food. my breakast and my dinner. Same schedule, with no one talking or even smiling at me. And then, suddenly at lunchtime, a knock. First I thought it would be White, which already seemed to be a relief for me. But it was Peter, bringing my food and having a bag for himself. You cannot imagine how happy I was to see him. He has been so nice to me, I could talk to him. I made him smile. He made me smile so… I was so happy that I hugged him. I mean you can hug a friend. There's nothing about it, right?  
I didn't know. Honestly. I didn't have any clue. Seriously. Never. I mean I was never… I'm not the kind of girl being used to that. It's not like no boy ever liked me in my life but still. It happened so quickly. He kissed me. Peter kissed me. … and I kissed him back. It … it just happened. I literally felt butterflies and dizzy as he pulled away, looking at me with those beautiful eyes. He let go off me much too quickly.  
"I'm sorry", he stammered. "I shouldn't. I just missed you."  
I didn't know. I never thought that he would feel like that. So quickly. I'm not special. I'm average.  
I don't know what I was thinking, but I kissed him. I grabbed him and pulled him back to me. Just briefly, but still. I did it. I don't know how to explain this or myself. I asked him if he would sit down with me. And we ate together, grinning like fools. And now I feel like such a stupid stupid idiot. Of course he couldn't tell me where he had been, still I asked. Peter told me that he was home one day but he didn't seem like wanting to talk about it.  
I barely was finished with my meal when the door was pushed further open and Gray stood there.  
"Schedule change", he just said. Of course I didn't think that this was concerning me, but Peter jumped up and looked at me. They both did. This was White. I swear. Cameras. There have to be cameras in my room.  
They took me.  
"No", was all I heard Gray say before he shoved me into the cage and in the same moment the door behind me was closed the gate already was opened. It happened so fast and my mind was already making back flips on the way. I felt like being two persons in one. I don't feel like that anymore, but it was so confusing. Because I was scared as hell and so endlessly happy to see him again. Going there meant that he was alive, and going there meant to be away from Peter.  
In that moment I knew something wasn't right, somethig was different and I was so scared. Maybe even more than the first time they chained me here. But now this cage was in complete silence and I was free to walk around, clothed. I knew he was there, lurching in the dark corners of this room.  
My eyes didn't get the chance to get used to the dim light because the air already was pushed from my lungs as I was smacked against the wall behind me. Just like that. Out of nowhere, his clawed hand at my throat. Like he didn't recognize me. Like I was one of the others before me, it flashed though my mind. He sniffed and I knew. I smelled different. He smelled Peter. And he snarled at me. There was no way swallowing down the knot im my throat, because it was too huge and his grip was so tight. But, despite these tears burning down my cheeks, that still are fleeing my eyes as I write now… I wasn't scared. Not really. I betrayed him. He has every reason to be mad at him. Right? Why the hell am I writing this? I mean it's his view. In his eyes I was his, he had even told me that. And now, after seeming me for so long I was smelling of someone else.  
What was I thinking? White had made it totally clear why I was here.  
His face was so close that I could feel his hot breath washing down on me, too close that I could look at his face or his eyes, only his hair. I could hear the cracking of the speaker but somehow I managed to bring up one hand, facing my palm to the window White was looking through. As I tried to touch him, he snarled at me, making my hair stand up straight. But he didn't move away, even though his breath turned shallow as if he tried to avoid this foreign smell.  
"I'm sorry", I managed to say inaudibly, because I didn't have enough breath.  
Still - in my suffocating mind - I hoped that he would forgive me, I hoped that he would use his anger against me in a way … I hoped by claiming me it would be alright again.  
I did him wrong. I am so stupid, I'm such a pathetic, small-minded, shallow person. Me talking about him being human and than expecting that he would do me and it would be okay, like an animal probably would do. Instead he tossed me away like a doll, smacked me against the door.  
I deserve it.  
No, Peter wasn't punished, he was the one to bring me back. And I know that this was a punishment for me. I couldn't fall into his arms and cry. Even not when he actually brought me into my room. I tried to stay strong and numb.  
Like I said: I showered for an eternity. I don't want to smell like anything.  
By the way: lights are on. No breakfast, yet. I'm not hungry anyhow.


	44. Day 54

I don't know if it's passed midnight again, but it doesn't really matter. I am still alive and… I'm writing this because apparently I am the only normal person here. Apart from Peter maybe, but I can't think of him now. There's nothing what I could write about him, apart from that he probably guarded my room the whole day, not bringing me my food. I'm somehow relieved that there was no chance talking to him and I hope it will stay like that, because I wouldn't know how to behave.  
But that's not what this is about.  
I barely ate… that is I had to eat my dinner, because of White. He visited me. He brought my meal. So I had to sit down and not just poke at it, even though I felt rather like puking instead of eating. White… this meant something serious, like telling me how disappointed he was and he did.  
There's much more what he did.. not like I would have expected though.  
"You know I'm disappointed", he said in a teaching tone. "But I can understand that you as well experience a lack of social contact and that I … tested you."  
Yes, he said that. Looking up to him with big eyes wasn't voluntarily, but it still seemed to have an effect on him. Because… he places his hand on my shoulder, briefly rubbing it. Despite that it was HIM, the reason why I'm stuck here, maybe even why V is what and who he is, it did relax me a bit. Comforting me would mean that he wouldn't kill me, right?  
"I… I'm sorry", somehow I managed to say that, dropping my head and I tried to stay in that role he obviously wanted to see me. "I… I failed you."  
White didn't answer to that. I figured that this was a good thing, so I continued, imagining that I wasn't talking to him, but to Vincent.  
"Please forgive me. I .. I'd do anything to make it right", it just poured out of me before I was able to think it through. "Punish me, if you want to, but I … I want to make it right. " I don't want to die. I'd do anything to stay alive, even though I have no reason to want so, because it's not really a life, is it?  
There was no way for me to look up, so I stared at my food which didn't look edible to me.  
"Anything?" was all that White said and it sounded like a mixture of a statement and a question. I had no idea if I was suppoded to answer, but something about his voice gave me the chills. Still I looked at him and nodded, giving myself goosebumps because of that bad feeling creeping up my legs.  
Did you ever expect that someone just rising from a seating position would terrify you? I didn't but still I felt like that. He told me to stand up. I obeyed. To turn around. I obeyed. To bend over. My will was frozen making my body follow orders that weren't my own like I was thinking them. So I placed my hands on the table and tried not to think what might come next, but I did and I waited for him to pull my pants down, just to remind myself that this would go against the policy, because I was V's…. right?  
And then.. his flat hand smacked against my rear, making me shriek. I hadn't expected that. I didn't expect the second slap either. He didn't say a thing. I muffled myself at the third, but tat only made the fourth more painful. So with the fifth I already had learned that he wanted me to whimper. Strangely that burning pain reminded me of V and this effect made me blush. I felt so embarrassed. I still do. Ten.  
"Tomorrow", White said, being a bit too much out of breath. "You will look up at me. Be a nice girl."  
All I could do was nod and I didn't move until he had left.  
I feel sick, because I am. This is sick. Right?


	45. Day 55

Yesterday... I think I have to start chronologically. like I always have. sort my mind. It's afternoon now and I don't know where they will take me today. I've slept after breakfast and they let me sleep, just like yesterday. So today hasn't happened much yet. But it's about yesterday, right. So that comes first. I just hope they leave me alone today, like everyone. Yes, Peter as well. I'm.. I just need to clear my mind ...  
So they let me sleep in, which means as Peter came to take me for workout was so tired that he just let me sleep. Yes, he's still around and somehow I feel awkward about it. I don't know how I managed to sleep till lunch, not with what had happened the day before, but maybe it's because sleep is the best way of forgetting, ignoring?  
But after lunch all of the sudden I was wide awake, because I remembered what White had said and that it meant I would see V. I was so nervous that I was shaking and nothing not hot or cold water would change that and I showered really long.

That Peter and Gray were the ones to take me didn't make it any better, rather worse. I felt like the second time they brought me - which seemed like an eternity ago - but worse. I asked myself if White had told V to do something specific, to punish me as well and I realized that I never had really thought about the connection between them. He White control over him? Was he trying to get control over him through me?  
Before I knew it I was in the cage again, stepping inside, hoping that they would chain me, remembering what White had told me. So when they - much to my relief, though it wasn't helping - led me to the chains at the wall, I looked up to the window.

I think my heart was pounding that loudly that even I would have been able to hear its echo in this room if my blood rushing in my ears wasn't deafening me. And that was terrifying me even more. Yet I felt something else, something lurking beneath my skin, like anticipation.  
There was no way hearing him and I wasn't able to move anyhow, reminding myself to keep my eyes up to the window, knowing that Whit was here. This was part of his punishment for me. It would sound sarcasm to say that it couldn't get any worse.  
Closing my eyes was pure instinct as I felt his breath in my hair, right above my ear that was facing towards him. Despite any effort I couldn't open them, because I had to keep breathing and stay put. I felt like freezing, even though there was a blaze burning deep inside of me, like a secret that I kept from myself, fighting to break free.  
V didn't snarl, though I had waited for it, he didn't purr either, no matter how bad I wanted it. As he tucked at my hair I managed to open my eyes and despised it that I had to look up.  
"I'm sorry", I exhaled, before I could stop myself and he hesitated, so I added. "I'm so, so sorry." He had to know that I meant him even though I looked up, he just had to, but somehow I hoped that White felt addressed to. I felt so sick, so devastated and I was sorry. I am sorry.  
Then suddenly I could feel his face in my hair, sense him inhaling, yet it was the only touch. One of his hands passed his face, supporting himself against the wall - my eyes still glued to the window, and then there was the other hand wrapping around my stomach, pulling me and pressing him. My eyes flew shut and with my sight the world vanished.  
I know. I know. I know. I know. How can I explain? I can't. Peter made me feel butterflies, it was warm and comforting and nice. But he, but Vincent makes me feel...like an army of ants invading me, like birds, like I am burning without being burned, safe and ... like he needs me... desperately. Call me crazy but I think I just felt that. And with him not being allowed to talk to me, to tell me... what else is left?  
"I'm still yours", I whispered and my eyes opened, fixating on that cursed window, hearing him growl lowly against my cheek and I felt like I was understanding what he meant.  
I mean he was able to see that I looked up.  
"Do it", I breathed out. "What he told you."  
I know! This is insane. It was insane. It still is. How can one sense pain without feeling it?  
He tore off my clothes, slowly, like they were my second skin. The sound was so loud in my ears and yet... I'm sure that White hadn't asked for him to take his time, but yet he did... somehow, running his clawed hands across my body, my belly and breast, before ... that.  
I knew that I shouldn't close my eyes but I had to, because he had been so gentle until then, which made me feel even worse. I had expected him to me mad, to be violent and not so... forgiving. Until...  
there was no doubt about it that White had ordered him to do that, to pull me backwards that I was barely able to support myself agains the wall with my hands, pressing my palms against the concrete, just like the day before. Slowly he dragged his claws down my back, rupturing my skin, creating and leaving a tearing burn, that made me exhale and whimper. Down and down my back to my rear. Three times. I wanted to suppress my sounds of pain, but I know that White wanted to hear them. You won't believe me when I say that I knew V didn't want to do that to me and now I honestly don't know. Then I did. After that he... I was sure he was told not to be gentle, and he wasn't. And I think he wasn't even able to hold back or restrain himself. The marks of his claws cutting into my flesh ad my hips are still hurting. It was brute, instinct. I can't tell if I liked it or not, just that I'm so sore. Thinking of it gives me goose bumps and makes me feel... hot.  
I know again why... why I wrote all this then. It's not just about this, about having sex. It's about me as well, about having me.  
He entered me much too deep and he knew it, still there was no stopping it and I looked up. As he came it almost felt like fire, even more than that and oh God. I mean he.. I won't apologize anything. After that he pulled me up again, bressing me tight against the wall and I keep wondering if that was part of the punishment, I still have the scratch on my cheek. He held me there, me looking up, his face pressed against mine, inhaling the scent of my skin. Despite that... it felt good feeling him against my burning, scratched skin, even though his sweat agains my ruptured skin seemed like acid.  
Time passed. His hands moved up my sides and for a moment I feared that he would use his claws again, but he didn't. Instead he made my whimper as his palms reached my injured hips to move them towards him, forcing my back to arch and my breast to scratch against the wall. His fangs, yes, fangs pierced into my shoulder as he entered me a second time and it burned. That much that tears ran down my cheeks. At least he moved slowly, bringing back one hand against the wall next to my face - I still could look up - and the other one between my legs.  
God, I wish I could explain this mixture, how... how the pain melted into that feeling. It was... I don't know what sounds I made I just now that I lost my voice, sensing his fingers at my weakest spot and him inside me. The memory alone makes my breath turn shallow. I...  
I need to shower but everything burns. I need to help myself but everything aches. I'm a puddle of acid.

I'm so grateful that they left me alone today, even though I miss... what do I miss? Whom?

-  
And I'll never forget that eerie expression on White's face as Vincent was gone and he came in to cover me with a bathrobe. I... I don't want to write it down. One can imagine. Two other people doing what he had wanted. I am so, so, so relieved that there's no other smell on me allowed. I hope that V and I will never be separated without White being as well again...


	46. Day 56

Whatever lotion they gave me, it works. I guess that was the itching. It was just there yesterday and I have the odd feeling that someone put it on my back when I was asleep. Yes I slept naked despite everything because I couldn't bear sensing the fabric on my skin. And now... I mean that explains what I dreamed. No one's going to read it anyhow, right?  
It started of... awesome... I shouldn't be ashamed of it. So here we go: I dreamed of V... being between my legs, like the way I returned after him scarring me. I guess it had felt that amazing in real as well because why else...? however I just could see his eyes and I ran my hand through his hair. When he suddenly looked up and... it was Peter. Okay I know dreaming is the voice of your subconsciousness and yes, of course I would hope that they are one and the same person. However... he moved up to kiss me and as he pulled back all the sudden it was White. "You really think it's that easy?" he asked and started to choke me, while he... entered me. I stood up straight in my bed.

This is just crazy. I think this is what happens when you're not part of a social system, when the one in charge is really in charge. White came to visit me after breakfast. Earlier than I had expected to be taken to my work out, which was why I was in the bathroom trying to take care of my scratches. I was barely fast enough to cover myself with my t-shirt. He obviously didn't mind. Instead he stepped next to me and took the lotion. I froze. But he really started to just put the lotion onto my back. As he spoke he sounded casually:"How did you know?"  
Of course I was confused about this question; I had expected him to say anything about yesterday but then this. However he figured out by the way I looked at him through the mirror, that I had no clue.  
"His name", White explained calmly, too calm for my taste, yet I figured that he didn't want me to know how he felt about it.  
And then it dawned to me what or rather he meant: "His name?" I repeated, just to clarify to myself, though I still wasn't sure.  
"Vincent", the man in the mirror gave me a dark glance, not an annoyed one.  
This look... it was terrifying, like getting a glimpse into his mind through the black pupils fixating on me. Into this black abyss that was White.  
"I... I... how?" I heard myself stammer, being unable to look away, like a prey in countenance of death.  
"You said his name", White stayed calm, though he was speaking more lowly than I was used to, and I remembered.  
The memory alone gave me chills and I could picture myself, heard myself exhaling out the name I though I had created for myself, while he...  
"How did you know?" now I could hear a slight tremble in his tone alarming me that he was losing his patience.  
"I just... ", I answered, clawing my fingers into the fabric I held to my chest, covering me. "You named him 22. V is the 22nd letter of the alphabet. There are few male names starting with V and you brought me this painting of Vincent van Gogh and I just thought this would be a nice name for him."  
The words tumbled out of my mouth and while they did I literally could watch White's face lighten up.  
"You are in fact much more than I gave you credit for", he smiled slightly, which was maybe even more terrifying.

"Walk with me", he said and before I could say something he had taken my bathrobe from the wall and places it around me, holding my shoulders to move me.  
I was too shocked to protest and when that state had lessened I didn't dare to, because was at his mercy in every way possible, and somehow I knew that he just waited for me to be a bad girl so that he could punish me again. Even though it was a strange feeling of power, knowing that I could have a special effect on someone just by getting my rear slapped, I didn't want that what happened the day before again. I mean, not all of it.  
However I quickly closed the bathrobe, still holding my shirt in which I had slept in, before White lead me out of my room. Peter was standing there, but was told to stay and not accompany us. I covered my face with my hair and tried to hide the fact that I was half-naked beneath that bathrobe.  
We walked and White didn't let go off me, holding on of his arms around my shoulders. I was so confused and terrified about what he was planning to do, because he was so unpredictable. My mind made back flips pondering what would happen, what he wanted to do with me. But I tried to calm myself down with telling me what I was here for and how Vincent wouldn't handle it well if I ... smelled differently. Odd thoughts in real life. Crazy even.  
We walked the way I would now already find blindfolded on my own, but somehow I knew that White wouldn't bring me to the cage and in fact: he didn't. We walked past it, further than I had ever went in this complex and my heart was beating even more heavily than I had done before. Our way brought us around the cage and I realized that the whole construction seemed to be a dice or something with straight walls on the outside with the rooms forming smaller dices on the inside. At least it appears to me like that. Maybe I'm wrong, but if this is true, it will help me escape. Suddenly we stopped at the other end of the dice that seemed to be V's cage. There was another heavy metal door with a small barred window in it, allowing no privacy. White positioned me in front of it and I knew he wanted me to look inside. This in fact looked like a prisoner's cell, or like a soldier's room? Something in between maybe. A mattress on the ground, or at least what was left of it. It looked like a wild animal had tried to tear this plae down. There was a half destroyed locker, the mirror was shattered but held in place, maybe because it was security glass? Confused I looked at White and he seemed somewhat pleased.  
"This happened because of you", he stated. "not only because he had to punish you", he added because he obviously say the protest twitch in my face, "but because you said his name."  
That made me swallow and I felt guilt heavily in my stomach. Suddenly the door was opened and he shoved me inside.  
"You mean that much to him", I heard White behind me. "That much that you only saying his name made him do that. Enjoy your work."  
The door behind me was shut. Instantly I turned around but his face wasn't in the window.

I don't know if White was aware of what he had done. I'm sure he wanted to punish me in a different way for reminding Vincent of having a name of being a human. Maybe he just wanted me to spread my scent in V's room, which I did. I don't know for how long I've been standing there, looking at this place, realizing how much better my situation was. This cell was just as small as my first one and just as dark, though there was a second door. I figured it lead outside - regarding my theory concerning this facility. And yes, this room has a vent, high above the ground. I guess if I get inside the air circulation system I might have to climb a little.. yes I'm thinking about visiting him "outside the visiting hours" don't blame me. I just want to see his face, like his real face, his human face.  
Vincent even managed to damage his metal basin and I can imagine now how strong he really is if he can do that. I stared into the shattered mirror for a moment. How cruel, I thought, but then again wouldn't it be more cruel to not have one? And I ... yes, I still had my shirt in my hand and that basin is hollow. Since he managed to punch a hole in it I stuffed my shirt there. I mean if Vincent should be reminded of me, he should have something better. I don't know if it was the right decision. I didn't even decide to do it, I just did. And when I was finished I found something on the ground. He had broken off one of his claws. Without thinking I took it and dropped it into my pocket.  
Maybe White saw that I had taken the claw, if he did he didn't say anything about it. He doesn't know that it is not just a souvenir. I tested it. I can move the screws on my vent with it.  
And now I wait and see if I get to meet him today. Somehow I doubt it.  
-

I was right. Peter brought me to the gym after lunch and that was it. I'll try to open the vent tonight.


	47. Day 57

Somehow I managed to loosen two screws, just a little. I didn't want to raise any suspicions by staying in the bathroom for too long. I shouldn't even write this down. Well: try to find my claw, you won't. However I barely moved them and I need to loosen all eight. It will take me days.

Peter asked if he could sit down with me for lunch after I haven't spoken to him. He escorted my alone again today, but I didn't know what to say to him,. Not after what had happened. One could think that White had planned that and Peter was involved with it, so how could I trust him? Yes, I kissed him, but he kissed me first. It's not like I am in a normal situation right? And e barely know each other. I mean I liked him. Why do I try to explain myself?  
Hoping to see Vincent again is just as insane. Because obviously I'm just there to ... for him to.  
However I agreed. Let's see what happens.

He said he was sorry. He'd better be. I told him what happened and he was shocked. Either Peter is a hell of an actor or he really didn't know, or maybe he didn't expect how far White would go. And he repeatedly apologized and promised that he won't approach me unless I wouldn't first. As if. As if I would want to risk White treating me like his personal little schoolgirl anymore. Even though I learned - more than I wanted.

And of course who visited me when I thought they would take me to V. Yes, White. I think he likes that I am jumpy around him, and quiet, and watch every move of his. I really don't want him to come to me more often, even if he choses to tell my about my session schedule. No, today I don't have one.  
"You see we cannot reward him for his behavior", White told me.  
"Like destroying his cell?" I replied even though I had decided to keep my mouth shut.  
However he didn't seem to mind a conversation with me and nodded.  
"But it wasn't his fault", I argued and wanted to slap myself the moment the following words went across my lips. "It was mine."  
His look gave me the creeps.  
"Still it was him who destroyed our property and not you", he eventually said.  
"But..." I could kick myself now, for contradicting but White cocked one brow in amusement: "Go ahead."  
"I'm here for his reward, I get it", I avoided to look at him. "You are trying to train him. I... I could help."  
I definitely took him by surprise with that, hell I took myself by surprise.  
"How could you possibly do that?" now he was mocking me.  
"You want to control him", I assumed. "And yet you treat him like a wild animal."  
"Because he is", White responded.  
"He isn't", I argued again and stopped being careful without noticing, forgot what I was to this man and where I was. "He has a name, he has feelings, he doesn't just need sex, he needs more than that. If you give him more than that... "  
I couldn't continue because White stepped towards me, made me retreat until my back was against my wall and I realized that my room wasn't a sanctuary. Not to White. He reminded me perfectly, invading my personal space, towering over me. He didn't touch me. Thank God.  
"You forget your place", he told me lowly with a smug grin, obviously he liked my little rebellion.  
I didn't dare to answer, although I asked silently if he wanted to punish me again. I know he wants that, but I don't need to give him any reason.  
"Maybe I'll get back to your offer", he said as he backed off.  
"I won't fail you", I said.

Tonight more screwing my vent open.


	48. Day 58

I won't give up. I won't. I broke my claw. It's useless, but at least I managed to loosen some of the screws. Enough so that I can use the head of my electric toothbrush to continue working on them. However I have to be careful not to break it or they will know... if they check the wastebasket.  
I don't know what I was thinking yesterday. I really offered White to help. To help? I mean I think I know V but I actually don't. Just like I didn't know Peter and thought I did and look what it lead to? Then again V's cell. Would White go that far and stage it? Why? Why the effort? What for? Messing with my head? It's not that he needs to, I'm perfectly capable of doing that myself.  
I need something to occupy myself with and I can't hang around in my bathroom all the time they will notice. Music is boring me and the books as well. And workout... training is good to get rid of all the energy building up being imprisoned. Yes I'm in a better shape than I was in before I got here. If I could go there more often. But then again the gym is not only for me, right?  
Ironically I want to be left alone. I don't want to talk with Peter. Definitely not with White. Gray probably would be the person I would want to spend time with now, because he doesn't say much. And V. I don't know. I really don't know. Do I believe what I have said? isn't that wishful thinking? I mean White told him to torture me and he did? Does he try to be a good boy just like I did try to be a good girl?  
I need to get into that vent and take a look. I really want to see him outside our sessions, because maybe I really can see him and not the beast White chases on me.

Lunch. The steak tasted different. I guess it was lamb. I liked it. The cook is quite good. I wonder if I could get in the kitchen or maybe work there? I need to do something else. Two months almost.

Two months... really? I wonder if anyone misses me. Semester isn't over yet but ... do they actually fake mail my family? Or are they looking for me already? I never thought... hell, I never believed this would happen, so of course I never thought that I would miss my life.

I guess this is really why I miss V, because he makes my days... different. I could say that this first time injuring me was just an honest mistake something he couldn't control but following White's order? Why did he do that? Just to freak out after that? Wouldn't it been just the same refusing to do that? Why did he willingly hurt me? I mean the second... no why? White said because of me saying his name. Did he try to obey so that he would see me again? I just...no.

I feel like going insane. Why is today so different? what is different?

dinner. cheese, grapes, raw carrots, yogurt, same shit. I actually took the fork with me going to the bathroom and used it on the screws. That worked really good. Just when I wanted to loosen the ones above Peter came in to take the tablet. I quickly brought it back, explaining that I needed something to clean my nails. He bought it, maybe because my cheeks were flushed. Finally something good about that.

I woke up in the middle of the night. I went to the bathroom. I checked on the vent. I could lift it open. I can...I think I can squeeze myself through it. I didn't dare to.


	49. Day 59

I waited and waited and waited. To wait is the worst thing ever, because your mind goes on a crazy spree. I want to be busy, I need to be busy, because I don't want to have all these thought reminding me of ... reality. I'm not here voluntarily. I was abducted. I am being molested and worse. I am a toy for some freak human-animal cross breed, but he's held imprisoned as well. Reading what I write... it still seems unreal. What if I am really crazy? What if I am in an institution because I'm sick? Maybe all this is just my imagination? And my family has to endure this? But why haven't they visited then? I know I don't really have friend, but my family would come to me, wouldn't they?  
So I asked if I could go to the gym again, when the point passed on which they usually take me to V, because I felt like going insane.  
And actually, turnin paranoid has some upsides: I think I've spotted the cameras in the gym and I believe that there is none in the shower, which has a vent! I really need to explore the air circulation system, right? I just wish that I have a clock. Don't I have one? I have my iPod. Silly me. I'm so stupid. I'll track their time now, just to be sure. And I will put my chair in front of the door at night, so that I can tell if they check on me. [this explains why she has a list of times written down on the cover page]


	50. Day 60

Yes, exactly. No one visited me yesterday and it was Gray who brought my food. Not that anyone would wonder. Even I didn't wonder about it. Strange. But then again: hat isn't? I mean strange is my new normal right?  
Actually I already thought that they would have a certain schedule. It seems to be an 5 hour schedule, even though they aren't taking it too seriously.  
Breakfast at 7/7:30 am, Lunch at 12/12:30 pm and Dinner at 7/7:30 pm - would figure. I'm just sitting at Lunch so we'll have to see. However at 10/10:30 am I get to go to the gym for 1,5 hrs. and I guess at 10/10:30 pm the lights go out here. So I actually get 8 hrs of sleep. Because the lights get switched on earlier than breakfast. I guess at 6/6:30 am?  
Can I already risk going to explore the vents tonight? No, I have to be sure when they are checking on me more than once, like they did at 12:15 am. So I guess: 12:12:30 am would fit perfectly into the schedule, but I don't trust that this will be the only time that they check on me. So, when would they normally take me to V or to a second gym round? 3/3:30 pm, if they really stick to that. So of course the second check would be on 3/3:30 am as well. I have to be sure. So I'll place one of my books in front of the door after the first time they check on me at night. If it's moved, I know that there's a second check. So I'll have to stay awake and find out about the time. I can't do the chair thing again, they will become suspicious.

White.. oh I wish I wouldn't have to see this sadistic pervert again. He just was here about 2 pm, which doesn't fit in the schedule. I tried not to think of what he has done to me, what he told V to do to me. He didn't stay very long. THANK GOD. But again he moved to close. I don't know. Does he hope that he has the same effect on my like Vincent? Does he really think that I can influence what I feel like? He noticed and moved away. Still that smug grin. I don't want him to think what he obviously thinks. I have to find a way out of here.  
I don't want him to ask for anything, but he wanted to know. So I asked for a yoga mat. Not that I do yoga, but I could train in my room a little. He approved of it. If he just knew that I need that mat so that I don't hurt myself crawling into the vent. I can't believe that I write everything inside here. What if they read it? But it seems like they don't for now.

I'm worried for Vincent. Even more now that White hasn't dropped a word about him. Instead of going to him they took me to the gym again. I tried to find anything that I might be able to sneak into my room as a tool, but there is absolutely nothing. No Peter either. Peter… I can't say how I feel about him. Maybe he was just following orders, maybe he really likes me. However White used him against me and Peter is after all his associate, so… can I use him against White?  
I need to know how Vincent is. I fear they are still punishing him, because of me. I need to see him. So I'll take a stroll, tonight, after they have checked on me. I'll take my iPod with me so that I'll return at 2/2:30 to my room. Just to be sure.


	51. Day 61

I really need that mat because a towel hasn't enough hold on the rim and I could really hurt myself climbing into that vent. It's mall and tight but fortunately I'm not that broad and I think I really lost weight since I've been here. and stronger. I could pull myself up, but I need to train my arms more so that it gets easier.

I'm tired. I tried to hide it this morning but Peter has seen it I think. He looked worried, not concerned, so that's a good thing.

I didn't get that far. I had to climb up and down a lot and my socks weren't really helpful. Next time I have to go barefoot and I really need to work on the strength in my arms. It's really tight in that vent, bu I try not to thing about that. There are crossings in which I can turn around so it's good. I only have to be careful to not fall down the exits. And I have to draw maps. This is a maze. But writing all of this down is already a risk, however I can't start hiding my diary, because they might look for it and realize that I have managed to open one of the vents. Yes, I have another on in my sleeping room and I am thinking that in there is a camera. Good to think of that I'll start looking for cables as well.  
There's a room next to mine that looks like mine. But there's no bed but a desk. I don't know if it will be part of my rooms once, or if it maybe is an office. Couldn't see much. That room follows another bedroom with a bath. So maybe… yes maybe I'm not the only one … or there will be another one like me in there? Can't tell.  
Maybe the reason why I don't date to write this down is… I don't want it to be true? I know now why we don't go through those rooms for a short cut. I thought that those were maybe two large rooms but in fact they are five. One is a storage room. So that's where my towels go, cleaning stuff and such, maybe useful things if I have a chance to get in there, next to that is a large closet. And there are not only clothes like mine but uniforms ans such as far as I could tell. The third room … It seems t be some sort of secret room? I'm not sure, since I only can see through the mesh. But it's some sort of … interrogation room? and that's nicely put. Yet again I couldn't see everything so, I don't know if torture chamber is the right expression. Maybe both? I hope I'll never end up there … and I hope that V will never end up there. Maybe he has? Maybe hes in such a room somewhere else here? Because Of me saying a name? That's crazy. But crazy is normal here. The fourth room is full of dark lockers and apart of me hopes that they are weapons. Room five seems to be some sort of monitoring room for three. I need to get a tool, a way to get down into these rooms without destroying the mesh. Okay. I still got the tape, but would that one hold long enough? Maybe if there'd be strings and tape in the storage room I could … But first In need something to open that vent from the inside.

There's an outside. Fresh air. Sunlight. But it's a deep hole in the ground. Straight walls dug into the earth and the roof appears to be glass or a mesh with another building on top. So even if you get up, there's no way out. Still fresh air. And sunlight. But I'm tired now. I need to sleep. I'll write later.

It's late now and I won't go up the vent tonight. I'm too tired. Yet I can't sleep. I do need to write down what happened. White took me. He came into my room without knocking, grabbing me at my upper arm and dragging me along. I still have his fingerprints on my arm. I was so terrified. Thinking of that I start to shake. I really thought he would… This look on his face. I hate it when he glares like that. I think he would be nicer to me if I…. but no.. never… NEVER.  
We walked the normal way. Into the cage. I never had seen that there is another door. Because it has no window and there's no light hinting it out. And there is the outside. It leads outside. The sunlight was burning bright in my eyes. It's as big as a football field. As soon as I got used to the brightness I could see what this is about. It's divided by fences into different areas. all the fields were empty despite one. Some figures were standing and others lying on the ground. I heard snarling. And I knew it was him. At the beginning I couldn't say if they were attacking him or the other way around. He was moving too fast for them to shoot him apparently. But they were too much for him for not getting hurt. I could see, I could hear it.  
"Make them stop", I heard myself breathe out as he pushed me closer and I asked myself for what? Did he want to punish me with seeing him being hurt, hm bleeding? Though a part of me knew that not all of the blood on him was his own.


	52. Day 62

They just checked on me, which means it's past 12 am and a new day has started and since I know that I will spend the rest of this day in my room, I just started a new page for a new day. So I begged White to stop all of that, to leave him at peace so he would calm down.  
"Make him stop", he just answered to that and I was stunned. He did believe that I was able to do that?  
Before I could answer anything he yelled a name I couldn't recall and one of the soldiers came to him. It was like watching it all in slow motion: how White stretched out his hand and that guy placing his gun into his palm. Next thing I remember was feeling the barrel against my temple and I was frozen, just like the scenery before me. Vincent stopped in an instant, taking his opponents by surprise who stopped as well as a result. That hadn't been what I meant. This hadn't been the way I had wanted to help out.  
"I gave her to you, I can take her from you", White said in a tone that scratched down my spine icily.  
All I could do was look at Vincent. Seeing him for the first time in full light and in this form White had forced on him. He breathed heavily, looking back, just at me, straight at me. V narrowed his eyes as I felt the movement, White lowering down his mouth to my ear on the other side.  
"I wanted to show you the monster you are in love with", he whispered and by the look that V gave me I knew that he could hear that. "Look at him. Isn't he gruesome? Isn't he an animal? Covering itself with blood he's drawing relentlessly?"  
I barely heard the words, just saw Vincent's expression. And this wasn't the face of a monster. This was the face of a man being scared for me and scared of my reaction to those words. I couldn't say anything, not with that gun against my head, not with what I saw. Yes, White was right. What one could see was a monster, but it was a monster he had created and I was sure that whatever happened that V had acted like that, it was White's fault, because he perfectly had proven to me that the only true monster here was him. I don't know for how long he allowed us to stare at each other, but I could see at some point that Vincent did hurt himself by clenching his clawed hands into fists. The only explanation I can come up with is that he needed to stay like that and no shift back. Because White wanted me to see the monster.  
"Remember that", White suddenly spoke again, making me flinch.  
I'm not sure whether he meant Vincent or me. Somehow I think he meant us both. I kept looking at the man in the shape of a warped animal and I knew that beneath this skin still was a human. White would never understand, would he? Although he had never told me. I just know that Vincent had been a normal human once. It's the only logical explanation to that he did stop the second he saw me in danger, instead of attacking. I'm not making this up, am I? I need him to have been a normal human once.  
"Please", my voice was less lowly than I expected. "Don't hurt him."  
All of them looked at me saying that, but I didn't care about anyone but Vincent. He just had to know that I didn't despise him.  
"Interesting", was all that White commented on that but I heard more than just one word. This guy is a pervert and unpredictable. I will never tell what is going on in this man's head and it terrifies me more than V ever could. I am sure of it.  
The guns was removed from my temple but I flinches as I felt that man's hands on my shoulders with him leaning to my ear again: "But how can I teach him a lesson then?" White asked me like I was a little girl and I felt sick all of the sudden. "He has to learn to follow orders and since I rewarded him with you he disobeyed even more. Since you said his name there's no working with him."  
I head it. White called V a him and not an it. That is a difference. I am right.

I need some sleep. I'll continue writing later.

They haven't taken me to the gym yet. Why wouldn't they? I would refuse to work out anyway. So I continue writing.

"No one touches him", White ordered after I didn't give him an answer. "You", he pointed at Vincent - "back to the cage" - yes, it is in fact called the cage and V followed that order without hesitation and White pushed me forward to follow him. And I asked myself that he wouldn't force anything on us. He wouldn't. All these thoughts, you can imagine. But I couldn't imagine what was going on in his head. So many people are so easy to read but not him.  
"You know. I need him in the field, I made a promise", White explained while walking. "I need him functioning. We had made such a good progress and then I made the mistake to give you to him. And now I cannot keep you away from him because it gets worse. You understand my dilemma?"  
I nodded.  
"You think you see a human", White figured. "He was this once, yes, and somehow the second he saw you that memory was triggered. But he isn't. I tried to show you that. In so many ways."  
I could tell by the way V's shoulders tensed that he listened to those words as well. He wasn't wearing a shirt and now I could see the old scars I had felt before among the cuts that would be new ones. He had already been through enough.  
"This human died and we brought him back not human, do you understand?" White continued, now obviously trying to convince me with words. "Your feeling for him, your care will backfire at you. He will hurt you and it won't be my order."  
There he had admit it.  
"The first time however, wasn't my order. That was him entirely."  
V was swallowed by the darkness as he stepped through that door which lead to his cage. White shoved me through it.  
"She wants to see the human. Show it to her. If you can."  
Yes, he said that and my heart started to race in that moment. V turned around but still with these deformed features. He didn't change instead he walked towards me, placing his stained hands on my shoulders ans shoved me back outside

The rest of that day I spent working out and I guess they waited for me to say I want back. I didn't and that is why I am sore now.  
I doubt that anything will happen today. I still have this image in front of my eyes. Of Vincent. How he glanced at me and how he looked like. I wish I knew ... I mean I wish he had just changed at let me look at him. Why didn't he show me. Couldn't he change, was it that?

Two months... it's been two months. And I was right, nothing happened apart from Peter bringing my mat. Yes, I got it. Peter looked tired and worried. There was this expression on his face like he wanted to tell me something, but he didn't stay. I didn't know if I should ask him. I mean, don't judge me. I don't trust him, but I'd love to talk to someone. I'd love to talk to Vincent.


	53. Day 63

I'm feeling so tired, even though I've slept a lot. I guess it's me getting my period soon. I hate that. I know I'll be hungry all the time now. I guess I ate my breakfast in a new record. I'm on edge. I don't know why. It's not that I've got a sixth sense or something. Still I feel like something is going to happen soon. Or maybe I just hope. Then again White taught me never to hope for anything to happen. I have to be picky and hope for something specific, just in case. I should have gone up again tonight, but I just feel so… tired. Maybe I'm scared what I will find.

I don't know if I can do this anymore. I don't know how I did this anymore. Maybe because I was in shock or in denial? Or did I think all of this was a dream just to realize that it isn't?  
If I got a chance I would kill him. I would kill White. This sadistic pervert pig. He is the monster and no one else. Who put him in charge? How could I even think of trying to play along with his perversions when he… this man is despicable. I hate him. I despise him. I loathe him. I God, is this even real? Is this reality? Am I dead? Or in hell? I want to go insane. I want to lose my mind, because being aware of all this, knowing that this is real it's just. I can't do this anymore. Not like that. I need to get out of here.

I… I can't write down what happened. I can't write down the details. Not now… It's just. How could I even do this before? I am not imagining this, am I?

He … White… I guess this place gets to him as well. Because…. how can a human be like this? I mean I've read and seen so much of this but … I guess it makes it rather unreal and one never believes that this could happen to oneself.  
I was brought into the cage again, chained to the wall again and I don't know why I was so stupid to believe that we would get back to where we once were. But no. White was there and he ordered everyone out. His tone again. I am sure that there was even no one in the surveillance room. … It this how power corrupts?  
I couldn't turn around, but I heard him. I knew he was there, not only because White talked to him, telling him that he was losing patience.  
"If you don't manage to control yourself, you are worthless to me and this means she is worthless as well", he explained and yes, of course he was talking about me. "So I order you to do what you have failed to do the last time I ordered you: shift back. If you turn and try anything. I will punish her. Now shift back!"  
Yes, I have welts on my back and it hurts like hell. But you know what? Somehow I am really happy that I just got them and that this pervert of a man didn't do more, like he threatened to. He told V that he would… take me if he would continue to fail and seriously: how should V not lose his temper hearing that? White knew that it was impossible. I swear he wanted to do this to me. I'm going to kill him… or I'll kill myself.

no, he won't get me. I won't give him that satisfaction. He won't break me.


	54. Day 64

No idea why, really, but I guess that it is a good thing that this pain on back makes me angry, not V-angry luckily but somehow every time my back hurts I'm pissed. Helps a lot when you get up after the first nightly check- int to pull yourself up a vent. The mat works perfectly by the way. I went further tonight. But I really have to be cautious taking that shortcut across this interrogation chamber because I almost fell through the grate and it doesn't look lie I would have something there to get up again. I have to remember to take the double tape with me just in case. I need a belt. so next mission: get some gear. However the air circulation system splits up several times. I need a marker so that I can make notes at the crossings to hat I can navigate through them. Planning all this makes fun, really.

And yes: I got to the anteroom of the cage. I didn't dare to go further, I have to admit it. Because I heard noises and I couldn't tell if it was him or not. So I took a peek into the surveillance room, meaning that I had to climb. I will need gloves. There's much I need honestly, gonna make a gear list, just in case.  
So yes, I could take a look at the monitoring room and of course that black mirror is actually a window. But I couldn't see through it from my position. However they have some monitors and I believe... that they are taping. Everything. This is so disgusting...  
I tried to find a way around the cage. The ceiling is very high and I fear that the vent system ends here. At least when I follow the left trail. But I have to be careful. I don't want to right anything. So I went back.  
Now Peter is going to take me to the gym and I'll ask him If I can stay longer and I he could pick me up earlier tomorrow. I have to work on my strength.

They say pain is gain, and it's actually true. But I have to be careful not to do the same thing over and over again. Luckily I have a good memory. Like the teacher said: so that your muscles can gain strength, they have to get time to grow. Or something like that. SO I need to train different areas on different days. Of course for worming up. I'll go on the treadmill and bike.

As I came back there were two books on my table. I knew instantly that White brought it and... really... it's one about Yoga and one about Thai Chi and I had to laugh, because Thai Chi is also some sort of martial arts. At some time women weren't allowed to fight so they made that sort of "dance". Thank you, Whit for supporting my plans. I have to try this out instantly. But after lunch.

I really started to go through these books, but learning it from drawings isn't that easy. However I didn't get far because Peter knocked and entered when I asked him to come in - because that's what you do. He wanted to know if I was alright. Obviously he knew what had happened.  
"I would show you, but I guess I can also tell you that I should be blue and purple on my back? I'm sure it's some sort of progressive art. At least your boss definitely will see it as such." I couldn't help it.  
Apart from that I have to admit that I liked the expression on his face. I just need to like him for that. Although I want to believe that he's just an incredibly good actor, something tells me he's not. Maybe White has tricked him as well. Or maybe I wish so badly that at least someone around here is a normal human being that I am blind.  
"I'm here to take you for a walk", Peter said and got me off guard and of course I was instantly tensed and worried; still I went with him.  
We were alone, no Gray, no White, just Peter and me and he didn't touch me to lead me the way. I just stayed at his side. However there were only two directions we could have gone and I'm not sure which one would have worried me more. Right or Left. Left or right. Gym or cage. It was cage. But I knew that this complex was huge so who knew. Maybe we were just walking, maybe I would see the sun once more.  
When we passed the door to the cage I relaxed and I think that he noticed. Even though he didn't smile as a reaction. Luckily I didn't think about that then.  
I realized where we were headed to when we had already arrived: V's cell. When I stood there for a second time I saw the number 22 on that door and it felt strange to see that. I touched it without thinking and Peter's hand moving right next to my face made me flinch. All he did was removing the blind so that I could look inside the room, which looked in order now.  
I didn't know what I really had expected to see and what I had hoped to see. However what I saw was neither and both. There was someone inside there making push ups, the back faced to the door. It had to be Vincent, because it was his cell, yet he didn't look familiar. Did he? I remember looking ad Peter questioningly but he didn't react but stepped back, so may eyes moved to this picture in front of me. Yes, who wouldn't like to look onto a back like that? Perfectly shaped and athletic. Then suddenly he stopped and pushed himself onto his feet swiftly.  
"It's not working anymore", he said, yes Vincent spoke and this voice sounded so strange and still so familiar. It was not that deep and full like a lion, it was ... human. Edgy and somewhat hoarse, still deep, but young. May heart made a jump and started racing wildly. I had no idea what he was talking about and he didn't continue but froze, like he could hear my pulse.  
How do I describe this feeling? I don't know how.  
"Catherine", he said my name, full of realization that it was me and already the sound of his voice was different than just moments before. Still he said my name and I instinctively got closer. I still can feel the metal of that door beneath my palms.  
To hear him talk and to hear him speak out my name was something entirely different. The sound of my name just...I felt like soaring, like being put in cotton. And all I wanted was to touch him, to pull him close to touch him. But I couldn't.  
"Vincent", I answered, but he didn't turn around; yet I could watch how his muscles first flexed and then tensed.  
It was just his head that moved and what I saw were finer features quickly deforming to what I was familiar with and then the blind was shut.  
"We need to go back", Peter explained and I nodded.

I still ask myself what Vincent meant. Maybe I should ask him tonight. Somehow I feel like I already know the answer. He didn't tens immediately, like he was used to all this. But ... he should have been able to smell me, yet he acted like I wasn't around until he heard my heart. Are they trying to condition him?


	55. Day 65

This stinging pain it tells me everything. Just perfect. I should have known that I'm going to have my period soon. I can't climb through the vent now. I mean Vincent obviously has a perfect sense of smell, so … I don't want to upset him.

I guess that was what he was talking about? About it doesn't work anymore? I know I've asked this before. I'm getting a headache. I should sleep.

No one bothered me. Gray brought my food. They didn't take me to the gym, as if they knew. As If they know that I will start raising hell in my uterus and won't work out the next few days. This is creepy.

No White, no Peter, no Vincent, but cramps. I'm freaking hungry, I'm starting to get annoyed and I've got no nerves for teaching myself Yoga or Thai Chi. Damn.

If I could get at least some fresh air, but no. And how will I survive in this room when I can't do a thing? I will definitely not talk to Gray.

This day sucks.


	56. Day 66

I'm in pain. I feel like my own body is torturing me. What Have I done to deserve this? I can't do anything but lay down and squirm.

Peter is being so nice to me again. He brought me tea, but he doesn't speak to me. I guess Gray is standing outside again and that's why Peter doesn't dare. It seems that he remembers also the consequences of the last time we spoke or rather came closer to each other. I really cannot understand why I kissed him.  
And then him bringing me to see Vincent when I actually didn't see him but in the end was just there to torture him again. Am I really a reward? Or the ultimate tool to break him? Is this what this is all about?  
White wants to force him into blind obedience and he's using me for it. Oh he's definitely wrong about that.

66 days. Is it really just that long? It feels much longer. So much longer.

Peter brought be a hot water bottle. I really don't know how to take him. He's so nice and still White's soldier. Maybe I should do something they don't expect. I mean. They are using me, why should I not use them? But I'm not like them, am I? Do I wont to become like them if it means that I can break out?


	57. Day 67

When I woke up this morning it seemed to start out like a decent day. No piercing pain, no stinging. Breakfast was okay as well apart from or maybe because of the fact that Peter accompanied me. I was blunt. I asked him. Simply because he had been blunt to me as well.  
And yes, they are "out" doing some tests again, what ever this means. However I don't like the sound of it. Maybe - I didn't ask - they are really timing it on my period? Would they? or is it a lucky coincidence? If you can define that as lucky.  
Apparently Peter dares, or is allowed to eat with me when White's "out". Why else would he act like that again? Should I care? I care about Vincent.  
"So why did you bring me to him?" I asked at lunch and made him almost choke on his food. I didn't laugh even though it looked funny. "So that he would freak out? Is this all what this is about? Him freaking out when he should learn not to? I mean what stupidity is that? Referring to him as an animal, treating him like an animal but then expecting him to behave like a human?" It just blurted out of me, not that I really tried to stop it.  
I'm weary, tired. I don't care anymore. I guess I will care again the next time White plays out on of his eerie perversions on me.  
"I don't know what his intentions are", Peter answered to my outbreak. "but I think that you are right. Denying him to be treated as a human makes it definitely easier for others to not think of him as equal and might befriend him. I mean I talk to him now and then and it's…"  
He cut himself off but it already was too late. Somehow I was smart enough to hide my excitement.  
"Don't tell my boss about it", Peter added quickly.  
A voice inside me is warning to take this as the truth, but I guess i should at least fake that I believe him. It's not that I am planning to meet V on my own terms soon, right?  
And yes, apart from dining with Peter having small conversations, and being unsure if and how I should play him nothing really happens. I mean… he did play me too, right? Shouldn't I repay the favor? But then…what might he expect? What else do I have to give than what it Vincent's?


	58. Day 68

I heard them talk about me. I just… I can't put into words how I feel. I need to get out of here. I have to stop pretending that his is just a nightmare; because nightmares aren't real. This however is more than real.  
I climbed into the vent again. During the day, because I felt like climbing up the walls so why not taking it literally? Since they didn't take me to the gym again, which they could have because I'm back to normal, almost. I thought I'd take a stroll. I mean women can spend an hour in the shower. Still I have to be careful, because I don't want them to put me back in that little cell. But I climbed into the vent. I wanted to take a look if I could find the way to V. I didn't come far because I heard voices and apparently that room next to mine seems to be an office. Guess whose? Exactly. Well at least White was the one sitting at the desk like he was a king or something. And he was talking to someone and that someone was talking back. I know his name now.  
Doctor Sorensen. That's White's name.  
"So since we are keeping her here, we could - or rather should - take her into the program. Otherwise she's just wasting recourses", the other guy said. I couldn't see him; he was walking around in the room and I didn't want to take the risk moving closer to the vent.  
"She is already part of the program", White responded.  
You want to know why I know they were talking about me? Wait for it.  
"Doctor Sorensen, I don't see what her being 22's vent if her being part of the program. Wouldn't it make some sense to give her the treatment as well?", the guy gave back.  
"And what then? You now that the possibility that he won't touch her is very high?" White retorted. "We already tried that, remember?"  
"Then we give her to one of the other subjects. What about four?"  
White smashing his palm onto the desk made me flinch, luckily I was already that tense that I barely moved and made no noise.  
"You are overstepping", he said after a pause. "Let me explain something to you", White got up from his desk and even though he didn't know that I was there, even though I was a few feet up in a vent, he gave me the creeps. "I will try to explain this in a way that you can understand. You are aware of our problem that all of our subjects have mutated differently from what we had anticipated. Their second DNA is dominant to the human strain. We have to find a way to correct this and there are two possibilities to do this quickly. First is trial and error on our living subjects. We don't have much in a comatose state and we know that each DNA is reacting differently. Or we are going old school."  
"Old school", White's – Sorenson's – guest repeated, not knowing what he was talking about, I however suddenly had a very bad feeling.  
"Breeding", I could see him shrug and that movement seemed to switch on that sickness in my stomach.  
I was wrong, they aren't putting something into my food to prevent pregnancy.  
"So that's what she's here for?" the guy asked.  
"Not solely. She's of multiple use. 22 is attached to her, so that is how we can condition him."  
"I haven't seen any progress, quite the contrary."  
"I am working on that matter", White responded. "And since I have the freedom to do everything that I seem fit, I will sooner or later break him. He will give in. He's one of the few who still possesses human sanity and reason. He knows this and also that we are aware of it. This is another reason why she has to stay like she is. He feels responsible for her, because he knows she is here because of him."  
"So why did he chose her in the first place, didn't he realize? If he's so reasonable as you say", the guy asked and luckily he seemed to follow the same strain of thoughts my mind was on.  
"He didn't actually know that there would be consequences. He didn't realize why we gave him that footage on those different people", White shrugged again and leaned against the desk. "I doubt he knew that we would abduct the one he would watch the most."  
"Footage?" his guest asked.  
"I told you about it, you all were okay with it. To pick potential comrades. How did you think we would make them choose? They needed to get to know them, so we filmed them, copied photos. 22 is the one I started with and depending on the results we will let others, like four choose as well", White explained with that same patience he showed me. "In the end he was only watching her tapes. Even when there were new tapes. He only looked at hers."  
"So he likes her?"  
"I think it's more than that."

I had to go back. Because of various reasons. I had to force my dinner down my throat but I didn't want to risk bringing up any questions. How am I supposed to sleep now? Vincent cares about me. A lot obviously. How bad must he feel knowing that it's his fault that I'm here? And now I don't know if I want to see him again. I mean… they want me to get pregnant. How long until they decide that it wont work? Will they kill met hen?


	59. Day 69 12

I just couldn't sleep. There was no way. I'm wide awake and the second check-in just left. Now they'll return after the lights go on. I don't know what to do, or think. They cannot know that I know. I have to sleep, get some rest Maybe not today. They won't be suspicious because of one day, but if I keep on behaving differently they will know. They might find out about the vent. They cannot know. But still thinking of the fact that they want me to ... That they are using me against V is nothing new, but I never imagined that White has planned everything out that precisely. Not that it surprises me. But him saying that he believes V is more than just attached to me. What does he mean with that? More than attached, more than caring. Does he believe that Vincent might actually be in love with me? How can you be in love with someone you barely know? And that's me who says that, having a crush on the one that... And they have footage of me. So more or less he knows me, more than any of my classmates. It's more than just ... using me to him.  
I need to see him. His face. I need to know what he is like when he's not that. When he's not the beast.

I went up again and tried to find the way. It's further than I have expected and I needed to climb a lot. I really need to get some tools, something that I can pull me up more easily, because it makes me lose time and I might get too loud now and then. Going barefoot helps, but also increases my chance to hurt myself. I guess that I was lucky, but I need to find a way to make it easier to see him. Yes, I saw him. I did. I don't know what to feel.  
Maybe it took me half an hour to get there. I lost track of time. I barely made it back in time. It took me too long. Hopefully they wont check the recording, otherwise they would know that I wasn't in my bed for hours. I don't know what they would do. And I need to see him again. Without White perving on us.  
It took me half an hour I think. I just remember hasting back and stretching my hand. However I found him. Suddenly I was at this dead end. First the room beyond it looked like the others: black, dark. I crawled closer just to check, switching my flashlight out quickly. But I saw that the walls were gray and not white, they weren't painted. So I moved closer. And there he was. I needed some time to adjust my eyes to the dim light, but it was enough for me to recognize this room.  
I definitely had prints of the vent's mesh on my face that hard i pushed it against that grate so that I could see him. In any other case I never would have done that, invaded someone's privacy like that, but I just had to. And I seriously have never expected to see what I saw. I mean, I don't know what I have expected. I can't really say, but. I mean I knew that he would look human, I kind of hoped it, yet... I admit that I hoped that he wouldn't look as ghastly as he did as a beast, but now... he's handsome. No, I'm not writing this down so that I actually believe it. He really looks good, very good. I mean that kind of the-guy-I-would-have-a-total-crush-on good (not that I already do, haha) but just like that kind of guy I secretly would sigh and sob about but never would have get a chance with in real life.  
And now, writing this during breakfast, with my eyes burning and a headache approaching I wonder if this is why he chose me? Because I would be bursting into butterflies because he likes me?  
Yes, it didn't take time for him to realize that I was there and one thing that makes my doubt the logic of my doubt is the fact that he uses my t-shirt that I left him as a pillow. Can you imagine. This is the stuff twilight novels are made of, right?  
I don't know if he smelled me despite my shirt, or heard me, my pulse, my breathing or my movement. I say it was it all. I hated and still hate it that I made him wake up, because... God, I could watch him sleep for hours. And I ripped him back into reality just by being there.  
First he was confused and looked around to not find me there. His eyes are dark, not yellow-ish, they change, just like everything else. And they did soon after he realized that ... I guess he realized that he wasn't dreaming. He got up onto his feet and stood still to listen for a moment. I bet he thought they were testing him again, because he looked so tense. And right then when I wanted to inhale and whisper he looked me straight in the eyes and I breathed in because I was stunned. And he didn't continue warping, though he breathed heavily. My thoughts were right: White is forcing him. I'm not allowed to see him like that, or he's not allowed to appear like a human to me - it doesn't make any difference. He just stared at me and I stared back. Maybe we were both wondering in that moment if that was real. Quickly his eyes flashed towards the door and it's window which was closed.  
What do you say in such a situation? the only thing I was able to bring out was a "hi". FACEPALM. He just swallowed. I guess he was too busy with composing himself.  
He looks so normal. Maybe a bit older than me, but not that old. And the downside of him looking at me as himself was that I could see how he felt: tormented, haunted, desperate.  
"Are you okay?" I asked and again: how stupid! But he answered, speaking lowly: "yes."  
"I...", I had no idea what to say; id didn't really believe that I would find and talk to him. "I missed you", I chose out of all the things that were rushing through my brains and apparently this was the least thing he had expected, his face told everything.  
You know the vent is a dead end, but it's like nine feet up and there's not really something he could climb up, apart from his closed which he can't move I think. Maybe I would be able to kick it out, but imagine the noise.  
"Catherine", was his answer. But the way he said my name. Like it was so much more than just a name. Like he was touching me just by saying it. I never thought this could be possible. And then he added: "I'm sorry."  
"You don't have to, really", I was quick to answer. "You didn't know the consequences."  
My words made him frown.  
"I overheard White... I mean Sorensen talking to someone else."  
"White?" he just asked, which tells me that he knows White's real name.  
"I give them names, you know", I shrugged and he smiled slightly.  
Dear God this smile. It was quick to end and I bet it was because he heard my heart jump into a sprint.  
"So that guy who brought you here?" he asked cautiously.  
"Peter?" again it jumped from my lips and I regret it, because hsi expression darkened: "He told you his real name."  
"Yes", I responded.  
"I don't trust him, you shouldn't trust him", Vincent said taking a step closer.  
I never wanted to touch his face more badly than in this moment.  
"You cannot trust anyone here, Catherine", he whispered. "Not even me."  
"But I do", I gave back hesitantly - oh yes, definitely Twilight,I know! But it was what I said and it was that what made him tremble. "I know you didn't want to hurt me. it's not your fault."  
"but", he disagreed. "the times after. I ..." Vincent was searching for the right words and he stopped looking at me.  
"I know. it's the only way you can make sure that we will see each other again. It's what he told you, right? Like everything else, right?" I wanted to know, I tried to explain and he looked up at me again, in awe. I think that was it. I'm not really used to that expression directed towards me.  
"Yes", he nodded.  
I don't want to think about if they put something into my food, or my drinks, it there's something in the air, or if it's fate. I don't really care. I wanted him and I want him and when I leave, I'll leave with him.  
Vincent sensed that. I am sure of it, because his eyes were fully golden-yellow after I thought of feeling his skin against mine, of having him closer than close. A glimpse of an eye later the only thing that separated us was that grate. He had jumped up, his clawed fingers clasping around the meat that ached a bit due to his weight. The only think I was worried about what that he could rip it off and it wouldn't get back into place. Because I haven't found a way out of here yet. And then I realized that he was close and his face had slightly warped,slowly changing back. to use his special abilities he has to change. But I didn't care. I placed my fingers against his. I couldn't touch anything more. But I could see him.  
"You need to go back", he whispered after minutes of us looking at each other and me stroking his fingers.  
I swear the next time we'll talk more.  
He told me to not come visit him too often, just to raise no suspicions.


	60. Day 69 - part 22

How was I supposed to work out after all of that? However I at least tried to, because I didn't want to raise any suspicions. Music helped me a lot. Strange that just today I wished that i had the possibility to listen to the radio and maybe gt to know some knew songs. Then again the only thing I really know is to see him again. I want to get to know him, the way he seems to know me. Somehow it feels wrong, because he knows me better than I do him.

I didn't expect them to take me. I don't know why, but I really wasn't prepared. I'm not able to explain the difference. Why it's different from the times I met him before I actually met him. I know It was just for a few minutes, but still I was able to actually talk to him and see him as a human. And those few minutes were enough. Enough to change everything between us. I don't know if I regret it I don't kno really would prefer to see him as a beast and not a human. But it's too late to change that. These thoughts. So odd.  
For them nothing had changed. For them it was just taking me to the cage, closing the metal door behind me and waiting for the beast ot do whatever it wanted to. But for us everything was different now, just because of a few minutes.  
I was so nervous. Like I was waiting for my prom date to show up. How odd. How awkward. How ridiculous. can only guess that it was the same for him. I knew that he had to warp his appearance, so you can imagine how stunned ai was when he approached just lie he was: dressed in a t-shirt and military pants, bare feet and his face just as perfect as it was, as I had seen it the night before. Oh yes, somewhere behind these walls I could sense White being angry. But I couldn't care less.  
He stepped closer slowly. I felt like I was going insane or like I was dreaming, somehow definitely both. I met him halfway. I knew that I should've acted differently, so that they wouldn't be surprised or concerned or doubting. Yet I couldn't. Yet all I could do was framing his face with my hands and pull his mouth onto my lips.  
I knwo it was stupid, so stupid. But there was no way for me to act differently. Hell if you could see his face, if you just could imagine that expression if his. And this kiss, this kiss, thiss kiss. There were things written about this. I know I sound cheezy and like a drink teenager, still….  
if a kiss would be able to disintegrate clothes, this was one of those, because I can't remember, I can't recall how these pieces of fabric went down to the ground. The next thing I knew was sensing the cold wall against y bare back and his mouth against my neck. And it felt like he was sucking me in right there through that spot on my neck. How insane?  
It was like nothing else was there but us, like the air was the music clouding us, hiding us, from everything else. Even though I was aware of White being there, a part of me just wanted to taunt him and so I gave in without restraint, without caring, though I should have known better. God, I drank his lips, drowned in his breath, whenever I got the chance. His lips were just another set of fingers brushing across my yearning fingers and I clawed my own into his hair.  
And honestly; we just gave him what he had been asking for apart from the fact that we truly and deeply enjoyed it. Vincent pressed me against the wall, kissing me with his soft firm lips and nothing really mattered to me, not one of my thousand doubts and worries.  
It felt like a dream. It made everything appear like a dream. And I never wanted to wake up. I wish I could describe it. How it felt. How insane, how amazing, how devastating, so perfect. He was still him. And our eyes were glued to each other. When he held me against the wall. In that moment.  
You know I really don't care. About anything. About what he is, what they've done to him. I doubt that it will ever feel better than with him. I don't want anyone else. I don't care. And I won't leave without him. No matter what it will take me.  
I felt perfect, and I was perfect, as long as he was that close to me, as long as he was inside of me. Trying to explain how it felt like, trying to put this feeling into words. It would never measure up to it. We were alone and one.  
Judge me. Tell me that I am inane. Tell me that this is just my Stockholm syndrome speaking and I will tell you to fuck off.


	61. Day 70

I know that I shouldn't expect or hope to see him today. Apart from the fact that there seems to be that unwritten law that there are not two days following up on each other when I get to that cage. However I think he broke a rule. I mean he didn't warp his face. And I… I didn't react surprised. Yet nothing is different today. My schedule is the same. Now I'm at lunch and… wait. Are they suspicious? Will they be? Will White punish him? Will there be punishment? I think whenever this pervert gets a chance he will go for it. I have to be careful what I say and do so that he won't know.  
and no I didn't visit Vincent, because after dinner I simply passed out. I never have felt s perfectly worn out and tired in my life. Like spending all the day on the beach strolling, enjoying the sun and fresh air.

I don't know for long I have been staring at this blank page in front of mine, trying to find some way to start. Now I'm writing about starting to write but it seems to work. No, they didn't take me to him. I wasn't taken. White came to me. And he brought along a laptop. Which confused me. He wouldn't bring me that. And of course he didn't. He told me to sit down and placed the second chair close to mine and I didn't dare to scoot. He showed me. Yes, I already thought that they were taping but I never expected to see those tapes. Watching myself makes everything so much stranger. It was the recording of yesterday. I believe Sorenson, White, could hear my heart hammer in my chest.  
I don't know how to describe it, or if I even should because I knew what happened, I was there. At least I thought. But I didn't. I mean, I remember it, but differently. It's like I still feel his lips on mine and on my neck, like everywhere. I remember how he looked at me. caring, grateful, yearning. But I don't remember that he changed. Maybe because it was slowly. I don't know. I think I was caught by the picture in front of me, watching it. I don't know if White was looking at me or the recording. He changed and my behavior didn't. I mean how? I didn't notice. How didn't I notice? Vincent started out being human and I guess my surprise about that was enough so that White wouldn't be suspicious although we kissed like a couple that hadn't seen each other for months - which is somehow true if you think about it - but then. I thought I didn't notice because Vincent didn't, but he hesitated at some time. I pulled his warped lips back on mine. White didn't stop the recording. And I … the way he looked at me I didn't dare to stop watching it. Maybe he wanted me to get sick by the sight of it, maybe he just wanted to see my reaction to watching myself doing it without restraint with what he called a monster. He just made me experience that for a second time. He just made me want to do it again. I know it sounds crazy, but do you stop … whatever you felt for someone when that someone is changed by events he couldn't influence? Would you stop wanting someone because he go burned and his appearance is distorted? It's about the character, not the appearance. maybe that's not the right comparison. To me it is.  
"Why did you show me this?" I asked after the video stopped and White just looked at me.  
"I think you know", was his answer and it made me look at him, made me see his glance with those cold, terrifying eyes and I know, I just know that he wants me. I just now. In his own way i guess. He wants me as his chew toy. But unfortunately, White, you made me 22's chew toy. My thoughts. Maybe I will learn to regret being that rebellious even if it's just in my mind yet I think he saw them on my face.  
"You won't see him for some days", he closed the laptop and got up, I followed asking why and "why is it so bad he showed me his face? It didn't make any difference, did it? We still did it. Isn't that what you want?"  
"He wasn't allowed to", White answered dryly.  
"This is was it's all about? Because he wasn't the good dog you want him to be?" I was too loud because I was too angry. "He's a human being, not a dog. You cannot train or treat him like that."  
"I can treat him the way I want, because I made him what he is. I define what he is, not you", the sound of his voice should have alarmed me. "And I can treat you like I want, because like him you are mine."  
"I'm not", I wanted to disagree but then his hand was at my throat and it paralyzed me. The next thing I knew was that he had pushed me against the wall, his thin fingers tightening around my neck.  
"No one is coming to save you, you know", Sorenson said. "You are dead. There was a fire at your dorm and you didn't make it. All what they have found were a burned corpse which had your DNA. It was quite easy to manage that. You've been buried in your hometown two months ago. You are mine, because there's nothing left of the human you once were but you. And if you don't behave like I seem fit I can take you away from him and I can train and treat you like a dog as well, maybe even turn you into one."  
I expected him to flip me around and rape me. I really did. But instead he left.


	62. Day 71-73

_there are no entries about day 71 and day 72. the next one is 73, so I put them together - admin note_

I'm back. My diary looks untouched, like everything else, but they might know. White sent others to take me. Not Peter or Gray. I think they were the same that groped me in front of V's eyes. They walked me back to my cell, the room I first woke up. where it all began. They stripped me of my clothes not without touching and groping me while doing that and then tossed me in, laughing. So apparently it wasn't enough for White to tell me what I was to him, but show me. It wasn't enough to tell me that I was dead to everyone outside in the real world. And of course he wouldn't remind me of all of this for just one day. I expected it to be two days, but not three. I'm back now. It's almost midnight as …  
I need to write this down. I need someone to read this and find away putting that mad dog down. White's the monster, he's the animal. If I could I would kill him with my bare hands. I'm sure V wants to as well.  
No food, no clothing, not even a blanket. I drank water from the tap, filling my stomach whenever it grumbled. Of course that water was cold so there was no way warming me up than either moving around or crouching down. They left me alone the whole day. Without light. Just those rays that the door didn't hold back. I couldn't move the vent with my fingers, I didn't try. I didn't whisper into it, because I knew Vincent wouldn't be able to hear me. I kept worrying about him that whole day.

But then there was the night… White needed to remind me to be grateful, and to be as I had promised to be: a nice girl. It was dark. And they were dressed in black. The light in the corridor was off so I couldn't see much.I was wide awake as the door opened and somehow it reminded me of that moment when they abducted me. I was never so terrified in my whole life. I guess not even the first time I met V. I kept reminding myself that they needed me to be untouched in some way, because V should get me pregnant and not someone else. But that didn't stop them from anything else. I'm sure that White gave them rules which they wouldn't dare to break. So they didn't… They "just" tossed me around. They were meant to terrify me. And it worked. Feeling their hands groping. I just…. I don't want to write the details. They didn't rape me, not in the classical sense anyhow. Three. And they didn't talk to me, just laughed, muttering things. I didn't want to hear any of it. And as they left they tossed me a bone. Message enough.

Even if I would have have a blanket it wouldn't have covered me I think. I didn't want them to surprise me at night again, so I tried my best to sleep during the day. Which is hard when you are hungry and images haunt you. I try to explain all of this with reason, because White has a reason. Maybe he wants me to be afraid of meeting V again and having sex with him, as his own special torment. But he definitely wanted to make a point. Not that he already had. I'm wondering if he watched it as well. But he definitely wasn't one of them.

Every sound made me jump. I tried to sleep, but the further the day the more difficult. And then the slid was opened. I'm sure it was one of them. Because he kept taking about it. He offered me something to eat and i could tell what exactly he meant. Eat something of his. I didn't answer and I tried to ignore him and his taunting. But at some point I couldn't hear it anymore, him talking about what I was, how I looked like, that he would love to fuck me into every hole. Maybe that was why I had to spend another night. Because I got up and walked up to him. And I bet he thought that I would tell him that I'd accept his offer getting something to eat for a blow job. But I didn't. I grinned at him and said: "I'm going to kill you. I'll remember you. And I'm going to kill you. Or maybe I will let 22 kill you and watch you getting ripped apart. I will make Sorensen allow him to kill you."  
With that the slid was smashed shut and it was me who laughed.  
I laughed briefly because I just had admitted knowing Sorenson's name. But it was too late. I should've kept my mouth shut. But it was too late.

When they came that night I fought. Like an animal. But that was the closest thing they would ever get me to be one. I love every bruise and every scratch of mine. They are my trophies. And I knew it. They weren't allowed to do more. And that guy broke the rule. Oh he's so screwed. He told the others to pin me against the wall, my back facing to him. And the told him that they weren't allowed. he answered he wouldn't fuck me and that this was the rule. Well he didn't, I felt his fingers.  
"STOP", someone yelled through the open door. I realized that it was open. I couldn't tell whose voice it was, but they stopped. They left and the door was shut.  
Anger kept me from crying. Wrath kept me from collapsing. The thirst for revenge was what did more terrible things to me. White is in for extreme measures. Mine have to be more extreme.

I knew that they wouldn't take me back to my room the next day. And I felt like starving. I tried to distract me with working out but I was too weak. So I tried to make some Yoga and Thai Chi. It helped. Like painting out my plans on revenge and escape and thinking of touching V, being close to him, having sex with him, knowing that this guy would watch and never get me. I wanted that. They need to suffer more than me. I erased every doubt if I would see Vincent again the second it appeared in my mind. I will do everything to see him again. Because I need him. And he needs me. We keep each other sane. We are saving each other.

I was ready to fight the next night. But it was still day 73 when the door was opened and White stood there, wearing his white clothes. The way he looked at me… I just ignored it. I knew what I had to do. So I ran up to him and tossed myself into his arms. Hell no I didn't hug him, I just pressed myself against him, digging my hands into his shirt. For me I just wanted to steal his warmth. For me I just wanted to make him feel that I was his remorseful, scared and broken little girl that promised to be good. Maybe I would have puked as I felt his hands on my back after a moment of hesitation, but there was nothing in my stomach to puke out. I don't know if it worked. We will see. However he took off his coat and wrapped it around me like his arm as he walked me back. I made sure to glare at the guy whose days were about to come to an end. and he felt it.


	63. Day 74

I'm still tired and edgy and I couldn't stand the look on Peter's face as he brought me breakfast. Worry. I think that's what I saw. But I'm not sure. I don't know if I even care. He will not help me.I know that there is a chance that White planned all of this. Even that the humiliation went that far. I don't put that past him. Yet all he achieved was that I miss V even more. Or did he aim for that? I'm not sure again. But I believe that he want be to go full on Stockholm Syndrome and siding with him: my dungeon master. I think I have to make him believe that.

I wasn't able to sleep, not even after Sorenson put me into bed. So the first thing when it was okay was me going to the bathroom and checking the vent. It's not shut tight, but i can't tell if she have checked it. I kept wondering if they would suspect me if I went through it now to get some tools. Or if they would believe that I'm too shocked that I am incapable of it. I went with the second, but I should have been prepared. Every time I loosen that vent it gets harder to put it back, so it seems. At least just with my fingers.  
So I crawled my way down toe the supply room and of course the vent was stuck. I don't know how I am supposed to open it. The screws are outside and I can't do anything with my fingers. I need a nipper. Where do I get a nipper from? There's no way I can open that without nothing from this side, I could only kick against it and make noise and even If I manage to get into that room and back up again, how will I close that thing without no one noticing that I got in?  
I've never been the girl using others for her own advantage, but I think I have to and I think I have to go to the fullest. I don't know if I can.

I asked Peter if he wanted to eat Lunch with me. If it was okay, because I couldn't stand being alone. I think it was logical to say. When he brought me to the gym I tried to get closer to him, just a little, so that I would accidentally touch him. I mean he works for White, I'm not doing a bad thing, right?

Something unexpected happened at Lunch. White brought me my food and I did my very best to force a shy smile on my lips. He had wanted to show me that he was the master, that I was whatever he wanted me to be. I tried to remind myself of that and not take the fork and ram it into his neck. I would love it to be covered in his blood. But I played the nice and shy girl I had been before he had taken me. Something tells me that he is jealous of Vincent. I cannot say why. It is just a feeling.  
"I heard you would like some company", he said and Peter brought his food. "So I thought that I would join you today."  
He didn't continue so I figured that he wanted me to answer. I didn't look up, I didn't want him to see the disgust in my eyes. I wanted him to think that I was scared and the little girl he liked to see.  
"That", I made that pause on purpose, "is very kind of you."  
So we ate and he asked me stupid things first. About if I liked my books, especially the new ones, my paintings, my room. If I did appreciate it now. If I was grateful for his hospitality. I gave shy and brief answers and nodded, avoiding to look directly at him. I think I nailed it. And then he asked me what Yoga postured I was able to do. I just got up to show him.  
After putting that mat into a direction where he could perfectly see me I pulled of my shirt, not looking at him and made those figures.  
"Very good he approved", and nothing else.  
I know he likes to watch, maybe more than everything else. I guess that this is something good for me.

Of course I wasn't taken to V after that, so I asked Peter for a walk after Dinner and he agreed hesitantly. There was no Gray so I was lucky I guess. I moved closer to him again. I need him to show that he cares, even if he doesn't. I thought about the fact that outside of these walls I was officially dead. I didn't need to act trembling. He asked if we should go back and I shook my head.  
"I can't stand to be watched, it feels like they are touching me", I said and he moved away. "I don't want them to use me. I just want…to be safe." That wasn't a lie, and that I said that when we passed that storage room was on purpose.  
Peter squeezed my hand, nothing more. It will take time. I don't know if I have that patience.


	64. Day 75

I don't want to become like them. I don't want to become a cruel, vicious person that cares only for itself. But I know if I don't, I won't get out of here. I'm not sure if I even have a chance to, but I will have to try. And I guess that I only have one shot at it. I keep asking myself what might happen if I fail, and how they will punish me. Now knowing what happens if I even act rebellious. What will they do to me when I fail to escape? The only worth I have to them is the worth I have for him, for V. I don't want to use him. I will never use him. He's the only one that doesn't deserve it. He is the only one. The others don't care, so I shouldn't care. I shouldn't care about Peter.

Now I know how they do it, those chicks who get whatever they want. I doubt they have an own personality, they just become that what the other one wants to see, so they get whatever they are aiming for. Not that this makes any sense in my eyes. I touched him accidentally, I smiled shyly, I even blushed, but because of shame. I think it worked. He smiled back. It makes me feel sick. It that upsets me already how far am I even able to go?

I miss him so much and I'm so worried. I've trained so hard today that I know I will be sore. I worked out until my muscles ached and went further until I had no strength anymore. I don't know for how long I sat in the shower. That was when I realized that I've been there for two and a half months. Two and a half. I need someone to hold me to give me strength. I don't know if I can make this. It's like i had managed to lie to myself, to believe that this is a weird dream, but I know it's not. I know it's real. And I know there is no line for them that they won't cross. I know that I will end up doing things I didn't ever imagine that they are possible, things I never even have thought of thinking of. I need Vincent. I need him so much more than just to survive. I need him to stay alive.  
I heard Peter ask for my that's when I managed to get up and ready to go back to my room.

So of course I had been thinking about visiting Vincent, but I'm so worn out that I cannot even pull myself up and that's… when it happened. The midnight round. The door was opened and it was checked on me and I expected the one whoever it was to leave and… he didn't. I instantly knew it was Peter who sneaked into my room.  
"How are you?" he asked me and I was shocked, scared.  
"What are you doing?" was the only thing I was able to bring out.  
"These cameras don't have night vision", Peter gave back.  
Yes, they don't have night vision. These cameras can't see when I'm going to visit Vincent. But Peter was still there and he had closed the door behind him.  
"What? You cannot get out!" I shouted whisperingly.  
"The scanner words form the outside and inside. You don't have one on your side in case you try to break it", he answered again, giving me so much information all of the sudden.  
It took him just a few steps to get to my bed and I was paralyzed. I had no idea what he was going to do, until he did it. He grabbed my face and kissed me, like WE've been waiting for this like forever. I was too stunned to even act.  
"I thought after what happened, you wouldn't … care for me anymore", he said, still holding my head and looking at me. "I'm sorry… I should have been more careful. But now I'm prepared, you see?" he smiled insecure and I don't know how I did it but I smiled back and nodded.  
And he kissed me again. I didn't know how else to act but allow it and reply to him, even as he pushed me slowly onto my back. I just tried to imagine that it was Vincent. Which was a huge mistake, such a huge mistake because I must have kissed him in a way that encouraged him way more than I had anticipated. His hands moved down my neck to m breasts and I pulled away, gasping for air. He didn't stop but brought his hands to the rim of my shirt. And my cursed body responded, because it needed it.  
"Stop", I gasped out, "please", and then it hit me I let those three days crash down on me. "I… I'm sorry… ", I started sobbing. It was so easy.  
"I'm sorry", he instantly backed off, stammeringly.  
I even made him flinch as I tensed because of him trying to comfort me.  
"I… I'm sorry", he repeated.  
"I…" I brought out and tried to find something to say.  
"You need time. I'm such an idiot, I'm sorry"; and he left.  
And then I had an idea. I never thought that I could think so mischievously.


	65. Day 76

How am I able to sleep? How? With all this happening? And this was exactly what gave me that amazing idea. Amazing, yet cruel. I never thought that I'd be calculating. The easiest part was being weak, because that's just that what they want me to be: a scared, crying, weak girl. So not keeping it together being a good thing can be quite … relaxing. I was a total mess this morning. After the work out from yesterday and Peter's intrusion I didn't even had to act. Sleep as something that came to me after the second check-up, though I faked it. However it wasn't him. But he brought me breakfast and he saw how awful I looked like, instantly switching into "pretending-to-care"-mode. Maybe he really does, maybe it's just fake, maybe he's secretly the boss here. Maybe I'm finally starting to become paranoid, not that this is a bad thing here, right? I know that the only one I can trust here is V… can't I? I mean, he's more than just a prisoner like me, he's a test subject. And I know he cares about be, I can feel that. Yes, I know, I want him to care. But White, I mean Sorenson, he couldn't have known that I was eavesdropping. And he said that he thinks that Vincent is more than just attached to me. He said that. This can't all be fake. And there's another reason why I know that's not fake, because otherwise it means this all would be about me. And it's never about me.  
However I asked him if it was possible for me to get something that I would be able to sleep. Something just for falling asleep, because I would be afraid that I wouldn't wake up easily. Peter said he would see what he can do. He doesn't know that I'm not intending to use it.  
"Do you want to skip training and try to sleep?" he asked me and he was so nice, I almost feeling bad for using him, still I can't believe that he really cares about me. Somehow I think that's what White wants him to do, so that I stop caring about Vincent that much. I don't really understand why he would want that? Not that Sorenson it that kind of man one does easily understand, or understand at all. Does he want me to be scared? It's the only thing I can really think of.  
And I skipped it. I'm still sore because of yesterday and now I'm trying to sleep again.

White, fucking White came to visit me when I was just about to fall asleep. Can you imagine that he seemed to be worried? He? The sadist dungeon keeper of mount doom? well he was and he brought me something that would help me sleep. It comes along in little bags that look like sugar - which can't be more perfect. Still I don't know what's happening right now! And he apologized for being so hard on me, told me that I would have to understand that he cannot tolerate my behavior towards him. I played the little ashamed girl he wants me to be. I can't look at him in the face anyhow or I'd try to scratch his eyes out. I hate him. I never hated anyone so much in my life. I think I never really knew what hate was like until I met this offense of a human. And I had to let him touch me. Because he had to comfort me and iI had to make him believe that it worked. Maybe I should become an actress when I get out of here because I seemed to achieve that. Sugarbags.  
Let's hope it's not just sugar. However he told me that I should take them late, that was why he brought me tea, so I could make myself some, though I have to take the water from the tab. I don't care that the tea won't taste, that stuff has to work. We'll see.

Of course they didn't take me to Vincent again, but I hadn't hoped for that, I was more interested into something else…


	66. Day 77

Day 77

I'm sitting at breakfast and I never felt that badass in my life before. I can't believe I managed to do that and I don't really dare to be happy about it either because I really don't know if they will catch me. I don't want to count my chickens before they've hatched. So I write this down know, because I don't want them to notice. I know they watch me somehow as long as the lights are on.

This all happened yesterday, but I was too nervous to write.

I really didn't expect that it would be so easy. I mean I tested White's "sugar" on myself last night and it worked. I really dozed off quickly and slept right through and I didn't even feel worn out, so I knew it would work. At least on me. I knew I wasn't going to see him, and maybe I won't today, but tonight. I am sure. but it's about yesterday now. Still can't believed that it worked, still afraid that they will come in and punish me. Even more now. I will have to restrain myself. I know I have to be reasonable. Constant dripping wears away the stone.

After breakfast Peter brought me to the gym again. I acted more shyly than the day before, but looked at him briefly. Apparently it worked and he thought that I was conflicted about him overreacting. So it was him, who asked me: "Do you want me to stay for dinner?"  
"Dinner?" I asked and he replied. "There's no one there later."  
It was cryptic but I figured that White, I mean Sorenson, wouldn't be there tonight. On one hand this was perfect on the other this meant: no Vincent. And I still am worried sick and that was what I showed.  
"I don't have to…" he quickly added.  
I let him leave like that, because … well because I would ask him later, when he would bring me my dinner if he would stay. Maybe even a little bit longer, just holding me. And I told him that I would make me some tea because it would help me sleep. Yes, exactly. I offered him some and he said yes and I mixed that sleeping powder into his tea.

I did that. I really, really did that. I know it was a risk, but I needed to try and I did. I never have done anything in my life without being absolutely sure about that I would be safe. I still can't believe I did it and that is maybe why they won't suspect me..

I knew the checkup times. I knew they would come at midnight and on three. I knew that the day before Peter had been my 12 am check-up so I guessed that he would be again. I freaking guessed! So of course I had to put my pj's on. They basically look the same to my daily wardrobe apart from the fact that they are thinner. I did that in my bathroom. Then I crawled under my sheets, he stayed n the chair and talked. I mean he had told me that he would wait for the lights to go out because they wouldn't see him get on my bed and put his arm around me. Which he did and he looked tired already before the lights died. And then I waited. I mean I talked a little, asking if it was okay if he stayed here and Peter assured me that no one would know. I honestly talked to him so that I would actually know when he was out. It didn't take that long until the lights were out and I waited a little longer, for his breathing to turn deep even after he had stopped talking.

And then… I did it. I got out of my bed and stole his card. Oh my heart was beating so loud that I thought to hear its echo. I left everything as it was and leaped towards the door to hold his hard against the point he had that night. And it worked. Still can't believe it. I knew the way to Vincent's cage and I knew which room I needed to get to for supplies. I was bare feet. I peeked out my door and it was past 11pm now because the lights in the corridor were dim now as well. Luckily my clothes almost had the same color as the wall, so I slid along side them. I knew where the cameras where and which area they faced. I basically crawled and rolled to get to that supply room. I don't know if they got me. time will tell.

I reached the room and I was so nervous as I held Peter's card against the scanner. Not knowing if there was a camera as well I didn't even look for the lights, but left the door open. My eyes were already used to the dark, but not enough to see much. I knew I wouldn't have much time. And I didn't know if I should go through the corridor again. Yet if I would go through the vent and they had seen me on my first try, they would know about the vent. So back through the corridor. Then I realized that I had to be prepared in case that they would catch me.  
I closed the door and switched on the lights. The first thing I went for was something like a bag, but there wasn't anything. I was in the wrong room for that. tools were here:nippers, screwdrivers. This basically was the janitor's paradise and mine. But why no bag? I couldn't go with that large worker's belt and then I found it: duct tape. Better than nothing. I used it to tape the nippers and the screwdriver around my body. along with one of two box cutters. If they would have found out that I stole something: it should be this, it would be the most logical. I wouldn't take any more. they shouldn't know. I taped almost the whole tape around my body, because i needed so safe it. And then I went back. just the same way.

I still can't believe that I did that. I still can't believe that I am sitting here having breakfast and everything is fine.

When I came back Peter was still asleep and the first thing I did was putting back his card, before I stuck the cutter into my mattress and ran for my bathroom, where I untaped me. With Peter in the other room I didn't dare to go for the vent. So I rolled up the tape and put it beneath my sink along with the screw driver, the nippers and the second cutter. And then I got back to bed as carefully as possible. I was freezing and first I had to warm up before I woke him. And my heart had to calm down, before I woke him. It wouldn't. So I did the only thing I could think of covering my excitement and waking him up: I faked a dream. I know, I know. Let's just say that I imagined being with my beast, really being with him and there were just a few things I didn't really fake. However as soon as Peter jumped up from his nap I'm sure he was instantly embarrassed and rushed out. At least the way the door closed let me believe that. I slept brilliantly.


	67. Day 78 - part 1

So this is day 78 now. I don't even have a clue what day it is. I can't recall. I don't know if they took me on a Friday or Saturday. I think it was at the weekend. I'm not really sure, so even if I try to count back, there's no way I can tell… and then… I mean, its been 3,5 months now and it means… my Birthday's soon. ########## [I don't know if she wrote anything here, it's smeared with tears I guess]

I never expected that thinking of my Birthday would upset me in such a way. I mean I usually hate it and I'm happy when no one thinks of it apart from my family. And now… they won't celebrate it, I won't get the chance to roll my eyes and secretly be happy about some of the presents, not all, there are always those that show people don't know me. Still.. dammit I'm tearing up again.

Training as usual. Ironically I didn't have to worry about Peter. He stayed away and tried to avoid talking to me. And I didn't look that well either, because I've been crying. Because… I thought I already had realized my situation. Apparently still not fully. And I keep wondering when his Birthday is, if he even knows, if he was been able to keep track on time. I doubt that.

Sorenson came to visit me at Lunch and ate with me. I instantly knew that something was up. And I just knew that I was caught.  
"So does the medicine I gave you help with sleeping?" he asked as if it wasn't anything special, but it struck me like a frozen dagger.  
I kept my eyes to the table and nodded. I had to think fast and I did.  
"But it gives my nightmares", I lied, peeking on him through the corners of my eyes, I bet high. "Please, Sir, it's completely my fault", I burst out, trying to be the scared little girl he wanted to see.  
I dropped fork and knife and grabbed his lower arm, doing my best to act like a kid begging for mercy because it had failed.  
"I thought if he'd stay for a bit and watch over me, I would feel better. I know I'm not allowed to have someone else in my room but you but I…."  
"Hush", he cut me off and I was stunned, I didn't have to pretend, because he placed one hand on mine and actually smiled gently at me.  
And then… he stroke my cheek. I flinched. There was nothing I could do about it, but it seemed to have been just the reaction he had expect.  
"I am pleased that you are honest with me, Catherine", he said softly. "It's him who should have known better. I understand that you are very scared at the moment, because I was that harsh to you."  
Finally he took his filthy hand away from me and I ripped mine off of him as well, being able to look down again.  
"Unfortunately I cannot be considerate of this right now", he continued and I got goosebumps, but because of me getting my hopes up. "You promised me that you were able to calm him", and these words made me stare at White in terror - he got it wrong.  
His words rung in my ear and I was scared, scared for Vincent. When he was talking about me calming V, what the hell had happened? Of course he thought I was scared of meeting the beast again. He didn't know that I wasn't afraid of him, because he was my beast.  
"I'm sorry, but you have to try", Sorensen grabbed my hand again and I tried not to look disgusted, but stare blankly. "You will."  
And I nodded.  
"Good girl", he got up.  
Good girl. Good girl. I'm no fucking dog you pervert scum. I couldn't finish my Lunch…. I'm going to see him, but I'm worried, so worried.  
What has happened that I need to calm him down? Or is he just playing with me.  
Why is White - I mean Sorenson - acting so different all of the sudden? Am I that good in acting? Or does he worry about his 22 as well? Is Vincent so important? I remember White telling me that V was more valuable than me or even him. So this is what this is about. Vincent is saving me in even more ways than I imagined. And yet W..Sorenson isn't afraid of me getting almost raped by his men.  
However: I'm going to see him tonight.


	68. Day 78 - part 2

I'm back now. I'm sitting at dinner, which is a little bit late I believe and on cannot really describe this as sitting since I just moved to my bed to lay in the side. I'm okay, just … sore and tired and… I should write when I'm finished.

On can tell that I was amongst nervous as Peter and Gray got me out of my room and escorted me down the corridor. I tried not to stare at the door that I had been through the night before and I remembered that I hadn't had any chance to secure the things I've stolen, like hiding them in the vent and not beneath the sink - I'll do that tonight.  
I expected to end up somewhere else. I really did. Like some sort of hospital room, a lab or something. But they brought me back to that cage, that still had that quadruple size of my room, but the gate was already opened.  
"He's at the end", it was Gray who told me that and I was worried sick, literally worried sick; yet something held me back from running.  
There was some kind of tension in the air, like it was electrified. I turned around but the door was about to be closed with Peter looking at me before he shut it. His expression scared me.  
As always the cage or cage or whatever wasn't really lit. Maybe it's White sick taste. I don't know. It's not really important.  
And then I understood, at I reached the other end which lay almost completely in darkness. There he was. I mean I heard him first. His growl, close to a snarl and chains clinging. They had chained his wrists and the it was pulled though an anchor in the wall behind him. As soon as he heard me approaching he leaped towards me, making his hands snap backwards, because he couldn't come closer otherwise. He was fully changed, showing his teeth, gnarling at me angrily. I'm sure he didn't recognize me Every vein in his body seemed swollen and he was covered with cuts and little slashes that had already healed. I felt like someone had clawed through my heart to let it bleed out. I think I gasped.  
He reacted to that, leaning into the chains even more, growling lowly. I had to look down, just to inhale in shock. The ground was stained, and though I barely could see the colors there: I know it was blood. That was when I was cut loose. I didn't think about the possibility that he would try to hurt my and I think his instinct was rather prepared for him to getting hurt AGAIN. Since his hands were pulled back and my reaction that different from what he expected he was confused and stunned as I enfolded his warped face in my hands. I didn't care about acting. I know I should have acted differently for White, but screw him.  
"What have they done to you?" I whispered though I hadn't thought of it, I just wasn't able to bring out a sound; there was a lump in my throat. "Vincent."  
I think me saying his name did something. Maybe he recognized me, but he didn't change back, not a bit, and his body didn't stop shivering from tension. I am sure he would have ripped anyone that stepped inside this room into little square pieces, without thinking. And I, yes, I was aware of that, but I could also see his pupils focusing on me. I brushed my thumbs across his cheeks and he stopped exposing his teeth.  
"Vincent", I whispered once more and his breathing seemed to become more steadily.  
And then I hugged him. I didn't know what else to do. I felt terrible, helpless, desperate and I only could imagine how he felt. No, I know exactly how he felt, because White had done the same to me, more or less. And he… Vincent pressed his face into my neck and I think he relaxed just a little, didn't fall into the chains fully. I didn't realize that he was moving backwards until I felt his hands at my waist and so I shoved him gently further back. Even now I don't believe that he was ever thinking of hurting me. And all he wanted was to wrap his arms around my and pull me towards him that tightly that he pushed the air out of my lungs.  
Still he was so upset, so tense, so on edge that I felt helpless. I didn't care that White - Sorenson - had asked me for it, I myself needed to calm him down, so that he could feel better. I stroke his hair and kissed his cheek but it wasn't enough.  
"I'm here", I whispered as we had reached the wall, continuing to stroke his hair. "I'm not going to leave you. I'm here."  
It didn't help. So leaned away from him to enfold his face again. he was too much beast to be ashamed of his appearance. I noticed that instantly and I didn't really know why despite this he acted like that. Now I think it's just that what Sorenson meant.  
He looked straight back at me, studying my face and I. I did the only thing I could think of to make him feel better. I know who he is, I don't care what he is. I know what he feels for me and that the absolute opposite what he feels for everyone else. I kissed him. I think I surprised him as much as I surprised myself. His reaction however was as human as it could be. his claws run up my back and pressed me against him as he was kissing me back. I literally could feel something switching inside him. a change of temperature. That hadn't been what I had been thinking of in that moment but I instantly caught fire. Even more as one of his hands moved down my spine to my tail bone pressing my lap against his while his mouth brushed across my cheek so that his tongue could trail down my neck to my collarbone. And just like that wanted him. I can't explain it. I don't want to.  
I know he sensed it and I know how to take it that I leaned my head back, because he moved his mouth to my exposed throat. What followed is nothing more than a blur.I felt his hands and arms on my skin and soon after that his lips, his tongue on my chest, as my hands were on his, counting the little scars and healed cuts while he was torturing me in the only sweet way we both knew. No matter how many pieces of clothing I lost, I didn't stop burning.  
How can I explain why and how arousing it felt to feel his claws, fingers and lips on my skin? And how horrible not to lay down and have him even closer? All thoughts vanished into nonexistence when he got down to pull off my pants and kissed me, melted me down that I almost lost balance, but he held me tightly, while I became dizzy. I was sure, that these moans weren't mine. But I know that there was no one else in there with us. I dug my hands into his hair and pulled it when I came. It seems so unreal thinking about it. There was no rest for me and as he stood there in front of me again he was still all fueled up.  
All I knew was that I didn't want him to fling me around to the wall, so it was me taking action. I really did. I kissed him and pushed him back, making sure that he did loose his pants and … I told him …  
I can still feel the chain in my back, I'm sure I'll get bruises there.  
He lifted me up and - oh God - how can memory fade? It's not fair. Maybe it's different when he has fully changed but I feel too awkward to think about that, just… it was sooooo intense. No room left. He pressed me agaist the wall and I felt the chain at my lower back, but it were my shoulders scratching against the concrete as he…. there is no other word.. he did exactly what I told him to. I think I already had come that moment he was fully inside me. i can't even tell if it ever stopped, like it went just on and on. All I now how it felt, and that I clung to his shoulders, his neck his head, depending on how he moved and where his tongue and mouth were. I felt so complete.  
After he came, he let me down, still pressing me against the wall, like he almost expected me to flee or get ripped off of him. His skin was burning against mine and I looked up into his golden eyes, watching him shift back slowly, but not fully. I didn't care, I knew I just smiled at him and Vincent started to kiss me.I don't know if I even had the chance to stop burning. My hands pulled him close. This is how you forget this place. With him there's just us, the beast and me. Vincent and me. Nothing else.


	69. Day 78 - part 3

Again I enfolded his face in my hands, just to make sure that he kept on kissing me. When it comes to him I feel like no boy before knew what he was doing, or maybe it's just me. He wasn't entirely calmed down and I wonder if he ever really is. Not just around me. I don't know for how long he kissed me and it was just when I wondered why or if they would separate us - and it took me quite a while to assemble the words in my head because he continued to kiss my neck, collarbone, best and breasts getting right back to the point where we had started - when suddenly out of nowhere tensed up again. His head flung around and I realized that the speaker had been switched on. He growled and I squealed lowly ad his claws dug into my skin. They left us alone because they almost had ruined my "work".  
In his eyes I could see anger and it stung me in both ways. Vincent continued to kiss me, planting fires on my skin and gently turned me around. My legs were still shaking and I was already sore, I could feel it as he entered me again, My body still remembered and yet it instantly ached. I pressed my hands against the wall, buffering. He was slower this time. Oh I love it so much having his cheek against him, hearing him next to my ear.  
I never thought I would want someone that much that I could never ever have enough of him. And not even like that. I could do this forever and I don't care how he looks like.  
He placed his clawed hands above mine, his fingers into the spaces between mine. I couldn't bear it. I don't know how I did, I still can't. All I could think was "don't stop, please, don't stop", I think I said it as well. I lost count on how many times he brought me over the edge. I think his voice alone is able to do that to me, when it's making these sounds, or panting my name.  
Vincent still held me there, against the wall, even though he wrapped his arms around my chest and stomach, thoughtlessly stroking my scars, his marks on me and I caressed his forearms. Though I hadn't seen him change I knew that he was entirely back to human right then as his mouth rested on my shoulder and my cheek against his.  
"I'm not leaving without you", I whispered as lowly as possible, more breathing out forming words with my mouth, so that no one but him would hear.  
His muscles flexed briefly and I knew that he had understood.  
This time I could hear the speaker and he straightened up instantly, turned me around and caught my face with his hands. How I love his face, when he looks at me like that, like never ever wanting to let go of me. He kissed me. Even if I had wanted to refuse there was no chance evading. Vincent pulled me close towards him as if he wanted to memorize how my body felt against his.  
"Catherine", I heard White's voice through the speaker and Vincent dropped his hands.  
Quickly I gathered my clothes and I knew looking back at him would ruin my chances to tell White that I had just brought out his order.  
"Don't doubt me", I breathed, and I still hope that he heard and understood it.  
Pressing my clothes against me I ran towards the door that was opened. I heard how White hissed at Peter and Gray to get out and as I got into the little room there was only White and I tore my eyes open to act how he wanted me to.  
"Oh you did so good", he smiled at me and I swallowed down the acid, because I stood there, NAKED and he was frolicking.  
"Dress up and know, they will take you", he turned around but I know he peeked, yet I knew never to disobey him. Not yet at least.


	70. Day 79 part 1

I slept through. I wanted to stay awake or get up earlier to see him, but I was just too worn out. At least I managed to move my tools into the vent, even though I have to keep the nippers elsewhere and I might need a second, however: loosening these screws is much easier now but the material is crap. You can actually see that I worked on them If I'm not careful enough. So what are my chances? my choices? Can I endure this place long enough to gain Sorenson's trust? Or someone else's? I brought Peter into trouble once, he will be more careful now. I'm afraid that I don't have much to offer that he'll risk getting into more trouble, because I know what he wants. I cannot walk through the corridors here, I have to take the vents, but I have to find a way to make it easier for me to access. So tonight I will take the big risk and I'll break into the janitor room. Which means I will work out as hell today that I'll get tired after lunch and get some sleep and then tonight... why is the night so short? I wish I could visit him, but right now getting prepared is more important.  
I'll go back to Thai Chi now. I never imagined how much writing helps me to focus.

Everything worked out as planned, until after Lunch. Yes, I did get some sleep, just to ripped out of it by Peter and Gray. I woke up during walking down the corridor. I think I would have been scared as hell if I had been fully conscious and probably expected that they had found out about be using Peter's access card for breaking into the storage room. Surely they have records. Well that at least was the thought when they brought me into that small chamber that I barely recognized because White stood in front of me all grinning smugly. Whit just a gesture he told the others to leave and I tried my best to find back into the role he wanted me to play.  
"You were sleeping? I apologize", he said in a manner that I had problems to swallow down my rage and spiteful remarks; so I kept silent and glared at the floor through my eyelashes.  
"Also I'm sorry to say that we need your ... services", he continued and I swear I almost burned the ground with my stare hearing this, but he took my breath away: "... no assistance. That is rather the proper definition, is it?" I couldn't help but look at him in puzzlement.  
"You were right, you have an influence on him that no one else has. I am sure this is because of your unique ... situation", Sorenson continued.  
I cannot put into words how much I despise the way he gestures while he talks in this know-it-all-tone. This combined with the look he gives to me. I'm not imagining this. There is something about it. I know what it means but I refuse to believe. Simply because if this glance really means that he somehow in his sick and twisted mind of his is attacked to me I would have an outstanding opportunity. Maybe this would even the quickest way. I ... I want to puke out my stomach just thinking of...  
Later, I will try to get used to that thought later.  
Did I ever see him two days in a row? Can't tell. It doesn't matter. Sorenson told me nothing more, but he opened the door for me and closed it after I stepped through. In the same moment the gate opened. From the little he had said I expect to find Vincent just as the day before: completely chanced, covered in cuts and bruises like they had used him as a fighting dog in some sick gladiator cage fight. And that was exactly what I saw, even worse. It was like they didn't even dare to patch him together. I literally saw wrath glowing around him. Instinctively I looked up to the window.  
"We cannot help him unless he's calmed down", White's voice sounded distorted through the speaker but that wasn't that stuck me like a lighting and made my jump painfully: it was the way Vincent reacted to it.  
Chains rang as he threw himself into them, tautening them that I feared that he either tear them apart or dislocate his shoulders. His snarl went directly into my bones resonating in them. He scared me. But this was him.  
"What did they do to you?" my own voice was merely a whisper almost breaking and I still don't know.  
He stopped growling and looked at me, still tensed in a way that I just waited for his muscles to snap. I don't remember that or how I moved, just that I ended up holding his face in my hands, stroking his blood spattered face. He was covered with it, little spatters, not drowned in them, but it was enough for me to know that he had slashed something. My touch calmed him down already and I took off my shirt, with no other intention than to clean his face while he watched me, looked at me like I was some sort of saint. Whatever they did to him, it makes it more difficult for him to calm down, to change back. And it seems like I am the only one that helps him. I am sure now that this was the reason why I didn't get to see him after my few days in prison.  
After I managed to clean his face a little, and pushed him backwards so the tension on his shoulders would lessen, I continued with his chest and he flinched as I uncovered an injury. It looked hurtful, but what shocked me most was how it looked like: claws. I tried so hard to focus on calming him down with being calm myself, but it was impossible because of him looking like that at me. Warped face or not. The reason why my heart raced changed with each of my strokes and he made me stop as he hesitantly places his forehead against my temple.  
"Vincent", I heard myself whisper and he replied with something that was a purr. Strange that this sound makes me smile, even when I think of it.  
Put me back 80 days and I would think me insane.  
I cleaned his clawed hands and for the first time he didn't look at my face but at what I was doing, until I was finished. Honestly a part of me wanted to see that he already was changing back. He didn't. What I saw was even better. The way he looked at me hadn't changed and I knew that for him I wasn't just a nice company to have, someone to serve his needs. We both heard the crack in the speaker, yet it was me who moved, who grabbed his hands, placing them on my rear and kissed him, as far as this was possible.


	71. Day 79 - part 2

Honestly, I cannot help it, I've no idea how to explain it. I never imagined that I would ever be like this, ever want something like this or someone. Every time it feels like I am being replaced. By a stronger, fiercer, more confident version of myself. And this version gains more and more strength, becomes more and more superior to the girl I once was.  
I never imagined that i would be the one pressing him against the wall, making out with him, let my tongue bring out my curiosity. Or that I would like feeling his claws piercing my skin. His low growl gives me goosebumps when it sounds like that, like he is claiming me. I guess he likes it when I pull his hair just a bit, digging my fingers into it. I don't know why I was like that. it could be do a certain time of the circle. I don't know, I just… No one would ever believe me writing this, that I grind myself against him, trailing down my tongue on his neck. That I was doing this and not he. It's not like I never needed him so much before. Something just snapped. You have no idea how I love these sounds he makes. Just for me. I guess that is why I did what I did. And I never did that before. Trailing down my tongue and mouth, just like he had done some times before today, until I was on my knees…..There might be some new claw marks in the wall… because of what I did. I'm surprised and somewhat proud of myself. He wasn't able to compose himself for long while I was doing that, but the fact that he tried and that he definitely loved it… it makes me grin like a Cheshire cat. I am almost too embarrassed however - writing this down. Just like thinking and saying that it really was worth it. As crazy as it sounds, when he pulled me up, and pushed me against the wall that fast I barely could bring my hands up so I wouldn't get my head smacked against it, I knew he wouldn't be able to hold himself back. It felt insane. It might have been exactly like the first time, but I can't compare it. Because this was my doing and I knew the consequences. Hell, I wanted them. Yes, it did hurt in the beginning, but because of that it turned even more indescribable. Just like that moment of relief after a scratch per thousand. And I gasped out "yes, yes, yes" over and over again, so that he knew I wanted it. I don't know if he ever was so deep inside of me. It didn't take long for us both to come, not when doing it mindlessly like that.  
I actually have to admit that I love him most when he's just in between, or rather in the first quarter of change, when his eyes glow like that. Yes, he almost was back to normal when I was able to bring my legs to moving me around. And, yes, I love it when he looks at me like that in this mixture of wanting me and adoring me, silently asking if I am real. Even more when I make him smile. How can I ever resist him when he smiles at me like that? And I never want to stop kissing him, not that I had the chance to avoid that. I was completely innocent. But I guess he wanted to return the favor of being pressed against that wall, getting the air kissed out of the lungs. He was less careful, like he trusted himself as well as me to tell him when he hurt me. And he returned the favor completely. I still can feel him, taste him, smell him.  
At least White had the courtesy to wait until I had caught my breath again. And I ask myself why do we have to be separated?  
Oh yes, I forgot. I should be afraid of him.  
So when White told me to leave I brought my clothes back in order and left without turning back - no need to say that I hate it, right?  
I put my role back on when I stepped in front of him, when he was welcoming me back into the real world. I'm sure he still underestimates me because he honestly answered that he would think about my proposal to become Vincent's nurse. At least he looked like he was approving me trying to be even more of assistance. I hope he gives me a chance, but somehow I feel like I have to encourage him more and I am still afraid of what that might be. I mean if he needs to spank me again…. I guess I could live with that. But I can't … I doubt that he would want that. After all I'm his subject's entertainment. For him Vincent is more animal than human, which makes me filth.


	72. Day 80

Something has changed. I don't know what or why, but I can feel it. Like you know that a window isn't entirely shut. Maybe it's me. I can't tell, maybe something else. It's not making me uncomfortable, quite the contrary I must say and just that fact makes me wonder if I should feel uncomfortable about it.  
The day started of as every other day. And it's just the 80th, that's nothing unusual. It's not day 90, that would be a mark, right? that would be three months. but now… First Yoga and Thai Chi until breakfast comes. I wake before the lights when I get to bed early, which I do when I have spend the afternoon with him. That workout get longer then but it helps against the ache.  
i don't know what I have expected. For White to come and agree to my proposal. Why would he even? I mean it's reasonable and there are many fact that speak for it. Of course if he doubts me, he could think that I might want to take advantage of getting close to needles and drugs - which wouldn't be wrong of him to think, because apart from me getting more time with Vincent it was exactly what I was aiming for.  
So of course it's not a surprise that he doesn't show up and I guess that's because it was my suggestion, not his. I guess I have to wait until I can make him believe that it was his idea.  
Peter doesn't speak to me again. God know why. I try to act shy and concerns but it already wears on me. How can people fake all the time? Isn't it tiring them? I wish I'd have other things to do in my room, but it's either reading or working out. I bet I've lost weight, I definitely gained strength. Maybe that's what I'm sensing.

It's afternoon. I don't know why I expected that they would come and pick me up again. It annoys me that I did it. That I hoped. In this God forsaken place. I need to calm down. I already tried. Sit-ups, push-ups, Thai Chi in increased speed. I bet if I had a mirror to look at myself doing this I would think that there's something else I watch. I bed it looks pretty bad-ass.  
-

Just, when I was about to knock at that door to ask Peter if I could do to the gym again when he opened it before my knuckled hit the metal.  
"I've got something for you", he said and handed me over a pile of books, but I was too puzzled to look at them: "For me?" I blinked at him. "Thank you!"  
"Not from me", he responded monotonously and left.  
I have to admit that I feel bad. I mean I should feel bad right? But it's different. And I don't like that it's different. It worries me.  
However again I would have loved a mirror in my room because of the face I definitely made the moment I looked at that new books of mine. Med books. I mean that's not an agreement, but it's something. Maybe he just wants to keep me occupied. But I don't care. One of them is on anatomy and it might be very helpful. Again… I don't know if that's a good thing.


	73. Day 805

I started to read the books and I know, I just know that White won't agree to my proposal and just wants me to believe he does. He would give away too much of his control over the two of us. But I actually am fine with it, because these books are very helpful and distracting. However I keep continuing m training. I want to improve my Thai Chi, because it is still martial arts and will come handy. And I wanted to become tired quickly.  
You know it actually helps telling yourself over and over again that you need to wake up after 5 hours of sleep. It works.  
I've just returned from the gym - it's day 81 just fyi, but last night is still day 80 and I need to keep this in order. I'm tired, but I don't know if I mix things up.  
I went up again. I'm really getting faster at all of this and yes, I took my tools with me just in case. But the case didn't happen. there's no way opening Vincent's vent from the inside and the slots are too small for my to push something through. Certainly so that he can't grip it. It's not important anyway. i don't want to risk anything. First I have to find a way out before I free him from there.  
But I went to visit him. All the way I was worried if he'd even be there, if he still was injured. When I say him lying there he already had healed a lot and of course it's because of what he is. I mean I asked him even though it was obvious, but what do you talk about when you've met under such circumstances we did?  
Vincent woke just a breath take after I reached the grate and blinked. He can look so cute, just like the complete opposite he can be, he was when I first met him. Instantly he looked up at me, his eyes flashing yellow for a moment. It makes my heart jump. In a good way. Quickly he looked at the door and I guess this was just a reflex and he hesitated, obviously not sure if he should get up or not.  
"Hi", I smiled at him and he sat up, looking at me with the corners of his mouth slowly lifting and I knew he could hear how my pulse speed up.  
I never thought that he would flee my glance by dropping his to the ground shyly. Can you imagine that he's like that? No one would expect him. Even I didn't. But as matter of fact he's more insecure than me and somehow I understand that.  
"How are you?" I asked lowly and he looked at me again, still a tiny smile on his lips and it made me ache to touch him, to hug him, caress his face.  
"Better", he answered huskily and my body remembered how much it loved his voice. "Did Sorenson say something about your suggestion?" he wondered and tilted his head just a bit, leaving me in surprise: "You heard that?"  
"Yeah", he chuckled almost inaudibly. "Comes along with the claws and such."  
. .humor.  
"He send me some medical books, but I doubt that he will agree", I gave back and made myself comfortable in the vent.  
"Well at least you've got some", Vincent answered and I felt sorry, but even more bad. Yes, I have every right to whine about my situation, how I am being treated. But I have a room, a shower, a decent bed, books, pictures on the wall. And what does he have? A mattress, a basin, a toilet a locker and that's it. Everything gray in gray. His room is just a bit bigger than my bathroom. And I don't want to begin imagining what he goes through every day.  
"I could … read to you", I suggested and that smile he gave me was so sad that my heart wanted to implode in my chest.  
"You shouldn't come here that often."  
"I know"; I replied. "I just hate not to see you every day." that just tumbled out of my mouth before I realized it and I wish, I wish I could describe the way he looked at me after hearing that. Like it was too good to be true, like he couldn't believe I had the guts to lie like that, that he was sure he just imagined it, like he wanted to tear off that vent and kiss the life out of me. Vincent kept completely immobile, like a statue. Yet I swear I could feel his tension electrifying the air and his eyes changed color.  
"I mean it", I breathed out.  
"I know", he answered, staring at the ground, and I knew that he could hear it by the way I breathed and the way my heart was racing.  
"I know it's crazy because we don't even know each other", I started but choked at he glanced up at me again with his beautiful golden eyes.  
"Me too", he gave back. "I hate it not seeing you too. I hate it that Peter gets to see you every day. I hate it that he's the one telling me how tired you look or how sad, or how worn out, or worried. I hate him telling me that you touched him accidentally. I hate him eating with you, talking to you… I"  
With every word he seemed just to get more and more mad and it … it didn't scare me I was just afraid what it would mean to him.  
"Vincent", I cut him off. "Vincent I told you to trust me, remember? Please look at me." And he did. He was changing, but I didn't need to see him to know that.  
"He tells you all this to make you angry", I told him and his chest was heaving dramatically, whiche he clenched his hands. "He's jealous of you. Don't let him get into your head."  
"Why should he be?" he asked, his voice sounding distorted.  
"Because you have me and he doesn't."  
I know that this wasn't the best idea, to tell him that, in his state, but it was the truth.  
"I could live without that if I have you around every day", he answered after and eternity of silence.  
"I couldn't", again my mouth was faster than me.  
But it was worth it, because I could see him blush in embarrassment despite the dim light, just like I did. Good to know that he gets me right.  
"I mean I…" I still stammered quickly. "I wish that this was different too, I just…"  
"I'm sorry I got you here", he cut me off pressing his eyes shut and dropping his head. "I'm so sorry", his voice trailed off.  
"No, no don't be", I pressed my hands against the grate without realizing it first. "You didn't know that they would take me. it's not your fault that I am here. Vincent, please. Please look at me."  
And he did, tears twinkling in his eyes.  
"It's not your fault", I repeated.  
"It is, because I chose this", he answered.  
And then he told me how he got here. That his brothers had been killed in the towers, that he had enlisted and got the opportunity to become a part of a special forces group and that something went wrong in Afghanistan with him and the other soldiers ending up here. Still I don't think that it's his fault and I told him. They had been lying to him, yet he insisted that he should have asked questions.  
"How can you expect someone to be reasonable after losing his brothers?" I asked him and all he could answer to that was look at me, broken as he was, hopeless and devastated.  
How I wish that I would have been able to touch him,  
"I'm here with you know", I told him. "And I want to be here with you. I don't care how we got here. But we will get out of here. Together."  
The most perfect thing was that he didn't doubt my words, that he didn't say it was impossible. Vincent kept silent, because he wanted my words to be true.


	74. Day 81

I just had to calculate. My period is due in about 10 days. I don't know why I worry about this. It's the first time I actually think about this at all, that there might be a chance. Maybe I try to explain why I feel so different. But maybe it's something else entirely. Originally I wanted to start this entry completely different and now I catch myself thinking about getting pregnant.

Normally it should be the other way around. Normally you get to know each other first before you … have sex. Especially the way we have. But then again: what is normal? Even if we weren't in a situation like this - probably we would have never met, or he wouldn't have been aware of me…. the point is even in the real world, the outside world people meet like that. Have sex and then … fall in love. Yes I know it's stupid to say. And probably I feel what I feel because of this situation I'm in, but… it's not that I need … it's not that I need him for sex … I need him, all of him. I need to talk to him. I need to hear his voice. The slight differences, variances when he speaks, expressing his emotions. That faint roughness in his voice. I need to hear it. I need him to look at me, because it feels like he sees me, really sees me. Who I am. Who I really am. It's so hard to explain.  
I know he doesn't want me to come to him tonight when we don't get to see each other today, because it's too dangerous for me and I can't ruin my sleeping schedule. I can't risk it all because of me being egoistic. I have to focus on gaining White's trust. But I'll try to stay away from Peter, because he makes Vincent furious. I wish I could say something about that yet I', not supposed to know.  
It's almost afternoon now and I keep wondering if I see him today or not.


	75. Day 82 - part one

I really wonder if they read this or if White does, because when they took me yesterday I got a full examination. I spend there for hours with different doctors. First - stupid as I was - I thought that they would maybe teach me something, because of my suggestion. I cannot believe that I actually am that naive still.  
I don't want to go into any details. I don't really want to remember it, or put it down. I feel so sick, so dirty. No matter how hard i scrub my skin… I know I'm clean and I feel clean, but only on the outside. Who is that girl in the mirror? She looks like me but she is so different. On the inside. Everything about me is on the inside. For them. For him, White, Doctor Sorenson, the big boss. He was there.  
It's not an interrogation room. It's a clinical room. It's everything there. Everything that they need to make checks on me and on my insides.  
How do I put this into words? It's so different when someone forces that, like this guy in my cell. The one who maybe was ordered to do that. So different when you actually have to stay calm and silent and just get it over with.  
I don't care about needles, about blood and urine samples, about going on the treadmill. But that's again something just outside of me. X-Ray, fine. Ultrasonic sound, sure. Again just something on the outside. I can scrub that off.  
You know how it works when you go to the gynecologist. I doubt that he is one, yet he was still there and I can't erase it, even though I closed my eyes. I wish I was good at acting.  
I knew it. They all just want to get inside of me.  
I showered so long. That long until the lights went out. I still don't feel clean. Inside. And for the first time I hope that they don't take me to Vincent. I just can't. I barely keep it together. With him around I probably would break.  
White would never…. I think I thought that. I doubt it now. But in the end I'm just a subject, barely human in his eyes, less worth than what he has created. I'm Vincent's reward. And he and I have had se that much that I have to be filthy and unclean for White and I hope, I pray and I beg that examining me was enough for him.. I hope that this won't happen again soon. it was 81 days. That's not three months. was he too early? was he too late? I think they examined me when I was put out after three weeks. So I have to go through this every two months?  
I bet if I was pregnant, which I am seemingly not, the examinations would be different. I know that they want me to. I know that sooner or later I have to. Or they would replace me. Then again maybe I'm too important. But do I really have to be that important for White? I think if I continue to try to gain his affection it will become worse. I don't want it to become worse.

I can't concentrate on anything. Not even eating or working out. I force-fed myself breakfast, forgot my yoga. I think I tried to keep as much space between Peter, Gray and me as possible. And of course they noticed, but there was no way that I could fake shyness.  
And Peter… I don't know what to feel about him. Yes, I encouraged his behavior but again he's just so unpredictable. I guess he has a huge crush on me and he cares, he really cares. i think I could tell him about how I feel, but then again, he probably just would use it against Vincent.

Vincent…. he told me not to visit every night and I really hope that he just thought I would stay true to that. I don't want him to worry. I don't want Peter to talk to him about it. i can only imagine what Vincent's going though and I don't want to wonder about how often.  
Why can't we just share a room? wouldn't it make more sense? Do we have to earn that? Or why do White has to keep us separate. I mean he wants me to get pregnant. Isn't the best way to lock us in together? Or doesn't he trust Vincent? or me? Is he that uncontrollable?  
He could still punish Vincent with taking me away from him. Why does he separate us?


	76. Day 82 - part 2

White came to visit me. Doctor Sorenson. I really try to keep up the facade but it's wearing me down especially if I don't know which reaction to expect. He's freaking me out and honestly I would love to simply kill him. Me. Thinking of actually killing someone. That sounds so wrong no one ever would believe it. I am the nice girl, the silent one, that doesn't even step on a spider. had no idea what he wanted from me, and I got so tense that he could see my knuckles. My movements were robotic as he told me to sit down. White ignored it.  
"You have made some progress with 22, I have to admit that", he told me. "I am very proud of you." I think I thanked him for that.  
As he placed his hands on my enfolded one with which I tried to keep myself together. I flinched. I flinched so hard that for a second I feared that my own muscles would break my bones. He noticed, but didn't say a thing.  
"You have promised to be a nice girl and - apart from me being forced to remind you one time - you have been true to this, and now your suggestion kept me thinking. You know that I cannot trust you that easiy. You must understand that. Apart from that there is enough staff around here. But there is a special task that is yours if you are willing."My mind, my reason, wanted to hesitate, but I could hear my on voice telling him "Anything", almost in excitement. And with that it was too late to take it back.  
He patted the back of my hand.  
"So much enthusiasm", he said. "Just to please me?"  
I barely kept it together, yet enough to lower my eyelashes and look down, faking to blush.  
"This can only happen if you can manage to be around him 24-7 with out be being worried about your wellbeing."  
My ears rang.  
"You will have to meet him no matter which state he is in", he continued and I kept staring onto my table. "When we are sure that he won't hurt you no matter what. You will have to stay with him."  
My heart beat that fast and wildly that I was sure that even White with his usual human hearing was able to hear it.  
I'm not sure if I said anything or reacted in tom e way and I still don't know what to think of this. Because now, after lunch, I'm worried. White sincerely sounded like he wasn't sure if Vincent was really able to compose himself 24-7. Yet I still believe that those times he hurt me, that this hadn't been him. The second time definitely was an order and the first time…. was the first time, right?  
"Catherine", White said my name and I don't know where to start explaining how much I hate it hearing him speak it out. "If I believe that it is possible for you staying with him, you will have one task that is the most important of it all."  
I already knew it, so I didn't prepare myself for what he said. I prepared myself to react how he would expect it from me.  
"You will make sure that he will do everything for you", White said and it wasn't what I had expected. I know that he wants me to become pregnant, to receive a cross-species child. And here he was, telling me that I would have to do anything so that Vincent would be fixated on me.  
I must have stared blankly.  
"You understand what I mean?"  
Instinctively I looked at him and it dawned to me. Sorenson only wrapped it into nice paper. He actually did tell me that I would have to have sex with Vincent as often as possible without really telling me. I nodded.


	77. Day 82 part 3

I waited and waited and waited, but no one picked me up after lunch. And I start to wonder if I got him wrong. Do I really expect that they take me to him directly? I'm sure that White will do some more test to make sure that I am safe during the night, or rather the time that I will spend with him. If he only knew that I already spend hours with him once and nothing happened. Or was he just fooling me? Trying to get my hopes up? To see my reaction? I wonder what will happen. If something is going to happen. I am sure that Sorenson has already made something up in his vicious and perverted mind. I'm lying in bed now and somehow I know I shouldn't visit Vincent tonight. Yet I want to, soooo badly. Not for… no not after that, but … he's the only one I feel save with, as crazy as it sounds. He's the only one I trust. He might turn into a lethal creature but … yes, i know I can't say that he never hurt me, but that was another time - even if it was less than months. He recognizes me. Those times he was in chains, filled up with rage. He still knew it was me. So what's the point?

My body knows what it wants, apparently. It's almost midnight, close to the first check up on me and I'm awake. I must have slept 1,5 hrs. But I guess I really need to see him so badly. I wonder if Peter will check on my. I'd better fake that I am sleeping. I can't talk to him right now, even though I know he wants to. It would give me another opportunity. But I don't want to. I think I can hear him, hear his steps. Are there more than one? I should…

He's here. He's actually here. What… I don't know how long he'll stay here with me but right now he is using MY shower. I told him he could take as long as he wants to. He's here. He's really here.  
I couldn't believe what I saw as the door opened. I first thought it was Peter, well actually it was Peter but he wasn't alone and it wasn't him, uncertainly speaking my name. And I didn't believe it, yet I answered. "Yes?" and the light were switched on.  
"You've got a visitor", was all Peter said as grumpy as possible and the door was shut behind him, Vincent.  
And there he was, standing in my room like a 14year old on his first date. I never thought that his man could be terrified by a room. Okay it's all white in white apart form my books and the paintings. I blinked and I blinked heavily because I , hell I still don't believe it!

Yes, i know that there is a camera but I really couldn't think about it as he still was standing there after I pinched myself under the blanket. So I got up while he hadn't moved an inch. I guess my heart was beating a waltz, I don't know. I think nothing that I did was done out of reason. I just got over there, enfolded his face in my hands and kissed him and he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer like he couldn't believe this himself. I just rested my head against his collarbone. I mean that was all I wanted and he didn't nothing but simply hold me.  
"You've got a nice room", Vincent murmured into my hair and his voice summoned goose bumps onto my skin.  
I just hummed in agreement and inhaled deeply.  
"Let's give you a tour", I joked and took his hand; instantly he interlaced his fingers with mine and I know, I felt that I blushed. So I showed him m table, my board, my bed and my bath room.  
And that's how it ended. I never ever experienced someone asking so shyly if he could take a shower. And I have to admit, apart from everything, I really do want to join him.


	78. Day 83

Vincent's gone. They didn't let him stay for Breakfast but it's a first step, I guess. Still it feels like being kicked into the stomach and I couldn't think about eating. I never thought it would hit me that hard.  
It's afternoon and I'm laying on my bed. I'm not expecting that they will take me, that I'm going to see him soon. All I'm doing right now is swallowing down the tears that try to etch their way out of my eyes.  
I had to go to the gym and I helped a little to distract me, well only when I worked out that hart that I almost hurt myself. Beneath the shower it was easy to hide the tears, because they don't see me there. But here, on my bed, I know they watch me. So I faked reading. I tried some Thai Chi, but it didn't give me rest. HOW actually. Eventually I gave up and crashed down onto my bed because it still smells of him. Those sheets. They make be believe, when I close my eyes that he is still here. With me. They make me remember. And it makes me smile. So I keep them shut, staying like this. Savoring this fragile memory. Trying to catch and hold it like a Cat a butterfly, knowing that sooner or later it will die. So I write it down now, so I can read it.

I actually did it. I went to the shower. Who can blame me? Nothing looks more stunning like when waters is running down his skin. I have to admit that I did turn around to leave again but he already noticed me, rubbing the water out of his eyes, when I turned away. Yet I could feel Vincent's eyes on my back and I just froze. I mean I didn't see much because of the glass, I just… God knows what I've been thinking. I don't really know if he said something or not, or what it was that made me turn around again. The next thing I know was that I felt the water rain down on my body while I kissed him and his hands on my lower back.  
I really don't know why everything is completely different when I'm with him. Why everything seems so normal. Why everything is outside our six-feet-quare-bubble is simply gone. Why I keep forgetting this second side of him, that was given a form. Not that it would scare me. Not that I would care. I love both sides of him equally, because to me there are no sides really.  
Actually it's insanely arousing to feel his fingers move up my back, pressing my chest against his, while they trail up these tiny scars his claws created not so long ago. It made him shiver, but I kissed these thoughts away. They have no room between us. And I think, secretly, silently, that I am the beast when it comes to the two of us. As crazy as it sounds: I can't have enough of him. And Vincent knows. I doubt he can comprehend it. Every time we caught our breath he just marveled down at me, trying to understand how I was able to feel like this for him.  
To be honest I think he hates himself enough for the both of us and he needs me to balance out his detestation for himself. He has no idea how easy it is for me to … love him.  
Believe it or not, we didn't have sex in the shower. I don't know why, really. It just didn't happen. We just had fun with the foam and scrubbed out back like … a normal couple I guess.  
I got my clothes and went over to my bed to switch on my little lamp on my night table, after I had dries off myself. And … well I didn't have the time to put them on. It's just insane how different the same situation can be. Like him suddenly standing behind me, wrapping his right arm around my stomach, instantly giving me goose bumps. The fingers of his left hand touched my neck so slightly that they could have been wind; I leaned towards them and I guess that was just what he had thought about, because the next moment I felt his lips on the other side of my neck. How can such a tangency hit a body like lightning. I could feel it everywhere. Everywhere. I wanted to jump around and grab him, pull him along with my onto my bed and make him do me, but I was completely paralyzed. Even more as I felt his tongue on my skin. I never knew that I could feel that. I never want to forget this sensation. Or how it almost made me cry when he pulled me that tightly towards him that I could sense his despair freezing the air around us.


	79. Day 83 - part two

His scent on my sheets is intoxicating and I am actually scared, afraid of the moment that I return to my room and them to be exchanged. Somehow I have to ask myself if I'm not White's test subject and he is trying to find out how far he can push me until I break. I remember that I doubted he would even care about me but now, after 83 days I wonder… I really have to wonder if it's not about me as well. Maybe he's curious what I am willing to do… for Vincent. I can't allow myself to think that I won't see Vincent for days again. And I'm silly. It's abut him. White wants to break him, but I won't let him.

I know now where the phrase love is pain comes from. It can take your breath away, it chokes you, it tightens itself around your chest, it burns you up, but you don't want it to stop, yet you know it will. I knew it would end and I think that was the worst. And I could understand his despair so perfectly, as clearly as is it was my own, because it was ours.  
My hands tried to embrace what I got of him as I tried to press myself into his arms, against his chest. If I just could melt to one with him White couldn't tear us apart. I swear this is his greatest joy. So much for faking fear. It's just impossible to hold anything back when Vincent is with me.  
So I turned my head towards his and his lips found mine, just like my fingers his face. Again just like beneath the shower. Despite that I want him more than my lungs the air it's enough for me to just kiss him, to taste him, inhale him.

I don't know what has happened to me, that I feel like that. Already I miss him that much that it gets difficult to breathe. Was this what all of this was about? To make it even worse? White is starting to give straws to us. Little lights of hope that turn into will-o'-wisps.

Now looking back it is amazing that Vincent hadn't changed and I think it must have cost him quite a lot to compose himself. He just can't imagine that I'm not afraid of it, and yet… kissing him like that, these soft lips stroking across his face and him sounding so human. By the way he breathed I knew, how his muscles tensed and flexed. It was like he literally imprisoned a beast and I am embarrassed to say that it turned me on. But I knew somehow that he wanted it to be "normal" this time, so I didn't tease him; I tried to help him, restrained myself, stroking him calmly.  
It was strange to actually lie on a bed, feel softness beneath my back. So different. Everything was so different this time. And yet not. He was holding himself back like he was afraid to start because he might not be able to stop himself from changing. So I tried to be patient, me patient. Before getting here I could have counted the times I had sex on one hand. I pressed my eyes shut and held my breath for to not make any sounds as his mouth trailed down my chest and my stomach. Tears gathered in them as he so softly kissed my scars. I couldn't allow him to drown himself in guilt about this. So I puled him up, framing his beautiful face in my hands and kissed him.  
My hands moved on their own, down his long neck to his shoulders, down and down to press himself against me. Before I knew what I was doing he pulled away and I opened my eyes. His were glowing golden and his heart hammered against my chest. I didn't say anything, just brought one of my hands up again to his cheek, stroking it before I gently made him kiss me again. In this moment something changed. Nothing I could put my finger on, but it was different, like he was easing a bit. Still Vincent was utterly careful, almost shy. I guess all of this was just the reason why it was beyond words how it felt as we finally … were one.  
It was slow, so slow that it drove me insane, made me almost willingly hurt him so that he would move faster. Love hurts. making love like this hurts even deeper. And I watched him fight against himself, clinging to my eyes as if drowning in them was the only thing keeping him in control. It was so intense. I can't describe it. Intimate.


	80. Day 83 - part three

Day 83 ~ part 3

This just tears me apart. I just can imagine how he must feel. It is so crazy that we maybe never might have met if it hadn't been for this experiment, for White. How can the most cruel and despicable create something as breathtaking beautiful as this?  
I don't know how he managed to control himself. Every time we have met - well officially - actually the only time he hadn't changed was when I secretly visited him - he hadn't been able to do that and I ask myself if White managed to interfere somehow. It would make sense. However I'm thinking this now and not while… There was no way of thinking.  
Until then, all these days, I thought rough, hard, brute sex would be the thing for me, the only way for me to actually get satisfied - I guess I wouldn't even think of me being able to write this. But then. This was so different and still just the same. And more. Looking into his eyes, seeing his expression that felt like a mirror of my own. I… I just burst into a million butterflies that exploded into sparks of myself. And in that moment I loved him, fully, relentlessly, consumingly, doubtlessly, ready to dissolve into nothing, into dust, to be inhaled by him. I don't know how else I could describe it. I don't know what else to say than that I still feel like that. Like I can't breathe without him around me to make the air bearable.

Like that my whole day was. I wasn't really present. How could I? When they took everything away with him that made me alive. If this was White's plan all along he he had succeeded. And I did expect him to show, to bring some remarks, to degrade me with his comments. He didn't. Until now at least. But now as I continue dinner is over. I guess Vincent has to listen to that venom that drops out of Sorenson's mouth. I will visit him tonight. Something tells me that he will need this even more than me.  
Peter is worried. He cares about me, I don't really need to write this down because it seems to be so obvious. But I think that he believes that Vincent is hurting me, that Vincent is an animal while I am not.

We got our pants back on and cuddled. First he held me close again, hiding his face in my hair and I guess that's how we fell asleep. Yet as we woke up, it was me having wrapped one arm around him, with my hand on his chest which he held, your legs entwined, and my face against his back. The sole scent inhaled was his and I can't remember that I woke up more happy and serene than in that moment. Mindlessly I kissed his back just to realize that he already had been awake.

They came just moments later and we didn't even have the chance to say much less to kiss goodbye.  
I will see him tonight. They won't break us.


	81. Day 84-86 part one

I haven't written for three days.  
Honestly I didn't know where to start.  
Everything is different now.  
I don't know what to think, what to feel, what to believe anymore.  
I was just stunned. I am still stunned. I think at least. I believe so.  
I feel hollow, numb, empty...I keep staring for minutes, maybe hours but I don't look at anything. I'm a blank page, a system without function. And to be honest: I want to be like this. I don't want to feel or to think. But I sense that it's coming. It's the silence before the storm. You can see the dark, black clouds in the distance, coming closer. And you know it's going to tear everything down. I feel crumbling down. I am drowning.

When I crawled through the vents two nights ago I found his cell empty. Not as in cleared empty but he wasn't there. I thought that he probably was out on a test, or a mission, or anything and that he might return later. So I waited until I knew that I had to get back into my bed. I was insanely cold when I got back into my bed and worried. Worried about Vincent of course, less about the possibility that I might have caught a cold. That's not really possible in such a clean place like this.  
After Peter made his check on me I wanted to act being asleep but I actually fell asleep. I had wanted to go once more, hoping that Vincent would eventually be there, but I stood up straight in my bed once the lights flooded my room.  
The routine started on day 84 just like every day. Yoga before breakfast and Thai Chi afterwards until Peter would pick me up for gym, which he did. I continued to stay in routine and tried not to think about that I hadn't been able to see Vincent and to talk to him. I told myself that I would either see him in the afternoon, or not, or maybe Sorenson would show up and teach me about his intentions and musings again.  
Nothing like that happened. And I grew nervous, worried, insane. I kept asking myself if I had done something wrong, if they had found about about me stealing, if there had something happened to Vincent, or if White had changed his mind, about everything.  
The night couldn't come earlier but I already knew deep inside that Vincent wouldn't be there and I once again risked my only escape plan for nothing. I was right.

And then there came the day I was looking forward to, that I had been hoping for, which I'd rather hadn't. I don't know what I would give to make yesterday undone, to make it never happen. Maybe everything, maybe even him.  
Daily routine... and it was Sorenson who visited me, if you can say so. I should have known it by the expression on his face. So calm, so settled, so smooth. He sat down bringing me a paper cup with cappuccino. That should have been a hint, no, a blinking neon signal. That's what you get for hoping, for believing, for trusting, for giving away your heart.  
The mistrust had always been there with White of course so I didn't start drinking, not even as he sipped. I just watched him and he looked back at me openly pleased with my behavior. There is something about him that makes my bones want to jumps out of my body and run.  
"First I want to congratulate you on your progress with 22", he suddenly started and every letter of his words jumped on my back and used it as a slide. "It's amazing that he is capable of controlling the outbreaks for a certain amount of time, though I have to tell you that we believe it could also has to be a result of the different surrounding. And of course you. However" - he leaned back "we have to make some tests just to be sure."  
This I took as an explanation for Vincent not being in his cell and yet there was some subtext mumbling incomprehensibly in the back of my head. A warning. Everything warned me but admittedly m body goes on full alert with Sorenson close to me. So I nodded, because I knew he wanted me to, but I froze as my eyes met his. This glance. Again he made me feel like a king cobra's prey. Like a little mouse. Me who had tried so hard, who had believed to be turning slowly into a predator herself.  
"I am really impressed with you, Cat", he said and I wanted to cut off my hands for shaking because it made him place his on my wrist close to him. "Making Peter fall asleep, taking his access card and being so reasonable not trying to escape", he made a pause and my heard searched shelter in my stomach. "Whatever you took from the storage room. I am sure you just wanted something to protect yourself. You knew you wouldn't get out of here. I have underestimated you extremely."


	82. Day 84-86 - part two

He knew. He knows. And for me this was the reason why Vincent was gone. I had no idea what to expect in that moment. I was literally frozen. So much that I wasn't able to really comprehend the words, to realize what he meant.  
"Don't worry. I will not search your room. You can keep whatever you took because I trust that you don't want to willingly harm anyone. You are in fact too smart to do such an idiotic thing. am I right?"  
A part of me knew that it had to nod and I felt my head move.  
"Follow me", he said and I was incapable of perceiving, even when he stood up I just blinked blankly.  
It was his hand on my shoulder that shot through my bones like fire. I tried to calm myself, remind myself that Sorenson needed me. I hoped he did. I still do. So I followed him out of my room to the one that lied directly on the other side of the corridor. The room was much smaller than mine and there were no chairs, no furniture, just a large mirror. I already figured that it was in fact a window.  
"Your success made me wonder how far 22's self control has improved and of course if this is just possible with your … assistance", he smiled slightly at me.  
There had been n way for me to even imagine what was going on in his mind. How should I have known or being able to expect this?  
I watched him flip a switch and the mirror turned into a window - just like I had thought. And there he was: Vincent, sitting at a table, his hands and feet in chains. He looked nervous and yet "normal". How was I supposed to know what to do? I wanted to press myself against the glass, ask White if I was allowed to talk to him, but my mind told me the opposite and somehow - just like Vincent - I managed to stay calm, yet nervous.  
"So I am sure that you understand that I would have to find out if someone else is able to achieve what you did", Sonrenson continued and my heart wanted to jump out my chest, while I stared at him in terror of what he would say - as if I would know the words that followed. "Say: his girlfriend." I turned to stone. "Oh, sorry. As a matter of fact his fiancee." He gestured towards the room. I didn't want to turn myself towards it but I followed his order. A door was opened and a stunningly beautiful red-haired woman stepped into the room.  
"A…Alex?" Vincent brought out in disbelieve.  
The sound of his voice made my heart turn into dust.  
"Vincent?" her voice made back flips as she ran towards him like tearing and invisible rope that had held her back and he jumped up his feet; his chains clattering highly.  
I was not there, just watching, screaming silently, as she enfolded his face with her hands while he looked at her like she was the miracle saving him not me. This glance, it was mine not hers. But who am I to fool? It had always been hers. She is the one he had wanted to marry.  
Their voices were mumbles from afar saying something like being sorry, like not knowing, like believing he was dead ans she maybe had found another life. She told him that she hadn't. I just couldn't hear it, couldn't watch because I knew I would silently pray that his Beast would show up. How wrong and evil of me. And so I turned towards Sorenson, trying to remain adamant.  
"Of course", I heard myself say.  
"Here", I watched him lift his hand and saw an access card in it. "With this you can leave your room and access the gym and get outside", he explained. "I believe that this is a worthy reward for your achievements."  
Somehow I managed to ignore the words and happenings next to me, even though the window was still mind kept working, focusing on what was in my possession now.  
"Thank you", it wasn't really my voice, at least it seemed like it. "But what about the men who almost raped me?"  
I sounded so eerily calm and I think now as I write this, I believe that White was impressed again. It's still a blur. It doesn't really matter, does it? I know I had hoped for him to allow me improved training, but the answer was fine for now: "They will not work in the areas you have access to."  
He told me more, like his office being next to my room - which I already knew - and that my card would open the door to it, so that I could lent books from him. After that he handed me a map. It was incomplete but there were rooms with names so I knew I could enter them. I didn't give it much attention,just hoping that I could leave, which he allowed me to.  
He let me leave after a moment. And so I went back into my room.  
The next thing I remember was Peter bringing my Lunch. He said something I think, but I didn't react. So he left. And there I was.


	83. Day 84-86 - part three

There was no way for me to move, there was not a chance for me to think. I guess I sat and stared until the lights went out without really noticing. At some time Peter got the tablet with the untouched food, because when the lights switched on the next morning it was gone. I didn't even notice falling asleep. I don't know if I even actually did sleep. For the first time in my life my body did what I wanted: it had shut down. Completely. I wasn't hungry when Peter returned with my breakfast. And I hadn't been aware that I was running on auto pilot - making my yoga as every morning - until he touched me. What happened then caught us both with surprise: I fought him off. With simple movements I twisted his arm. That was when I snapped out of it, mumbling sorry, even though I wasn't.  
Since I knew that I would have to eat before working out if I didn't want to collapse I asked him to stay, politely, without looking at him. I didn't look at anyone today. I can't stand their glances. He happily did, even though I obviously couldn't care less about him being happy. I shared my fruit with him and he told me that he was still my guard, just in case. I think I nodded.  
I kept following my routine and I start to cherish that I have one. I never was someone going down a checklist but it helps, it keeps you focused, it gives you a purpose. Now that I have lost the only real one I had. I can't forget how he looked at her, how she looked at him, the way he touched her. It makes me feel sick, and and weak, and lost. I can't allow my thoughts to go there.  
So I kept following my routine, which meant that Peter was accompanying me on my way to the gym and I was fine with it. Not that I don't believe that Sorenson has put those three men elsewhere. I mean, honestly, he knows that I stole Peters card, he know where I went, I those guys would try something he would know that as well, someone would see. They have their eyes everywhere. He has his eyes everywhere. It they would want to hurt me, Peter wouldn't be able to hold them back. And deep inside I know that nothing - absolutely nothing - happens without Sorenson's consent. He did order these men to do what they did. Right now. I want them to come, because I still have that cutter and I want to use it.  
For the first time since I got here I am happy that the Afternoon came and went without any surprises. I didn't leave my room. I followed my routine: I made Thai Chi, just in case Sorenson would visit me. He didn't. And I ask myself if this will be my new routine. One could say I should be happy that he doesn't want to get rid of me, now that he has no use for me anymore. But it feels like he did. I know it's stupid of me to think this, that I am so sure Vincent will be able to control himself around her. But if he couldn't, wouldn't be the one they would get to calm him down? I mean, does she even know that he was changed? Doesn't she expect him to be the same? What did White tell her? Why he's officially dead? Why he was in chains?  
I know that I sooner or later have to face this, that I can't run away from this and apart from that: they just met. This reaction… maybe I would have reacted just the same if I had been her. Of course I had and of course he would have reacted in the same way. But I just …. I can't go through the vent and get there. I wouldn't know what to say if he was there, I wouldn't know how to feel if he wasn't. I could use my card and go to his cell and then? just the same. What would I say if he was there? What would I do if he wasn't? And… why do I feel like White is waiting for me to react? What if my behavior isn't what he wants it to be? Tomorrow. I know that I will have to behave differently tomorrow…


	84. Day 87 - part one

Four days until red, but that's not the only thing why I am totally pissed right now. I did what I thought I should do: I went to the gym alone and I cannot avoid looking at that door opposite to my own. That cursed place I keep thinking about. And it was such a temptation to try if my card would work. Yes, I went earlier as my schedule would have planned to, leaving the remains of my breakfast behind. I was a little surprised that neither Peter nor Gray were standing in front of my door. I didn't expect that this would happen so quickly, and I didn't grow suspicious either. Like thinking about that they were literally needed elsewhere. Maybe of Vincent. I tried not to think of him, but I was lying to myself. My whole existence in this place had been build around him, how did I believe to achieve that?  
I really was expecting Peter waiting outside the gym and, yes, it did freak me out a bit that he wasn't. I hadn't seen a single soul. I mean okay, it had been only two hours since he had brought me my breakfast, but you realize how silent this place is when you are really alone. Being in your room by yourself is different. In a prison you are alone. That's the whole purpose. But as I walked back to my room there was no one.  
So of course I was a little scared to enter it, because: what if that tablet was still there? It could have meant so much: maybe even my chance to flee. As if that was possible. And then I was stupid again. I tried the card at the wrong door and it opened. I got in. I looked for the switch to turn the mirror into a window and there she freaking sat, waiting patiently: Alex. And I was furious. I wanted to throw myself into the glass. But what then? My mind was arguing with the rest of my body to stay calm, to become stone. I am sure my glare left bubbles of melted glass.  
I don't know how, but I managed to close my eyes and exhale, relaxing, resting my forehead against the cool material.  
"Hello?" her voice cut into my stomach. "Is there a problem? I've been waiting here for some time and I really… oh my god this is so embarrassing."  
She. needed. to. fucking. pee. Seriously. White, I swear you planned this. There was an empty glass of water on the table. In a room where supposedly Vincent would be sooner or later. A possible weapon. Not that Vincent wasn't a weapon himself. This made no sense and because of that it made absolutely sense.  
I left. And I left her there. I did that and I looked straight into the camera above my room when I entered it. And there was no tablet. How much I would have loved to throw something. anything. Something small, really. But I didn't want to damage my books or my ipod and a chair, well… no. And I was far too upset to make yoga or Thai Chi. I have no clue if that gym is solely for me. though I have a feeling that this one isn't for the guards either. So I made a turn, and went back out.  
.MISTAKE.  
I ran directly into her. Even though not literally. There had Peter been: taking her out of the room to get her to a toilet. No, I wasn't angry at him for taking care of her. It's his job, right? It's not that White will give her my room. RIGHT?  
And there I was, knowing that I had to nor jump her and break her neck, because it wasn't her fault. The way she looked at me was just so innocent, so naive. And God, i know I once had that look as well, maybe even more, because - I think - she's older than me. As old as Vincent I guess. She has no idea where she is.  
"Hi!" Alex said to me and all I was able to do was smile at her, reservedly.  
"Is she a patient as well?" she asked Peter as she shoved her onward and I heard him answer as they went into the other direction: "No, she's a psychological attendant."  
And these words made her look at me, turning towards me, almost cricking her back.  
"Are you Catherine?" she asked me and I froze like she had poured liquid nitrogen over me, but my insides were baking.  
"Could you wait? I would love to speak with you!" she figured that this is my name and I couldn't react, couldn't move.  
My first thought was that Vincent had told her about me. I wanted to believe that. This would change all my thoughts. But… what if Sorenson had told her about me?


	85. Day 87 - part two

I really just wanted to leave, to go to the gym and work out like there was no tomorrow. Because it felt like it. Somehow it still does. Why I didn't I cannot tell and I don't want to assume. Fact is that I did wait and when Peter returned with her he looked terrified. My expression was almost blank in response, while Alex… well she looked excited. I knew then already that she was absolutely clueless about everything here and it made me insanely jealous. Now I'm not anymore.  
"Thank you Peter", I told him. "I'll sit down with her as long she waits."  
I don't know who rattled my cage…. well apparently I do.  
He let me go and I followed Alex into the room - the entry is around the corner from the door that lies opposite to mine. She however didn't seem to figure that one out and in fact I am still surprised that there is not a single window in that room. You can't see it. And I also have no clue where the other door is heading - the one I believe Vincent was brought through. I doubt that they just brought them through my corridor and this keeps me thinking that there might be another level below the one I am living on.  
And that was how I ended up in one interrogation room with Alex, knowing that Vincent possibly could show up any moment.  
"So, I assume it was Vincent who told you about be?" I spoke before she was able to, closing the door behind us - not really caring if my card would work on it or not. Oddly enough it gets easier for me to act - and there I tried to play the role that Peter had named: psychological attendant. What a strange but fitting title for me.  
"Yes", her answer almost paralyzed me. I mean there had only been two possibilities, but I kind of expected that it had been Sorenson. "He told me that you were the one helping him with his condition."  
That was nicely put - I just nodded. Needless to say that I avoided eye-contact and didn't sat down opposite to her.  
"Can you tell me more about it? It's not just PTSD, right? I mean this is not just a mental facility is it? What happened to him in Afghanistan?" Alex folded her hands in front of her, leaning towards me as if I was the solution to everything. I was the solution to Vincent's everything. Not hers.  
"I'm sorry, but I cannot answer your questions", I turned my back on her, trying not to show my facial expressions hearing what she thought she knew.  
"So you cannot tell me either why Vincent is officially dead?" her voice became weaker.  
"What have they told you?" I turned around, trying to appear professionally.  
She looked down at her hands, fidgeting with them.  
"Not much", was her answer. "Just that the fewer I knew the safer I'd be. That during his mission overseas something has happened to him, and that was the explanation for everything. Also that I shouldn't tell anyone about him and be being here would be aiding his recovery and rehabilitation."  
I suck in the information until she looked up at me again. And I nodded. Again I turned away this time towards the wall that I knew was the window and I asked myself if someone was behind it right now. There was a chance. This could be a test, and even if there was no one I know there are still the cameras.  
"Is he ever going to return home?" Alex asked cautiously and I answered coolly: "No", turning just my head towards her a little, to watch her reaction and I realized that my role there right now was White's. Knowing this was strange.  
"He can't", I added and I wasn't lying.  
They would never let him go and if we were able to flee we would never be able to go where they would assume us. We would never be able to return home. And I became aware of this in that moment. I stared at the wall, hoping that no one was standing there, to see the expression on my face. Because I just had broken my own hope.  
I don't know if it was a good thing. maybe it was, because these questions are occupying me ever since. I never thought of it, but what if we managed to get out of here? Where would we go? What would we do? I never had thought beyond planning to escape and now I know that I have to think of that as well.  
And now I am here again thinking about getting Vincent and myself out of here without knowing if he even wants to leave with me.  
"Is there anything you can tell me?" Alex needed to know; the sound of her voice told everything and I managed to turn around to her.  
"Not much", I brought out. "Apart from that I have been assigned to him for a little more than two months now and our sessions are regularly every two to four days."  
"Has he talked about me?" this question. it cut like a knife, but different. The pain it created changed as I answered truthfully: "No." I hurt her. I could see the tears in his eyes. "Because of this. Because it's painful to talk about things that he has left behind. He had to feel a kind of peace in the present. A stability." As I heard myself talking like that I realized that this was exactly what I was meant for. "Meeting you…." I didn't know what this was for. I really had believed until that moment that it was only to hurt us: Vincent and me. But what if it wasn't?  
Yet she looked at me, waiting for my answer.  
"It's not my choice what it will be for him. It's his", I ended. I could have said that it was for him to be able to say goodbye. Maybe it was - I surely hope so - but I couldn't just assume it.  
"You look very young", Alex suddenly stated.  
"I know", I gave back and walked towards the door, my pulse rising with every step. I prayed that the card would work. "I will find out why this takes so long." I turned around and help my card to the door.  
"Thank you", she replied.  
I pressed my hand against the door and it was shut. Only for a second. Because there was Peter opening it for me and letting me slid through. This door is not for me to open. So I won't get down to the lower level. I'd better not think about it.


	86. Day 87 - part three

Day 87 - part three

Instantly I went back to the gym because I hoped I could distract myself from this. But I couldn't and now I am asking myself how stupid I still am. Alex know nothing. She believes that this is some sort of Veteran hospital and I bet they told her that the enemy did something to him.  
I should have said that meeting him is so that he can say goodbye. Somehow I believe that it is her who has to do so. Vincent told me that he had been here for years and she behaves like he has been declared death just weeks ago. I'm sorry Alex, but that was me, not him.  
I tried not to think it I tried not to write it down. Because it's wrong, because it's not true, because you just don't think of a person like that. And still I want to grab her, shake her and scream at her that Vincent is mine. No, he isn't but he is with me. Thinking of losing him is… it's unbearable. There's no word for it. He is my balance, my gravity keeping my on planet sane. With him gone. I don't know… I can't even imagine how my life could go on. And I don't want to thin about the possibilities. Eerie enough that I know White won't kill be. Everything else but this. Because I tried to please him. What if I please him too much? What if him getting her here is to free me of Vincent? He should know that I don't want that. Is this really about him? It feels so much like this is truly about me right now. Like Sorenson wants to break me.

And now I sit here, stying awake because I don't want the day to end and the next day to begin. Because everything is changed now. With her here. The woman he wanted to marry. What am I now. Did he really care about me? I don't even look like her, do I?  
I don't know what to think,what to feel, what to do. Maybe i should use that cutter against myself and end this. But what if I get all of this wrong? What if he needs me? What if he is waiting for me to visit him? What if Sorenson is expecting me to use this card? What does he expect me to do? What doesn't he? what is better? to act like he wants me to or not? What is really important? Should I try staying reasonable? And be safe? And risk that White believes I don't care? Or should I show how I feel and risk that he uses it against me? Doesn't he use it against me already?

I have to go.


	87. paper between day 87 and day 88

(they won't let me post a picture, how stupid is that?)

* * *

Dear Catherine,

if you have found this you have come to visit me. Despite

meeting Alex. I am so sorry that you have to learn about

her like this. That you met her before I could tell you about

her. I asked her to bring me this, but I haven't told her that

I mean to write you. I wouldn't know how to explain or where

to start. ########

I don't have much time. I just want you to know that I didn't

want any of this. I have to find a way to make her leave

and don't come back. If there is anything you can do to make

that happen ... she isn't as strong as you.

################################

Whatever they tell you, don't believe it. I know that you

would never doom someone to the same or worse fate than

yours or mine. She needs to leave and you know that I cannot

make her. You know what would happen. But most of all...

I couldn't live with the thought sentencing her to this.

It is already killing me that you are here because of me.

Please don't doubt me. I cannot lose you. Vincent

* * *

this was supposed to be a picture. I get why ever write I know dislikes this platform.

[I had already planned this ~ I know some of you would love to read Vincent's POV, but given the situation, that he isn't allowed to have anything that's more or less impossible - at least thinking of the diary style - but: stay tuned. I've got more concerning Vincent up my sleeve!]


	88. Day 88

I couldn't. I simply couldn't. I didn't go to see him. Somehow I think White wanted me to go, to use the little fake freedom he granted me to see if I would go and meet him. I know I should sooner or later because otherwise he might think I found another way and then he would find out about the vent. I doubt that he's underestimating me anymore. Since he knows about be using the sleeping powder against Peter.  
It's three days to phase red. So maybe Sorenson will blame it on me becoming more depressive again that I just can't go over there. I just can't see Vincent now. I … I'm just to scared of how he would react. What will be different about his behavior towards me. If there will be differences. Whatever he says, whatever he does I will over interpret it. I know it. He has back his fiancée. I mean Alex obviously has no idea but what it that what it's about? Maybe Sorenson wanted me to help Vincent being able to walk unhidden, out in the open. And now that I have managed to do that… is that too imaginative? I mean Vincent can compose himself enough to meet the women he wanted to marry, the one he thought he had lost forever. So he could have a normal life, somewhere else, going into combat whenever White needs him. And what about me?  
I don't feel like anything today. I won't do anything today. That's the fake freedom I take. I stay in bed the whole day. What do I have left anyhow? What do I work out for? Why am I even still alive?  
I want to rip my heart out and eat it, but I'm not hungry. I could do all that is wring to me right now. I don't care. I just don't want to feel anything anymore. Why can't I go back? To the numbness? Why do I have to suffocate by my thoughts? Why can't my head just stop? Why can't I just stop thinking about him? About her? About her with him? I want back to the night he spend with me here and stop them from taking him from me.  
I have to distract myself from this. But I can't. There's no strength left in me. No energy. I won't get up. I can't.

I didn't eat my Breakfast and Peter was worried. Why can't he just leave me alone? I threw my pillow after him when he asked if I was okay. Stupid. I had to get up to take it back to my bed. I just. can't. stop. thinking about Vincent. I want to see him and I don't. I just…. he won't be in his cell. no matter what. I know it.

I went. The official way of course, but I did. Because of stupid, fucking Peter. Because he asked me if I needed a Doctor, if he should talk to Sorenson. I will talk to fucking White to replace this stalking idiot. Why did I go? Of course…. I knew… I knew he wouldn't be there. I knew his cell would look like he hadn't been there for days. Of course. Why would he? He's with her. Somewhere else. They haven't called me yet to calm him down, so everything is perfect. They don't need me. He doesn't need me. I am alone. Again.

Why can't this stop. Why can't I stop. It needs to stop. My head, my mind, my thoughts. It's all about him and I can't stop. Nothing helps. I can't concentrate, can't focus, can't talk.  
Five days ago everything was perfect. I wish five days ago I would have died.

[apparently the note was added chronologically, to when Vincent presumably put his letter into the vent]


	89. Day 89

Two days left till phase red. I don't really know why this is so important to me. I haven't been so serious about it since I got there, or ever. So what is the difference? Do I want it to happen? Am I afraid that it won't? Am I afraid it won't?  
It's morning, I guess. I couldn't sleep, i can't sleep. So I write. because staring into the blackness, hoping that the time will move makes me go crazy and right now I am just plain happy that I am too weary to run in circles.  
nothing. just nothing. that's what yesterday was, what today will be, that my life is, that I am. Not even White showed up yesterday. Peter… what do I want with Peter right now?  
I feel it coming. I feel it taking over that downward spiral which sucks me down, swallows me, chokes me, suffocates me with pictures, sounds and memories. I want to drown them, burn them, turn them into less than dust. I don't want to think anymore, to feel anymore.  
I hate to wait until something happens. I know that I can walk around here, but for what? To finally end up against a closed door or a wall? Can't Sorenson just show up and mock me? No I don't really want that, because what will this mean to me? Will I have to be a reward for a different beast? start it all over again? Vincent was different, but … no. I can't think of that. Or of what else might happen. No. I can't I won't.

-

Be careful what you wish for. This is so, so true. I made myself going to the gym again and it somewhat helps. I always had been easy on the weights, increasing them just a little. Now I just try to figure out how much I can take. If there's nothing else for me to do? I just which I had the possibility to really train something for self defense. I'll just focus on that when I can.  
I decided not to shower at the gym anymore when no one is standing guard for me. I just don't feel safe, or rather I cannot trust the illusion of being save any more. The only really safe place was with him. And even that is an illusion. I kept myself sane with them. With my nativity and now I've been stripped from everything.  
And now everything I do seems to be the wrong decision. Whatever I do I end up somewhere I don't want to be. Why am I writing this? Because when I came out of MY shower, finally feeling comfortable enough to walk into my room NAKED, White was waiting for me.  
And my first instinct was to get out of there, of course, but where? Fleeing probably wouldn't help my anyhow, so I simply stopped and looked at him, forcing my fists to relax.  
"You don't knock anymore, Sir?" I pressed out the last word sounding rather tired, I didn't have enough energy to change my sound.  
I watched him how he looked at me and waited far too long to answer my question: "I did."  
I was too tired to play games, too worn out to guess what he wanted. Whit is in the position to take what he wants anyhow. And I feel like he just waits for me to do something so that he can teach ma a lesson again. But I just…  
"Do you want me to put something on, Sir?" again I pressed out the title, not even trying to cover that up: like I said I didn't have the energy anymore to guess what he would possibly expect from me.  
Oddly enough he doesn't seem to like me acting defeated. This may threaten my life, but I don't care anymore.  
"Yes", was his answer after a long pause of reconsideration. I swallowed down the acid that had crawled up my throat and continued what I had originally planned to do - without him watching, but it doesn't really make a difference how he watches me, does it?  
"I've been told that you accidentally ran into our guest", he started while I still was dressing up.  
"Excuse me if I don't believe in accidents here, Sir", I didn't turn around to response, because I didn't care about his reaction. Whatever he wants to do he finds a way, he doesn't really need me doing something so that he can react.  
"Aren't you relieved about that fact that you won't have to interact with subject 22 anymore?" he sounded like he believed his own words and I couldn't help but turn towards him in my underwear: "Are you being serious?"  
"You have done well, you've achieved to pass my expectations by far. I cannot let you go, but I can offer you a position in this facility of your choice. You already suggested becoming a nurse. You could become more than that. My assistance for instance."  
He offered me a life. Some sort of life. Had he done the same to Vincent? I don't know. I don't think that he would have called him 22 then. I didn't answer, so he continued: "No more sessions, no more test, no more examinations. You'd get a computer, television, everything you need and once you've been long enough and proven trustworthy to the headquarters you might even get an apartment upside. How does that sound?"  
"Like there is a big fat hatch hidden somewhere", I answered and he smiled at me in a way that my skin crawled.  
"After you have proven your loyalty, you might even become an agent in the field, which means you could go outside and back into the world, doesn't this sound like a future to you?"  
So this was what all of this was about: he tore the only positive future I could have had imagined down here out of my hands to offer me this.  
"What about Vincent?" I heard myself. "22 I mean", I corrected.  
"He wouldn't be of your concern anymore. Apart from the case that he gets out of control again in a way that we would need your assistance."  
I swallowed because this means in case he kills Alex. And I shuddered, I shudder right now writing this because of that dark glimpse of hope about this. Almost three months and I hope someone I don't know gets mauled my someone I was forced to love.  
"And the hatch?" I asked after it was me thinking and creating a pause.  
"You already know", White said and left without waiting for my decision.  
And now I'm stuck here with it.


	90. Day 90

I couldn't sleep. I woke up several times last night and so I decided to take a stroll. MY kind of stroll. The only one I feel safe with: the vent. My tools seem so silly to me now, but who knows.  
I found the letter and I read it over and over again. I know I should feel something. It should make me feel something. But it doesn't. I know he thinks of me, he tried to contact me. Maybe this was the only way. But why hasn't he talked to Alex about me? Then again what should he tell her: that's the girl I … have sex with to calm myself down because I turn into some kind of raging monster now and then?  
I really don't know what to think or to feel. I am numb again. Right now when I don't need it, right now when I need to make a decision. Helping Vincent, no helping Alex might cost my my fake opportunity to greater fake freedom. Because I know what the downside of the deal is. I can tell. White wants to own me. Even more than he already does. He can't have me when I'm Vincent's do he offers me more. But what will happen when I ask him to make her leave? Also I just could let her take my place. I mean: what am I to Vincent? What is he to me? Are we even the same thing to each other? Does he feel the same and just doesn't dare to put it into words in case the letter is found?  
I could simply hand it over, but then White possibly would want to know how I got it.  
I need to think. I need to clear my head.

-

there's really nothing I could write down else. I worked out a lot today. Only Peter is there, but talking to him is strange. It's almost like I don't know him anymore. I never have, actually.  
Maybe Sorenson will show up to ask my what I have decided, or he won't. Somehow I think he won't. And I won't see Vincent. I don't even know if I want to anymore. I mean I understand that he is worried. I'd be too, but what about me? He can't lose me but her? why? Because I'm already in too deep? Or do I mean more to him than she does?


	91. Day 97

I've waited for days. Waited for a sign, any information, just a hint, just a certain look on Peter's face. Anything. I've fought with myself to write in here. It somehow feels like betraying the trust of the only person that I never wanted to disappoint. And now it seems to be the only thing left of us. I don't know even what to write, where to start. It's been so long,much to long and it kills me. I asked myself what happened. I mean apart from the obvious. I've heard nothing and Peter just punishes me with silence as if this is my fault. So I know that he himself has no idea and no information either. It drives me insane.  
Alex has been gone for five days now as well, so Sorenson has come to an decision, hopefully one that doesn't got her killed in the end and that she's home or somewhere she can call home and safe. But I haven't heard anything about Catherine.

I don't have a real sense of time, so I don't really know when she made her last entry. It is just an assumption that it has been a week. I am not sure. However Catherine used her diary to keep herself sane and I just hopes that it works on me as well. I just hope that Sorenson returns this to her and I have the chance to speak to her, to you, Catherine, through your diary.

After Alex left for the last time Sorenson, or White - as you call him - brought me your diary and he told me that it was yours, so I really couldn't bring myself to read it. I really didn't mean to. I just stared at it for hours, at the cover … and … tried not to think of what might have happened to you, what he has done to you, because of me. I might be able to lie to Peter, but I cannot lie to myself. It is my fault. All of it. All of it.

I still don't dare to read what you have written, because I don't want to betray you, but I saw that you found my letter and now I can't stop thinking about how you might have understood it. Now as I read it myself again it sound so wrong. I should have put those words differently. She's not more innocent than you, not more important. No one is more important to me than you. And now I might never be able to tell you. I just wanted her to be safe and if I would have had any chance to make your that you'd be safe and return home without have to go all through this, all that I have put you through, I would have done everything, anything. He just should have told me what he had planned. But that's who he is, he wouldn't have heard,he wouldn't have listened to me. He never does, he only hears what he wants to hear and makes it happen.

And thinking of this. I can't… I can't stop myself from imagining what he might wants to hear right now.

You should have seen his face as he brought me your diary. That smug smirk. As if he had won a war I didn't even know of. But … it had to be about you. He just told me that he hoped that I had said farewell to my ex-fiancée and that I shouldn't expect to see her ever again. I was so relieved at first but then he gave me your diary with nothing but that smirk on if face and all I wanted to do in that moment was rip it off, entirely, slice for slice. But there was this book and it smells of you. I hadn't seen you for days and it just paralyzed me. I stared at it and didn't even notice him leaving. I should have killed him.

-

I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry for what I made you think. My letter just made everything worse. You weren't sure about me and … I read the last entry. i am sorry. I don't know why. I just thought I might get a hint on what happened to you. And I think that Sorenson might have read everything you wrote down and my letter. I can only assume what you mean with greater fake freedom. But I think he knows about the vent. He know more… I can't read your diary. Oh I wish that you would have send me a letter, that you could have had a chance. This not knowing kills me. At least before this I had all these tests and training and missions and tests that made my days haste by just to slow down when I was with you. And now… I can't believe that you are gone. And yet this would possible be the best thing that can happen to you here.  
I need you so much. You can't imagine. You mean everything to me. You were the only thing that kept me sane that made me feel, sense, think like a human being or the closest I can get to. Without you I am just the monster that tormented and raped you when you first arrived here.

It's like everything was clouded until you got here. Like I wasn't myself. Still I'm not me. Not my old me at least. But you changed me. You are the only one that was is to see beyond this monster, this beast and see me, or the human that is left. I'm nothing without you. I'm even worse. I will get worse. My thoughts will make me worse. I swear they will have to kill me or I will … I will bring … I will become even more what they want of me. You are my hope. And a man without hope has nothing left to lose.

I love you, Catherine. I hope you can believe me. I mean, look a this place, this situation we are in. How can I possibly feel this way? But I do. If he has set you free - which he definitely hasn't - but if he would. I would let you go. I wouldn't fight. I would accept everything so that you would be safe and free. Because I love you.


	92. Day 98

He left me to rot. I am sure that he wants to drive me crazy as quickly as possible. It's not about testing boundaries anymore, he can't make me believe that. I never had been in for games with him. I had never a reason to fight. They stripped our lives away from us, our humanity, they made us beasts through and through and some of your beyond the point of no return. I thought I was just like that, until he showed me videos and pictures of normal humans. I thought it was to torment me, to show me what I wasn't anymore. And I tried to make the best out of this situation. That was when I found you. You seemed so lost, sad and alone. Just like me. Like you were looking for something. And I couldn't stop looking at you, watching you, getting to know you. If I had known that this would doom you to this existence I wouldn't have done that. I cannot undo it. Not even the torture that came to you though my own doing.  
Now I have a reason to fight. Not for my soul. I'm damned anyway. But for you. Looking back I think that was what all of this was about. And that is why he never has to give you back to me anymore, because he knows that I would do absolutely anything for just catching a glimpse, for sign that you are alive and well. I would tear down the world just to make sure that you are just that and happy.


	93. Day 99

Forgive me. I can't keep it together. I can imagine that this might have been the same for you. Maybe it's exactly the same for you. Maybe Sorenson had put you in another room and given you a knew diary and punished you with isolation just like me. I try to work out here in that tiny room of mine. I keep staring up to the vent even though I know that you won't be there. I listen with closed eyes, hoping to hear a sound of you. But you are literally gone. The only thing that keeps me sane is you. And the only thing I have left of you is this. So … I couldn't help myself. Forgive me. I read the entry before the last. The one that is ten days ago.

I can only assume what you mean with phase red. I never heard of it and you write that you never thought much about it before. So it has to… oh. I makes sense and… please, God, no.  
And Peter? So what he says is right? He sees you every day? Well he saw because now he is lurking around my cell almost all the he knows more? So help me God if he should ever place a foot into my cell… It still drives me mad that what he told me is true. And I… I almost destroyed your diary. I shouldn't have started to read. But I need to find a hint to what might have happened to you.  
… you can leave your room? Is phase red really what I think it is? Or… Ending up with another beast? was all of this fake? Was all of this acting? Did you really mislead me?  
At first I wasn't able to continue reading. But I had to, because I couldn't believe that my doubts were true. I read and I still keep thinking: were you that student I saw or some sort of special agent? So I am just subject 22 to you too? And who is "he", the only one that made you feel safe? Me? Or maybe Peter? Someone else entirely? And Alex is a guest to you too?  
I almost stopped here, but I didn't. I feel like I ow you that and somehow I feel relieved. It's my own fault again, for intruding your privacy.  
Maybe all of this is fake. Maybe this isn't even your diary. But I choose to believe it.  
But I don't know what is worse. Knowing that you appear to be a prisoner as well or that you might not be anymore. Yet why would Sorenson give me that information?  
And then… is it my fault that you hate Alex that much? And do you hate me that much right now because Sorenson brought her in? Why are you so upset? What have you done? What was your decision? Are you standing next to Sorenson right now and watch me? Have you changed sides?  
But Alex is gone. She won't come back. Is this your doing, Catherine? What have you done? Have you left me?


	94. Day 100

One hundred days. One hundred days you are here because of me. I refuse to believe that you are dead. I know you aren't. I refuse to believe that you are a foul trick. Imagined by Sorenson. He hasn't got the fantasy for that. No matter how cruel he is. I know what I felt was real. I know that what you felt was real. Even if it was not. I refuse it.  
And how? How could I when I have started to read your diary. I hope you will forgive me. I hope you will one day have the chance to know this and forgive me.  
I just can't imagine that all of this what I saw and all of what I have rad was just fake. Even if Sorenson would have this vivid imagination, he wouldn't have the recourses to pull this off. And yet I don't… I'm just not able to forgive myself for doubting you. I feel like I am going insane. I feel like I am loosing myself and this time completely.  
I honestly believed that I heard you. I heard you whisper my name. So full of despair. But would he do that? Put me right into the range of my hearing to make me doubt if this is just my imagination? It seems to be like him, right? But why? Doesn't he already know that I would do everything to make sure that you are okay? To be sure that you are okay? Why tormenting me any further?  
And it's just like you are there, right there, beyond my senses. I keep asking myself if this is just wishful thinking or not. But it doesn't make any difference. It's making everything worse. It makes me lose it, lose control. I feel like I am loosing track, like I don't remember what I am doing. It makes me just realize how much I need you and how wrong you must have taken my choice of words, how I need you. I'm not good in words. And now it falls right back at me.  
There's someone coming….


	95. Day 101

As you can see: to me this has been a full success.  
Thank you for your patience and cooperation.

- Sincerely Doctor Sorenson


	96. Day 102

So it has been 102 days. You are holding up good so far. All what you have witnessed. All you have heard of and imagined within the boundaries of your own mind. It is, in fact, a fascinating experience to watch you. How you are reacting to all of this, how you are trying to keep it together, to go on. You don't have realized yet that you are mine. Have you?


	97. Day 91-102 my days part one

I stared onto this book for what seems like hours. I was so furious, so hurt, so betrayed. I thought of ripping my diary into pieces, but I couldn't touch it. It seemed stained, contagious, dangerous even. White has destroyed the only sacred thing I have had. Maybe… if I rip out those paged he used… it might be different. But i doubt it I just. I don't know what to do. It feels like my best friend, the only I could confide to has stabbed into my back. But of course I should have known. Even more after they didn't take me back to my room. I…

I hadn't seen his pages. Those three entries. I'm still shaking and still crying. Vincent. He wrote to me. He read what I wrote. I don't know how much. I guess he still had the pen Alex gave him and White knows. He knows everything. He feels like he has won. Those pages will stay there. But Vincent. I feel so endlessly bad of thinking so wrong about him. I feel so struck that I made him doubt me. What must he think of me now?

All of this explains why I am not back in my room. It's everything there - well the things that officially should be there. But the room is different. It feels different. And the screws in the vent are untouched. White knows. he knows and everything was part of his plan or at least a calculated risk. But it's easy to stay superior with all these advantaged in your hand, Sorenson. Will you read this again? Have you already? Will you give this diary to Vincent again? What will you ask of me next? Now that everything is exactly like you wanted.

It's so hard to think straight. But.. I will write. Just because of that slight chance that you might read it again, Vincent. Because there is always hope. There has to be and even though you, Sorenson, might have wanted to break mine with all of this. You just ruined it for yourself.

It is actually day 101, but as Vincent said it's hard to keep track, when every day is the same. I had a method, to keep track the last ten days: I folded one corner per page of the book that Sorenson brought me: Jane Eyre. And I knew that he had been in my room.  
I don't know why exactly they took me on that day. I just knew that I had to get my menses on that day, maybe one later. My body isn't that exact on that matter. I can just guess that they somehow already knew. And it keeps my head spinning, making me paranoid. Maybe it was just a guess. I thought that Peter and Grey got me out of my room because of the offer White had made. That I could become one of them. I really thought that this was the reason and because of that I didn't ask questions, not even when they brought me to the examination room. I hate it there. I would have protested if I had known that I would spend mostly of the following days there.

I'm such a mess, I can barely function. Why does he keep us separate? Why can't I even talk to him? He wants to break you, Vincent. Please don't. It's something different than those I have seen. Yes, in between the waiting and the examining I got walks. I got to see others. Your comrades that have survived the termination, which damned them to this fate, just like you. he told that it was nothing else but natural selection, even though creating you was against nature. This man is so contradicting that I have doubts he is even thinking clearly. If there is a proof that madness and genius can be one and the same: it's him. How do you beat someone like that?  
I didn't get names, only numbers and fates. I can only believe that you, Vincent, know them all and it pains me to think of them. There are some… I know that you don't see anything human in you, that you never would describe yourself as human but you are. There are others.. when you look into their eyes … they are empty, dead. there's nothing left but primal instincts and you are so much more than that.  
I also met four. The ones they were talking about. And it was so hard to fake that I hadn't heart the conversation. Now knowing that White has read it, probably knowing that I eavesdropped it's so ridiculous now.  
I only know that his name must start with a D, maybe you know him. He… seems to have the same awareness than you have. He is just… angrier than you. I thought meeting him was just the beginning, but I haven't seen him since. And I really have a bad feeling about this. Maybe I am the only one, but… I can't … now I just can't believe that White send Alex back like that. And I feel so despicable for thinking badly about her, for her wanting to get hurt, because it was so childish of me.  
I talked to Sorenson about Alex. About that I didn't believe she would be managing that situation. We discussed her and I tried, I really tried to say rational and objective. I don't know if I managed it. Reading what Vincent wrote he already had stopped the meetings when we still were talking about her. And I guess it was just about studying me. I am part of the experiments. More than I ever allowed myself to be. Now more than ever. Because I'm ten days late.


	98. Day 91-102 my days part two

I know this is the reason for everything. Why I was taken from my room, why I got a new one, why becoming a part of them never came up ever again. They haven't told me if it's true. If I am really pregnant but they treat me differently, more carefully but not with more respect, also not the contrary. There was always someone with me, monitoring me. I am sure that there is no difference to before apart of the fact that I can see it now, that I cannot deny it anymore that I am shadowed.  
And White spend so much time with me that it made me feel sick. I think he even marveled at me as if I was a miracle. I tried to bring up Alex and avoid Vincent but I never got really far on that account.  
I have read that in the first three months of a pregnancy the danger of losing the child is the highest. So is this what it is about? Is this why I can't see Vincent? But there is never just one reason for something Sorenson does, is it? He drives Vincent mad, proves to me that he owns me and makes sure that if I am really pregnant, that I won't loose it. And what will happen if I do? Am I worthless then? Will he renew his proposal? Will I have to try again? With four? I have to stop thinking about this. I just… I just want to go back to where I was before. I need to see him.  
I keep imagining him crawling up the walls. Literally. Is there any difference for White if I ask him or not? I don't care submitting to him. But would he tend to torment Vincent even more?  
I … I need to get out of this room. I'm not even allowed to work out in the gym. I am not even entirely alone. There are nurses checking on me regularly, as if I either have a contagious disease or am a unicorn. I guess to White I am both. The way he looks at me, this gaze is just as torn as Peter's now. Peter. I know he would do a lot for me, but I know he would expect something back. I cannot ask him to help me. And he sure as hell won't take any risks anymore. Not after me tricking him. He has to know. White must have told him. Or not? I try to read his glances when the nurse opens the door and he catches a look. He stands guard again. maybe along with Grey. But why? Are those three men around again?

I got my new room today. I don't know why the suddenly decided to move me, but I feel like something has happened. It's like seeing something out of the corner of your eye which is gone once you look, like your hair standing up without no reason, like sensing the temperature drop by one degree. And it freaks me out. In more than one way. Not just because I sense something but because of my head trying to spin, why I do that. Or am I not pregnant at all? Am I changing instead? Have I been here much longer and already been injected and these three months with Vincent were just some sort of acceptance tests?  
Because … I just know it is him. I don't even have to ask, I know. I don't want this change to be because of him. I need to see him, need to know that he is okay. I need to get out. Get out and find him. Tell him that I am alright. That I haven't left him. That I love him. He needs to know.


	99. Day 103104 part one

I've been out for almost a day and it took almost another day for me to get my diary here. I'm back at the station, these handful of rooms that build a small in complex hospital. I haven't planned of being here again so soon. I'll try to put the two passed days together as good as I can, but my shoulder hurts badly and that along with the painkillers and my menses turns everything into a blur.

It was Vincent. I was right. About everything. Maybe. Not my shoulder. That one was the guy I promised he would be killed. Seems that I happen to keep my promises. And I can't help but be satisfied about that even though I'm sorry for Vincent. It's not your fault. I didn't want you to hold back. This bastard abused and shot me. In your position I would have done the same.  
I just… no I don't regret a bit what happened.  
I still cannot explain why I sensed him, Vincent, and he not me. Maybe he did, maybe that was what drove him insane, mad, blind with rage. That's what I saw.  
What happened until the moment I smacked my new notebook across my nurse's head to break out, I don't know. I just knew he needed me and that my time for calming him down had been determined to stop. Not by me obviously. I guess if it hadn't been for Vincent's breakdown someone would have stood guard at my door. Yet there was no one and I ran, hoping to find the right direction. Everything looks the same here.

Just when I had thought that I had turned wrong, I could hear him. All my hair stood straight up as I heard his roar. I have never heard him like that before. Never. Every person in his right mind would have turned on his heels, but of course I ran even faster.  
What I saw when I got there - I didn't realize where I was - made me stop. I don't know how, yet why, he was outside, in the corridor. He had been fighting and he had lost, not without taking some of them down. I saw blood, been holding their injuries, while comrades pulled them away. I couldn't see if Vincent was shot or not, but he was breathing heavily, supporting himself with one claw on the ground. Fully changed. I saw him in bright light for the first time, him, the beast, my beast without a single shadow to cover or hide him.  
That was when he caught my scent and his head snapped up with a purring growl, his ocher-golden eyes staring directly into my core. Confusion was written across his face and that puzzled me. He recognized me, he was relieved, yes, but confused.  
And he got up, ignoring everything around him, even the guns pointing at him and I started running again, to be faster, to make sure he wasn't harmed. Despite his vile appearance, despite that large wound across his face, Along his jar.  
I didn't even hear the shot. I can't remember it either. I think I head myself shout "no" before something bit me, made me fall over, but I was caught. One can smile when in pain, when feeling like pour out of your body. I followed his movement with my eyes, but I couldn't really see what happened. All I saw was blood and it wasn't mine. Vincent killed that guy while holding me and I got nothing else to do but try to make it impossible for someone to shoot him.  
He held me that close that I first thought his embrace was the origin of my pain and yet he couldn't hold be close enough. I heard his heartbeat in my airs, felt his panicky breath against my skin.  
"Vincent", I heard a voice, but I can't tell if I have heard it before. "You need to let her go. She's hurt."  
His face against mine  
"We will make it okay. But we have to be quick. The shock might kill…" I swear I heard "them" but again everything was a blur. I don't even know if these were the exact words.  
But I know that I at least thought mine, thought I said "I love you" and these words sounded like a whisper in my ears. Still I don't know.  
I remember how his hold on me eased and how reluctant I was. And I know that… I am sure that I said "please don't kill him".  
I think I saw Sorenson, and Grey and Peter. And they saw me. I think I cried. It's so surreal. But I swear it was real


	100. Day 103104 part two

I woke up in this bed and tried to remember. Still I think I miss a few things. My shoulder hurts badly but I hurt more. No one talked to me until White showed up. And he.. he is different. I don't know how else to put it.

For the first time - I believe - something has happened that he hadn't planned. I think I wasn't meant to be shot. Maybe I wasn't even meant to break free and intervene. What happened wasn't meant to happen. I cannot be sure but obviously I was pregnant and now because of being shot I am not anymore. Because, honestly, the first time he visited, he looked devastated. And when I asked him without thinking twice, panicking, if Vincent was still alive he looked like I smashed the iceberg that sunk the Titanic against his chest.  
And that's actually the funny, strange thing. Suddenly he seemed to care. He was caring. Like I was supposed to be the one drowning in sorrow. But I was just angry about him not telling me if Vincent was okay. So I repeated myself, grabbing his hand tightly as he stood beside my bed.  
"Tell me!" I insisted. "Is he alright?"  
Before I could get up, White pushed down my shoulder, and his eyes narrowed.  
"That's the only thing important to you?"  
His voice was so appalled and yet he stared at me in confusion. There is something that I miss obviously, that I should remember, but I don't know what it is. And every time he's there with Peter in the back watching as if I would attempt to kill my tormentor, he seems to wait for me to behave like whatever he things I should and every time I obviously don't. Needless to point out that he checks on me once per hour.  
Every time I ask him about Vincent and he doesn't answer, looking at me like he will only tell me when I spill. And then, when I don't, he turns around to exchange a glance with Peter until I asked him. My guard. I actually just said his name questioningly. And I swear I could feel a shift when I did that, I could sense something changing about the way White stood, like he was tensing up. Maybe he was enraged that I dared to ask someone else but him, I couldn't tell because he didn't turn his face back to me. Peter didn't answer as well, but his hardened expression suddenly appeared softer to me. I don't know what it means.  
The next time they returned White gave me my diary and a pen. He didn't wait for me to ask the same question again, but walked right out. I don't know why I stayed calm all the time. It feels like I'm not really there, like I am actually dreaming and about to wake up. So when Peter came up to me, not following his boss I wasn't worried, or concerned, or scared. I didn't think that he might try something. I only realized that we were completely alone when he had left as well.  
"He's alive."  
How can such wonderful words hurt that bad? It was like I was being under water and he pulled me through the surface back into the cold, clear world. My mind was blank and I grabbed his wrist tightly, because that was the only way I could express myself. I can't tell how I felt or how I feel. I wanted that Peter would tell me more. More than that. How bad was he hurt? Had he been able to calm down? What would be the consequences?  
"You saved his life"; he sounded like he had debated with himself since that moment I had been shot, what to tell me.  
Still it's the only thing I keep thinking about. That Vincent is still alive because of me. Because I escaped my room and found him. That bullet had been meant for him. Though the way Peter looked at m - now that I think about it - it seemed that I missed something, I still missed something.  
"He's restraint", Peter added.  
He had calmed down because of me and yet they had to chain him, maybe drug him? Or was I been told this to be tormented again? Because this meant he hadn't calmed down enough? He isn't back to normal? Peter's look… it's like I should know something I don't, like I should know that they still don't kill Vincent because of me. Why?  
"I… I need to see him", I heard myself say and I think I have said it for a thousand times today.  
Then I felt his hand on mine. Why does everything feel so different? It has to be the painkillers. I can't tell really. I don't know why I didn't mind his thumb brushing my hand, or the way he looked at me with that tiny smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. I didn't mind that he didn't answer to that. Because… I mean …. when they don't kill him that means I will see him, right?  
I didn't realize what was happening until it already was over. How his hand suddenly was at my cheek and his lips on mine. It was a chaste kiss, nothing that asked for more , over before it had begin and still I was startled.  
All of this is a dream right? When I wake up tomorrow I will me back in my room, MY room actually and I can go through the vent and see Vincent. My Vincent.


	101. Day 105

I can't tell how often they checked on my during the night, but it feels like I haven't really slept at all. I'm all worn out, almost like being hungover and I'm terribly annoyed. So when my doctor came and asked me if I had any pain in my abdomen I snatched at her that I was shot into my shoulder.  
And that's when I realized what all of this was about. I was ten days late. I was. I just thought that it was due to all of what has happened to me. I mean menses doesn't work like clockwork. But I never have been that late and I never had to worry about it. Still…I worried about it some days ago like…. like I had known. So this .. their behavior… was this about that?  
So I … was pregnant?

I couldn't help myself. I asked her. Yes her, she's the only woman apart from Alex who I have met here. She was part of the examinations but always stayed in the back. I figured that there has to be at least one woman here, but…. I was… I really was pregnant and this is so surreal. How could they have known? I mean… when did it happen then? … when he… was in my room?…. I … it's so surreal… didn't I notice? Did I? Was me worrying knowing it? Was this why Vincent looked at me like that? Or White? Or Peter? She said yes. Why would she lie? It has to be a mistake. It has to. And still…. "them". I didn't mishear that did I? But it has to be wrong…. It just… has to.

I had no idea how much time had passed until White showed up again and made me realize that I hadn't touched my lunch. Peter was with him, standing in the back at the door watching us. When they look earnest like that they almost could be father and son. Strange things come into your mind when you are in shock. I think I was in shock, I still am. A part of me still refuses to believe it, even though the other seems to know. But I can't mourn, or did I? Did I stare for hours at nothing because… I lost Vincent's child?  
And I keep hearing Peter saying that I saved him, everytime I looked at him I heard it. I wasn't really able to look at White, Sorenson, when he spoke to me. But he looked pleased, like he had waited for exactly this. I guess I was as pale as Death's horse.  
I really can't remember what he said to me, but apparently it wasn't important, or maybe it was. I just can't seem to make myself care. Instead I tried my best not to stare at Peter but at White. Even though it wasn't important to me. I just wanted him to leave as fast as possible.

Peter… I don't know what is worse. Knowing nothing, or knowing everything, or believing to know nothing, still doubting if everything is a lie. I know what Vincent meant now. And I'm not sure if I really want to know what Peter comes to tell me. And yet I am glad that he does. That he waits until Sorenson leaves to sit don onto the rim of my bed to tell me about Vincent.  
He is still restraint and the probably won't unchain him because he doesn't change back. I can still hear his words ring in my ears telling me that Vincent, my Vincent has lost it. That he only stayed calm for as long as he saw me.

So somewhat Peter got exactly from me what White wanted: he got me asking, pleading even. I needed to know when I was going to see Vincent. or if. What I was supposed to do, what I had to do to see him. Maybe I shouldn't have asked.


	102. Day 106

You know, Peter didn't ask me for anything. Maybe I did him wrong, but he didn't tell me or promise me anything either. He just said that it wasn't his decision to make. And I nodded, allowing him to leave without another word.  
Now that I have seen him with Sorenson this one thought keeps going over and over in my head. But this can't be, can it? They can't be related, can they?  
I feel so tired, so worn out. And somehow I know it's not just the injury, or my menses. I know and yet it is so hard to believe.  
And now…. once more all I can do is wait, and try to evade my own thoughts. These pictures in my minds that create nightmares even when I am awake, that make me so restless that I wish I could beast out and destroy something.

-

I'm back in my room. Rather my new room and I have no idea how actually far away it is from where ever Vincent is. I don't care that Peter had power over me now as well, since he is the only one talking to me about Vincent's whereabouts. I know that sooner or later he will ask something of me and I guess I should prepare for everything.

I guess it's because I'm still bleeding that I don't get to see him and somehow knowing that helps


	103. Day 108 part one

I don't know what to write and I don't want to. It's like being demoted, even worse like that. I can't go out of this room, not even work out. I have to rest, Peter said. Still he hasn't asked for anything, but he hasn't told me anything either. I have everything I need in my room, or what a normal person might need. Here's nothing that I really need. I don't need a laptop, I need to know how Vincent is, I don't need books, I need to know what they are planning on him. And I need to keep myself, my mind occupied because I feel going insane. I can't concentrate on anything. So I make Yoga, Thai Chi, stare at the wall and don't move. And I wait, and wait and wait.  
I don't bleed anymore. I feel fine, as far as possible. I don't think about what has been, because it's over. It's only making me more insane. I don't want to think about it, because I keep catching myself with being relieved that I have bled. I mean… it was … two weeks? Maybe? So it doesn't really count. It doesn't. They say it's safe with three months, then it counts. I wouldn't even have noticed if it hadn't been for them.  
And now… there is the possibility. It could happen. What if it did? What if I would keep it? What would they do with it once it was born? What… what if I didn't lose it but they took the chance to take it from me? What will happen to me? Or with Vincent? Peter said I saved his life. Was be being shot and losing it saving Vincent's life? Or me escaping? I know how White looked like but still what if this also was planned? He said he is not as important as Vincent, so there is someone behind him as well. Someone who had decided that Vincent was expandable. If he is, I am too, right? If I become pregnant again, he is expendable again. What if he doesn't turn back? What if I cannot make him turn back? Will they kill him? Will they kill me? or will they … give me to four as the other one suggested.  
I'm not paranoid. I know that there are people in the back, pulling strings. White is not the boss of this place, or is he? Has he fooled me? Is it Peter? Are they really related? Does the age difference even fit? What if they are brothers? … this would make so much more sense. But it wasn't Peter's voice in Sorenson's office, was it? I know that there is at least one more. And I will call him Black. I need to find out who he is. I need a purpose, I need to focus, I need to stop thinking about what I can't stop thinking about.

I never, ever have destroyed something in my live. I never, ever have become violent or attacked something. Often I have thought about it but I never dared to do it I think. My Laptop is … well…. ruined. I didn't manage to break my chair when I threw it at White but the laptop … not that it was of any use. I would never us it as a diary.  
"Your vitals are stable", he told me rationally. "So you're going to get back to work tomorrow."  
You can imagine that I wanted to be excited and happy and euphoric but I already knew better. So I didn't freak out in happiness. White noticed with a furrowed brow, he almost looked amused. And that was when I lost it. I guess it was about time. I took the laptop from my table and smashed it to the ground right in front of his feet, throwing over my chair when I got up. He was standing anyway and fr the first time I obviously had taken him by surprise totally.  
I wanted to say, to yell so much at him, but I couldn't. i was so angry and it made me even more angry. I didn't recognize myself. The blood in my veins was rushing so fast, I could sense it burning my nerves. And the air I sucked in seemed so cold in contrast.  
The fact that he waited, that he appeared to be even more amused, made me furious.  
"If you take me to four …!" I shouted at him, incapable to bring out more, because of almost hyperventilating.  
White was surprised again, even though he should have known that I had heard about that suggestion.


	104. Day 108 part two

I tried to calm myself, I really did, but I couldn't, simply because that man didn't deserve it. And honestly what do I have to lose? If I don't see Vincent again: there's absolutely nothing I care about.  
"Let's see about that", he said after watching me trying to compose myself and that was is.  
"No!" I yelled at him and grabbed that chair between the two of us.  
I threw it into his direction, not really aiming - it's too hard actually - but I hoped it would hit him. Unlike the laptop the chair was unharmed, but White wasn't. Maybe I should call him Spot from now on. On the other hand I really don't want to see the bruises he got from me because that would mean he would have to lift his shirt. Now, afterwards I'm the one who is amused. And I really don't care about the consequences. He did't see that one coming, he didn't expect me to scream at him either.  
"We don't see anything!" I yelled at him - or something like that, I can't quite remember, I as so literally out of my mind. "Vincent, or no one." I think I repeated that. "Try me!"  
With that I grabbed the chair again. White left. And that was what I hadn't expected. I was prepared for him to hit me, to grab me, to hurt me, do whatever would pop up in that sick mind of his, definitely spank me, or … worse. But he left. He retreated. I had won.  
So I smashed that Chair against the door because I could. And it felt amazingly good. That rush, my burning veins. It was like I could breathe for the first time. Maybe I will regret it. I'm pretty sure that he will try to make me regret, that he will teach me a lesson. I won't think of the possibilities. He won't get me. I tried playing along with him. Let's see what happens if I do the opposite. What is there to lose?

I should have known better. Of course I should. I never have taken drugs but I bet it's just the same. You get that kick, that rush, this euphoria. You feel invincible. And then…. you crash. I expected… I'm not sure what I expected. That he would come and punish me, that he would send in the other two not dead soldiers who had molested me, that he would take me to four, just to make a point. I didn't expect that Peter would knock, that he would come and ask me if I was okay, that he would put the chairs back where they belonged while I sat on my bed like a pouting teen. I didn't expect him to ask me if I would care to go for a walk, that he guaranteed Sorenson wasn't waiting outside and that I wouldn't see him, that this was for me to clear my head.  
I should have known better. Why dis I still trust him? Because when you see at his face you can't imagine that it is up for something else than … being a nice guy. Those are the worst. I guess. I don't want to see behind that mask, I fear I'd get a glimpse of something way worse than White.  
He was so calm and friendly. I wouldn't say that he smiled, but the corners of his mouth were slightly lifted. It was just a hint and it was enough for me to feel…. not threatened. My Mom once told me that a smile can defeat every enemy. I guess she was right. Still it's so hard to believe that it was him. I keep catching myself maying explanations, excuses. Why is it so important to me that Peter is not one of them? Not entirely. Why? Because it would make him the most dangerous of them all? The most vicious? No…. I should stop thinking about that.  
Since I never have been in this part of the complex, I had no idea where we were going, so I tried to find something unusual, like a freshness of air or something. I knew that Peter would be looking at me, watching me and yet he was never a threat. I never thought that he would try to … hurt me.  
I don't know what I expected when he suddenly guided me towards a metal door and opened it. I didn't even shriek when he touched my lower arm, just looked at him and his expression hadn't changed. This should have made me wonder. When we entered a small, dim room I still wasn't worried. Why on Earth? I can't tell. Maybe I was numb again, maybe everything else than being all by myself locked in a room was better. No it's not. It never is. I should have known better.


	105. Day 108 part three

Even if I hadn't trust him, even if it had been Grey, or worse - I think I trust Grey more than Peter now, but honestly, why do I even remember the word? Why is it still part of my vocabulary?  
For a moment it was almost too dark to see when Peter closed the door behind us and it was instinct that I started breathing shallowly, that my heart sped up. It wasn't because of him. Yes, in another life, in my life before this, that seemed so far away that it felt like I had died in between, he would have been someone I liked, he would have been a crush, but in this life… there's no one else but Vincent.  
Speaking of.  
Peter opened the door. At least I thought. It was not until he shoved me through that opening that I realized that he couldn't have done it. I moved. I turned around. He followed. And then I felt it. Fear. Because his expression still hadn't changed, there still was this slight smile, just a hint, nothing more a mask would reveal that wasn't exactly at it's place. I think White would never manage to freak me out like I was in that moment when I looked into Peters dark eyes, because for a second they looked like holes.  
It was just the darkness. I know and still. It also was he fact that I was standing in a small version of Vincent's cage. Small, because I was able to see the other wall, because I instantly stood at the bars, that appeared to be immovable, no gate. The door was locked behind us. Us. Peter stood beside me and… Vincent.  
I froze when I saw him, because I first hadn't realized that he was there with us. And he wasn't really. That was the reason. But I knew it was him, the second I could see that figure at the wall. Not because I recognized him, but because I sensed it. He wasn't himself, he still was changed and he was chained to the wall by his wrists, which were put on the same height than his head, that now hung almost lifelessly down to his chest. The room wasn't bright, but light enough for me to see all those cuts and bruises, dried blood.  
Seeing him like that paralyzed me. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak, I couldn't tear my eyes away, and I couldn't breathe until I saw how his chest heaved slowly.  
"He's out", Peter's voice as much closer than it should be; I hadn't noticed that he had stepped beside me, actually one step behind me so that he could speak lowly into my ear. "Can't tell for how long. It's the only way how we can keep him restraint."  
I swallowed and only moved my eyes to look at him, because he was so close, while Vincent wasn't. So I stepped as close to the bars as i could. Still it was to far to reach through and touch him, which was why I didn't even try. I gripped tight the metal and almost pressed myself against it. I couldn't care less about the ache in my shoulder.  
"I'm here", I said softly. "Vincent, I'm here, I'm okay."  
There was a lump building in my throat. It was so excruciating to see him like that and not being able to touch him, to soothe him. Yet more terrifying was the fact that he was still changed even though they had obviously sedated him. I always thought that when he was sleeping, and calm that he would change back to his human appearance.  
"White thinks he is still aware", Peter was standing behind me. "That he can be awake. That he is just paralyzed. So maybe he can hear you."  
I thought that he wanted to encourage me to continue.  
He knows that I call Sorenson White but still it gave me goosebumps hearing him say my nickname for this man. It seemed like he didn't want to use the real name for him.  
"I don't know what to tell him", I heard myself whisper, even though he would hear that as well if he was awake.  
He was. I knew it. I knew he could listen to me, because for me it seemed like he was breathing a little bit faster.  
"Tell him what you did", Peter stepped closer; that close that I could feel him against the fabric of my shirt.  
This was too close and I instinctively pressed myself against the bars to evade him, which of course was wrong.  
"Tell him that you were rebellious", his mouth was right next to my ear now, and my hair was electrified.  
I was caged just like Vincent was now. But if I moved Peter would probably pull me out of this room and I wouldn't see Vincent. I had so much to lose right now. Still my mind was working on an explanation. May eyes searched the cage for a camera, a window, for me to know that White was here. But it was just Vincent, Peter and me.


	106. Day 108 part four

My heart was suddenly hammering so heavily that it felt like it was beating against the bar my chest was pressed against. To me in that moment he wasn't Peter, he was White and there was no explanation for this. Why I still thought of him as a friendly person, I don't know. I still don't. I think it was me fighting to keep a part of me a child, a part of me naive, unspoiled, and most of all pristine. I think I just needed that piece of hope saved, hope that there was someone else but Vincent and me still good. Though Vincent doesn't feel like it and I know that he has killed. I witnessed it. Yet he's not evil, he's been stained, yes, cursed - if you want to say it, yes, but he's not beyond saving. Everyone else… they are lost. It's like I'm trapped in Hell and all of them are demons, and all of them try to devour me. I feel like I have to become more them in order to save myself, but it's like I will give up what makes me different from them. And somehow… somehow I know now that Peter is the worst of them.  
"Tell him what you did", Peter added and I expected him to press himself against me, like all the others probably would have, but he didn't.  
He is the worst of them because he plays with my hope. White isn't able to do that, he has failed, and now I know why. Because he was always the open, the obvious opponent. He was the face of the devil. Even though he told me that he wasn't the head of the snake, the king on the chess board, he always acted like he was at least the queen. And now, now I'm not even sure if he's a bishop. I'd say he's a tower, always threatening, always present, and always predictable. And then there is Peter.  
I don't know why I write this. I think it helps me to focus. I have to. I feel like I'm losing. Everything.  
"Tell him that you destroyed Muirfield property, that you threw a chair after White, because you thought he wouldn't bring you back to him", Peter added and brought a hand to my neck, stroking back my hair, faintly touching my skin.  
And still I felt like I was freezing, because those fingertips were still burning. My eyes were glued to Vincent, and tried to bring a little space between the bars and myself, but that also meant getting closer to Peter. I was repeating to myself that I had to accept he was one of them and yet my mind was able to come up with explanations. He probably was being angry at me because I had used him and disappointed that Vincent was the only one I kept thinking about, that he had hoped for more. I remembered that he had slept next to me in my bed, drugged or not, but he had offered me comfort and I had betrayed him. Of course he would be mad at me. But why this?  
"Come on, Specialist Keller, wake-y, wake-y", Peter suddenly said and I became as cold and stiff as the bars in front of me.  
"See? He's totally out and that's your fault", I heard him talk lowly into my ear. "No reaction at all. If you were so special to him, wouldn't he burst out if it no matter what? Wouldn't he see me as a threat to you, being that close. Wouldn't he want to protect you from me?"  
I swallowed. I heard these words, I didn't understand him, all that was echoing in my mind was "Specialist Keller".  
"Why are you doing this?" I breathed out and tried to turn my head into his direction, but he was too close; I could smell his after-shave.  
Peter looked down at me, our noses almost touched, and that gaze made my bones resonate. I probably had asked the stupidest question ever asked in the whole universe. I could see it on his face, I had known it right from the start.  
This was stuff written in terrible books. This was something girls dreamed of: to have two men crave for her. I hadn't even ask for one.  
He didn't kiss me, though I knew he wanted to. There was only one thing he apparently wanted more and that was me to kiss him. Probably I stared back longer than I should have. Despite sounding so cruel and cold the moment I looked at him he wasn't and I know I should have been terrified. I should have known.  
There was a metallic sound that tore me out of it, made me realize what I was doing, moved my head back to the front, back to Vincent, and squeezed my heart in my chest. But it wasn't him, he hadn't moved. It must have been the door.  
"Peter", someone spoke on the other side and my hands gripped tight those bars, as I felt panic crawl up my legs from the cold ground.


	107. Day 108 - part five

I couldn't tell if I knew that voice, but Peter - despite my torn wishes - didn't leave. I hate myself for not wanting him to leave. How? Why? What even?! Vincent still didn't move and I was terrified of losing him. I guess that much that I clung to someone els to not lose myself too. I didn't deserve better, I don't. My head was spinning that wildly that I couldn't recall the sound of that voice the blink of an eye later. I couldn't tell if it had been demanding, warning, annoyed or pressing. But it had said Peter and I, I really thought that they would call themselves by family names, wouldn't they? So this could only mean that this was someone knowing him more than a colleague. Grey? Or White maybe? hadn't he promised that I wouldn't meet him? Technically this wasn't meeting him, and naturally his name wasn't White.  
I sensed Peter move. He had looked at the door and now I could feel his breath on my skin again.  
"Tell him why you are here", he said lowly, whispering, so I wasn't able to read the sound, to know if he was saying what he had to say or wanted to say.  
I had no idea. Why was I there? And again, I should have known.  
"To be punished?" I asked carefully and my eyes started burning when I looked up at him again, away from Vincent.  
These eyes were so dark again and I felt like they would swallow me. So dark and deep. Vincent's eyes were so different, they too had a depth, and yet they were so soft and warm, like I would never go astray in them.  
"You're here to say goodbye", Peter said and stepped away.  
All of the sudden the warmth of his body way gone and left me to cope with the words that just had left his mouth, dropping to the floor like dead pigeons. One could have heard a needle dropping,my breathe seemed to echo in that small cell. I didn't turn around to Peter, my grip around that iron tightened. I had known, deep inside. Of course White would react like that.  
"Vincent", I whispered first, and repeated louder. "Vincent. Please."  
I heard Peter move behind me. It made me flinch, but I didn't stop: "Vincent, wake up."  
I felt hands on my shoulders. His grip was soft, like he wanted to comfort me - so I thought - but then I realized that he was gently trying to pull me away. I shrugged him off and I could hear him inhale sharply.  
"Vincent", I spoke now, insisting gently, like I knew that this was what it was all about, that I had to make him come back, make him turn back into his human form.  
He was important, more important to me. I thought that Vincent, their 22, was the most promising of all their subject.  
"Come back to …" I wanted to end that sentence, but I shrieked as I felt Peter pulling at my shoulders more roughly, that strongly that I felt my fingers slipping from the bars.  
That moment I knew that he didn't want me to try bring Vincent back. I just hadn't known how important this might have been for him.  
"16, step back, that's an order", that voice hummed loudly from beyond the door and I, I tensed that strongly that I was close to cramping.  
"Peter?" I heard myself whisper highly as I turned around, pressing my back against the bars now, watching the word crumble around me.  
He was just the same. He didn't look different, though he breathed heavily. I just stared at him, hurling in a wake of terror, confusion and something that was close to empathy, because it explained so much. The way he had behaved at the beginning, and even now. But then I realized. Again my own stupidity. White had known that I had heard him. That I heard about four, he even let me met him. I was so dumb never to think of a possibility that there was maybe another Beast even more composed, or just the same, just not that qualified. And I, I of course never had expected that there might be one of them being able to walk around, carry a weapon and guarding my door. 16. P was the 16th letter of the alphabet. Was this a foul play again? I asked. And then, just in that moment, I could watch his black eyes slowly glinting bronze.  
How I wished in that moment that I was able to slip through that bars. How I wished that Vincent would wake up, to hear a snarl or a huff, but it kept being silent. Even worse I could watch Peter reacting to me pressing myself against the metal behind me, to me being shocked, and how it angered him. This and being ordered to step back from me. I could read it from him face, that question, why it was Vincent and not him. As if I had had a choice. And then it dawned on me that there had been point I could have made that choice and chosen Vincent. I knew that even if I had been aware, I probably wouldn't have chosen differently. And he knew. Peter knew.  
"Peter", I said his name and suddenly it sounded so strange, so foreign in my mouth like I never had said it out aloud before.  
He blinked and I knew he fought. And I am still asking myself if there had been any hints at all, if I could have known. And I…. I really think that he hadn't slept, that the sleeping powder didn't work, that he just had tasted it and went along with it. That he left that hastily because he didn't want me to see his reaction, to see this.

* * *

author's note: I won't be on for a few days. So if you can't wait for your daily dose, please check on thebeastandme on tumblr


	108. Day 108 part six

I was torn. I had no idea what to do. And I ended up in feeling like it was my fault that he was struggling. Yet I know it wasn't. I didn't make him like this, or Vincent. I hadn't brought any of us here. Still as I watched him change in front of me, slowly, as if he was able to control it, so differently from Vincent's beast bursting out, I felt terrified. Peter scared me and telling from his eyes, he knew and this was the worst thing of it all.  
"Why?" he growled lowly through his growing fangs and I honestly had no answer; I spend hours sitting here and asking myself and the only explanation I have is that he wasn't honest.  
No one was. Only Vincent. Right from the start he showed everything about himself, being ashamed of what he was. But there was no lying. He always is honest.  
I think he grew impatient as I failed to answer and as he moved towards me there was no way for me to retreat, even though I pressed my back against the bars, I still wouldn't fit through them.  
"Isn't that what you want?" Peter asked, but it wasn't anger in his voice; it was something else, hurt, and yet it sounded like a growl and he didn't stop approaching.  
"16, stand back", the voice from the door resonated into the room, still I believe that I heard it sound like the person didn't really mean it, and Peter behaved like that.  
He ended up towering over me and I shivered, trembled, shook, like dead leaved of a tree in a winter storm - I don't know how else to describe it. I thought I should hear my bones clank, until Peter's bronze eyes moved from mine to behind my back and I realized that Vincent was moving.  
If my heart could have beat any faster, it would have, if it had been able to make a jump without crashing it would have, but instead it crashed. It felt like exploding in my chest as I heard him wake. Vincent, my Vincent. And I can't remember if I had given up hope until that moment, because everything was washed out of my head that second he growled behind me. First lowly but ever growing, ending up in a snarl that was accompanied by his body trowing itself against the chains that had help him up until now.  
I couldn't move my head because Peter was too close to me. Though invading my personal space this time he showed enough respect not to touch me while he was glaring across my head baring his teeth towards Vincent.  
I now wonder why he behaved like that. So possessive. He took me there to say goodbye. I still feel that icy sting grasping me thinking of it. And I knew that it either meant they would kill me or give me to four until now. What if they told him that … what if he thought that they would give me to him? The way he behaved, baring his teeth and then… then he simply turned back. Like it was nothing. Like it didn't take any effort for him to change his appearance. Like it was just a switch. While Vincent was still growling behind me. Peter told me once that Vincent was a monster and now I get it. I understand what he meant.  
He just looked at me. I mean just when his face changed back to normal that glance he gave Vincent was almost mocking and again I could see what Vincent had meant, why he was so mad at his comrade. His comrade. They are both beasts! But when Peter looked at me that expression changed. Entirely. Like he was just waiting for me to react, almost pleading. He looked at me like there wasn't a furious man warped into a creature of wrath behind me pulling at shackles and chains.  
They told him he would have me and there was nothing in the world he wanted more. Now I can see that. He could have done anything in that moment. That door was still locked and Vincent was still caught and somehow I - with my hair standing up straight that moment - I knew that whoever was out there just wanted to know what would happen next.  
I was completely at Peter's mercy. In that very moment one could have said I was his, unwillingly or not. And I knew, I just knew he waited for me. He could have done anything. Anything. And he waited for my reaction, for my anything. And I, I didn't do anything. I just looked back at him, not knowing what to feel. It was too much. My mind quit until I heard something we both hadn't expect, maybe even the three of us, Peter, that guy behind the door and me:""Peter."  
Vincent's voice was distorted, low, inhuman, and still I could comprehend what he said and so did 16. I … I can't describe that look on his face when Vincent said his name. It was like these five letters had been bullets to his heart, like he had just killed him.  
Honestly I expected that Peter would just grab me and … I don't know … take what he thought he deserved, maybe? But he didn't. Instead he tensed. I could see the muscles in his neck tauten, I could see the color of his eyes turn again and he flinched, like he needed to hold himself back from doing something as they fell on me. His head slightly lowered, not even an inch and for less than a second and I knew what he wanted to do. He didn't. I never had witnessed Peter moving that fast. I just blinked and he was gone, standing next to the door with his back on me and his head almost hanging down. And I… I couldn't move.  
"Get her back." And that was it. That made Peter turn around with his face nothing but a blank mask. I realized it when he moved what these words meant. Black. I'm sure it was Black, who had watched us, maybe white was with him. I only caught a glimpse of Vincent when Peter reached out his arm so I would move. And he looked back at me. Still the beast he was and I think when I stepped through that door again, that I heard him whisper my name.

Now I'm back at my room. And as desolating as it was. I think, I maybe make the mistake to hope, that I'll see Vincent again. And that will be the only thing I'll think of until it happens.


	109. Day 109

I waited and waited and waited and waited and fought not to think of anything else but what I could remember of Vincent. His hair, long enough to fall into his eyes, brown as chocolate, slightly darker, his soft brown eyes with hints of caramel, close to amber. Those straight brows that crooked when he frowned, every time he was brooding, that high straight forehead, those dimples when he smiled, that angular chin that was just well formed enough to not appear compact.

I could go on and on and on, about his neck and shoulders and hands and arms but somehow that's not good either. I should stop thinking at all. But what else can I do? Read a book? Work out? That's what I did. When it was Breakfast time I had to admit that I was shocked to see that it was someone else entirely that brought me my food. Not Grey, not Peter, and not White. It was a middle-aged man I don't know. He didn't say hi, didn't smile. Just brought my food and left. And I have to admit that it hurts, though I know it's probably better.

I have to admit that I haven't felt so alone ever since I got there. I have to admit that despite everything I somehow miss him. Peter. It's evening now and I still haven't seen him or Grey, or anyone but that man I don't know. He's like a ghost. Maybe I'll call him that. Yet I still keep thinking. Even though I didn't want to.  
Honestly I always thought that Grey was also my guard, just like Peter. But knowing now that Peter is actually a number, that he is 16, that he was Vincent's comrade, that he is a Beast, that keeps me thinking. And maybe I rather think about that than let myself worry about Vincent. I just hope that he is okay. I just hope that he got better. I just hope that they won't kill him. I just hope that I will see him again.  
I thought Grey was guarding me as well but what if he in fact was monitoring Peter?  
It makes sense, doesn't it? Why else would they need two people standing in front of an electronically locked door, in a complex with extreme surveillance? No one would actually need to stand in front of my door. Like they do now. So why put one person in front of it? Why even two? If not one is tested and the other is monitoring?  
So it was Grey then behind that door?  
It makes so much more sense now. All that Peter was allowed to do; to talk to me, to befriend me, that he could kiss me despite the cameras and still come back. Because they watched him as well. They watched us. They probably wanted to figure out how human he still is. and he is. I didn't notice. There was nothing different. Even when he was anxious, nervous, even when I betrayed him to get that card he was in complete control! Is absolutely everything a test?  
And being that perfect, exactly what White must have hoped for, why hasn't he gotten someone to accompany him? Or has he? I doubt it. Why else would he …. want me? And the way he behaved… it would explain everything if he doesn't understand it either. Maybe he's asking what he has done wrong, why he, who is that perfect soldier doesn't get his reward. I guess he doesn't realize that this might be a test as well. Maybe they want to figure out his breaking point. This is so cruel, this is so insane. I can't … I just… does this madness ever stop?

I've died and this is hell. What did I do to end up here? Maybe to save Vincent. Maybe to save Peter as well. But you know. It's easy to say this is Hell. It simply explains it. But I know I'm not dead. I know this is Earth, this is life and all of them are humans not devils. How can humans do such things? Maybe it's better to be a beast then, to not be human at all.


	110. Day 110

My shoulder is still aching but it's getting rapidly better. But since I don't have any experience in that I can't tell if this is normal. Then again why should I care about normal, since absolutely everything here is the opposite of that. I ask myself why I even still care, why I make myself keep hoping. For what? There will always be something around the corner, waiting for me to pull myself together. I don't even know if I will see Vincent again. Or anyone. I wouldn't be surprised if they just forget to bring me food, or add a lid to the door so that they only have to slide though the tabled. Like in my first cell. Why do I even have it this comfy?


	111. Day 111

Working out. Even though my shoulder hurts. There's nothing else I can do. I'm isolated again. No one talking to me. I can hear them now and then passing by. But no one is stopping, apart from the time that door opens and I get my food from the Ghost. And that's it. They want to drive me insane or they don't care. Luckily this comes in pair around here. I just… I just need to know if Vincent is fine and what they will do to me.

I try to regain flexibility slowly on my arm and the pain somehow is soothing. it's distracting me. Luckily I'm more tired and I guess that's from the injury. Somehow I know that it's everything else as well. It has taking its toll. I'm not a machine. I'm not invincible. I'm tired. And now. I feel like I am getting used to being alone, that I kind of start to like it. Don't get me wrong I worry about Vincent. I need to see him, but somehow I'm just too tired to demand it. And to whom anyway?. I just hope that me being locked in here means that they are working on Vincent getting better. And that somehow keeps me together.


	112. Day 112

Please forgive me. Please forgive me. How will you when I can't? Why didn't I notice? Why didn't I …  
Again I should have known. But I felt… like I feel now even more: sedated. Numb. I felt alive for that short amount of time they pulled me out of my room. I will never ever let them take me again. NEVER.

Should I've seen it when it was White himself with Ghost who came to take me? I don't know. I don't even want to think about it. Now it's too late. It has happened. I cannot change it, I cannot undo it. I just have to live with the consequences even if I might not be able to. I don't want to blame it on anything else but my own stupidity and yet…. no. It's too late. I… I don't even want to write it down. It will only become more real….more true. Not writing it down…. it's denial it's refusing to accept it and … yet it might be the only chance to explain. To say I'm sorry, to show you that I didn't mean to. But will you know? When I doubt myself? Because I should have known? Why didn't I? Did I want it to happen?

I was kind of excited. Which is why I wasn't really observant. Can one blame me? I didn't know -if it was too early. For anything. I just kept silent ant walked, looking at the way we were taking. White didn't say anything, he just gripped tight one of my upper arms, while Ghost held the other. They walked as if there wasn't enough time. I didn't care. I don't even know how it feels like now. I have glimpses of it but…

They put me into what I though was that first cage. Where they brought me the very first time. When I got my scars. White still didn't say something but I thought to hear him talk to Ghost as he closed the door. About something like. "Once" and "once again." And I just assumed that me meant me. That I didn't i once and I would do it once again. I remembered telling him that I could soothe Vincent. And I had brought him out of his fugue state. We could start over again. And I believed that. I really, truly believed that.

And one moment later that door was open again and they came back in. To chain me against the wall and blindfold me. Just like in the beginning. I heard one leave and then it wasn't like the beginning anymore.  
I am sure that it was White. Because… he didn't just pull and rip my clothes off, he let his hands explore my body, like he was exterminating me. Just before he hit e with his flat palm on my rear. I barely made a sound. Only barely. I still think that he wanted to hear just that: me suppressing sounds. And then… I can hear these words, like he is whispering them into my ear right now. I almost can hear his breath on my skin, saying these words as he turned me around, so that I would face the room: "You know where I will be", his fingers enfolded my chin. "And you know that I will watch."

I just thought that he wanted to scare me, that he wanted to make me believe that I was in danger, that something awful would happen, so that I would freak out and he could enjoy the show why I wouldn't. I swore to myself I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. I would be calm and use my position to show Vincent that I was no harm. I just wanted him to be here with me.  
My heart raced in excitement as I heard the other door open, as I hear a low growling purr. Of course he wasn't back to human. I didn't mind. I was almost used to this. I though. Why do I think so much?

He was there within a breath take and he hesitated. Just like I expected. Somehow I didn't dare to say anything. I just listened to his shallow breath, that sounded like he was holding it. When I wanted to tell him, that it was okay, suddenly I felt his clawed hands on my skin, where White had touched me just before, grazing up gently, like he had missed me so much that he was scared to break me, or that I would turn into dust. It made me shiver. In anticipation. Yet I didn't dare to say anything, I didn't want him to freak, to lose that little control he obviously had.  
I was just stunned by his caution and this intensity. I had missed this so much that I felt like drowning in my senses. Even more when he ended up between my legs. I hadn't expected for him to be so … gentle.

I was imprisoned between impatience and going over and that forced sounds out of my throat that I hadn't heard for some time. And I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it way to much. How I missed this grazing heat hunting through my veins, feeding on my nerves, threatening to push my over that invisible pedestal I tried so hard to balance on. When I was about to tell him to finally get inside me he did.  
And it was … different as I remembered, different as I expected, though I cannot tell why I felt like that. Just.. with Vincent… coming to this point had always been another increase of tension. It's like arriving on the last line before … no it was like reaching the top after a fast climb and starting to run for jumping of. And this was how I knew that it wasn't him. I never thought that it was possible to have a climax without the rapture that mixed itself into the pain turning into something indescribable.  
When he came and pulled me over with him I just felt the panic of the fall and his lips, searching mine felt like invading me. It wasn't him holding me so close that I couldn't breath. It was the realization. And that same emotion filled my eyes with acid tears that instantly run down my face.  
Of course he noticed, he could taste them and even before I felt his hand at my blindfold I gasped out. "No… Peter."  
I think the devastation in his eyes was worse than mine and I know in that moment, why White had said these words: to be part of his lie, to make Peter believe that I wanted this. And he, White's 16, framed my face with his hands. I never have seen anyone that heartbroken than him, despite that image mirroring in his eyes.  
"No", he pulled out and away, yet the sound of his voice and that faint glint in his glance scared me.  
Shackled to the wall and bare naked I watched his shoulders tremble, his whole body started shaking and I saw the whole outcome, how he changed. Even Peter wasn't able to control his beast when it came to emotions and that deafening growl that slashed out his throat was a weak expression of the anger and pain I aw in his bronze eyes as he turned back to me.  
"Peter", I gasped out, before I saw that tear running down his cheek.  
He made me tremble, his gaze made my bones shake.  
My perception wasn't fast enough. The next thing I sense was his fists crashing into the wall right next to my head. Peter's eyes were closed as his forehead touched mine just as carefully as he had touched me before. And then I heard another crashing sound. My head followed, watching Peter smashing against that door I had come through.  
"Clay!" his voice was oddly clear despite his form.  
I felt how he searched for words and I kept wondering, why he didn't simply tell him that he would kill him, but instead he calmed down, pressing his head against the door as if he already was resigning. What I heard him whisper… I don't know if I heard him right. If I did…. if he really said that…. then I …then I am completely lost.  
Peter was fully back to human as he walked back towards me, so much slower than he possibly was able to. He enfolded my face and kissed me, briefly, and I was too stunned to try to evade him. He left and moments later Ghost came out to free me. There was no way of me putting on that rags White had left. So I just pressed them against me on the way back.

I showered and showered even though the water turned cold. Even if I see Vincent. there's no way I can… what if I… It's not really possible that shortly after a miscarriage. My shoulder hurts again.

Peter's words keep echoing in my head along White's, or Clay's. Sorenson's name is Clay. I am sure. I know. I mean. It has to be his name when I heard Peter right and this is too insane and too crazy…. I just can't believe this. This is a bad joke. I must be in a coma and make this up. Please just let me wake up. Please let all of this not be real. I know this would mean I never met Vincent and still this would be the best for all of us.  
This can't be true. This can't be true. It must mean buddy or friend or something but Peter didn't call Vincent like that. And… I noticed it before. Still… my head won't stop shaking. No. He will never help me, he will never help us.  
"Clay… brother, why do you hate me that much?"


	113. Day 113

I feel like … being stripped from all strength. I can't move. It's not like my muscles hurt. I just can't move. I can't get up.  
I didn't sleep in my bed. I took my pillow an blanket into my bathroom along with a chair and blocked the door. I sat in that little space between shower and basin, as under my basin is the board for fresh towels and dirty clothes. I sat there. I don't know if I slept. I think I have. I still sit here., as I write. I didn't take this book with me to write, I took it with me because of Vincent's pages, to have him close. Even though I'm not sure if I could bare having him close to me for real now. Not after what has happened.  
Outside the lights went on and I know that they will bring my food. I'm hungry but I lost my appetite. Maybe I should just…. stop eating.


	114. Day 114 part one

I get my food in here and eat little. I don't know why I feel safer in this small room. It's not that I know or believe that there's no camera here. They would have checked on me if there wasn't, right?  
And that's when I heard something out of schedule. Maybe because I kept the fork. The knifes aren't sharp enough to hurt anyone, a fork might work. It won't be enough for me to try hurting myself but I'm sure it will be enough to stab whoever wants to get me out of here.

I knew who it was. Dr. Clay - or was it Ray - Sorenson. Not that his full name will help me in any way. But in the case that someone out there read this. Maybe it helps. Maybe you shouldn't try to find him. If you want to continue living a normal life.  
He knocked. I didn't answer.  
"Catherine, we had a deal", White said in his formal tone. "Locking in yourself and stealing a fork isn't included to that deal."  
I didn't answer to that.  
"It's your choice", he added and he knew that I figured what he meant with that: he had more pull.  
"Peter is your brother", I heard myself say and I cannot even remember having the thought that should have appeared in my head before me speaking; maybe I spoke out aloud my thoughts.  
It's like I'm watching everything from the inside, like I've stepped back from the monitor that are my eyes, like I'm trying to hide myself within myself.  
Now he didn't answer.  
"I really like talking to you, Catherine", he said instead after I don't know how long. "But I prefer to speak to your face and not a door."  
Threat resonated in his voice. I know now that there is no line that he wouldn't cross to get what he wants.  
"How could you do this to your own brother?" my voice sounded so relaxed.  
"I will tell you what you need to know, but to your face", he sounded as if he started to become impatient.  
I don't know how or why I got up and I can't remember pulling the chair away, just that all of the sudden the door was open and I looked into that face. And how my hand moved quickly. The next picture is my fist trembling, being stopped right before his eyeball, just before the prongs would rupture it. I felt the pain, though it was strangely distant, when the left side of me face was smashed against the door frame. The grip on the back of my head was lessened when White held up his hand and the one who also had stopped my hand let go of me and stepped behind him. I felt shock in my stomach like a dozen ice cubes. It was a woman, a female beast and when I looked at her, her feline eyes stared back and she tilted her head like a cat would look at a new toy. I never had seen her before.  
"This is 20", White pointed at her. "I had the feeling I would need someone with her skills when I come to visit you."  
I bet in human form she was beautiful, with her copper-y skin, her long black hair, slender but athletic. And her eyes probably would have been olive-colored, now they almost glowed like gems. Her behavior wasn't threatening towards me now.  
"There is no human intelligence left in her", White explained, but I'm not so sure, because standing behind him she still looked at him when he talked about her, even though just briefly, It could have been his voice, attracting her attention. "And she doesn't shift back. Unfortunately. Otherwise she would have been the perfection of your researches, since she is absolutely loyal and obedient."  
I dared to look at her and she looked back. If it hadn't been for her eyes and the teeth I wouldn't even notice that she was different. But it where her hands, those claws. She looked like she was stuck in the shift.  
"I chose not to work on her more, because she is most useful as she is now to me", White continued. "Unfortunately, she doesn't allow any man near to her but me."  
"That's a lie", I heard myself answer.  
"Any male", White had this proud look on his face again and I felt sick. Yes, I, I could feel it in my stomach. He was pulling me back onto the surface. I didn't want that.  
"What about Peter?"  
"Peter", he scoffed. "He didn't understand that there are either soldiers or beasts, not both. He didn't understand that in order to have you he would have to cross that line. He wasn't able to see that line. I would never make an exception for him. That was the deal."  
"That is why you didn't tell him about what this experiment was actually about?" I inquired, the only thing to keep myself together was asking questions and I still can't tell why he answered to me, maybe because he needed someone to tell those things, because no one else … understood?  
White looked at me and there it was again that crack in his perfect facade.  
"He's your brother!" I made one step towards him and 20 flinched; so I stopped.  
"Half-brother", White spit out and froze.  
He hadn't wanted to tell me that, but it was out. It wasn't his glance that made me regret asking, nor his posture, it was the fact that 20 tight grip had forced me to drop my fork and that I wasn't able to fight him off as he grabbed me at my throat and pressed me against that door frame my face had kissed moment ago.  
There it went. The final barrier. Not that Clay "White" Sorenson ever had had respect for me. I think he had been fond of me, like I had been one of his favorite pets, no lab rats on which he wouldn't want to make the lethal experience and now it felt like that had gone.


	115. Day 114 part two

The female beast called 20 just tilted her head again. She is taller than me. I'd say almost as tall as Vincent. He wouldn't allow White to touch me like that. I think Peter wouldn't either…. 22 and thoughts trailed off if they had a beast for every letter in the alphabet, if they had chosen them because of it. How crazy this would be, yet possible. White pressing his body against mine, pulled my attention back to him.  
"Ever since he invaded my life he had to be part of everything. When he joined the army I thought I would be finally rid of him, but then he started studying medicine there! And he actually applied for MY project. So when he asked for not getting special treatment, because of being my little bother, I happily obliged", White told me as he realized my eyes on him. "What an irony that he would be the only one ending up like …" there it seemed as if he almost had spilled a name - "… we wanted to….. just a little bit too weak. How could I have known that a lower dose would have done it."

I let these words sink in, but I didn't comprehend them until now. Peter was a doctor as well. Probably he had followed his older brother because of admiration. I know that problem, I now how annoying a little sibling can be. I have a little sister… Heather… how devastated she must be, thinking that I am dead. That I have burned to death. How lost. I can perfectly remember how often we two have fought, how often I have told her that I hated her, and how annoying she is. And now… I never meant it. Does she still believe it? I was always sure that she knew how much that little brat means to me. Maybe that's what Peter thought as well? That Clay's whole behavior wasn't what he meant? When it was exactly what he meant? I feel so sick thinking this.

I was just staring at him. Like I said, I wasn't really there and it annoyed him. White was just so angry, like a wounded predator and I couldn't understand why he was so pissed. And 20. She just stood there in something like innocent curiosity, like a kitten watching two older cats fight for the first time in its life. But me, I wasn't fighting. My weak attempt to hurt White had been stopped without having any chance of success. Still White wasn't satisfied. Was that the reason? The ice spread in my stomach as he simply glared back at me. I expected him to violate me any moment, but then again: I was unclean. I was the breeding mare for his favorite beast and now for his brother whom he had turned into a … weaker beast? Maybe that was it. Was this something he didn't order? Was this something someone else had ordered him to do? Black? It could be an explanation for his entire behavior but at that moment it didn't come into my mind.

I recall that I was asking silently what we was going to do to me next. Maybe it was written in my eyes, maybe White pulled himself together, maybe he didn't. However he made a step backwards, his hand still at my throat but he brushed my clammy hair out of my face which was weird.  
"You are not going to lock yourself into your bathroom, or I'll have the door removed", he demanded. "You are going to clean yourself up and you are eating at your table and most of all you return the cutlery every time or you will have to eat with your hands. If you behave like an animal I will treat you like one."  
I didn't respond. Even though in the back of my head I heard a voice whisper that he already was doing so.  
He let go of me entirely. Again my eyes wandered to 20 who was still looking at me thought her green-ish glowing eyes.  
"And don't worry about 16", White straightened his clothes, looking down at himself to make sure he wouldn't look deranged.  
"I don't… understand", I heard myself speak.  
"I am sure that this has no consequences", he explained and looked at me as if he knew I would be grateful, but I also knew that he would make sure that it was his decision who….  
"Four?" my voice broke and White, who was just about to leave stopped.  
His look was almost pitiful but somewhere proud.  
"That, my little dove, depends on you", he smiled and I felt ill. "Stick to the deal and we will talk about it."  
With that he and 20 left and I did what he wanted without thinking about it. I am all cleaned up, just like my room. I made my Yoga and my Thai Chi because I know he is expecting me to do that. I write all of this down, because I know he wants me to.

I meat a lot of Beasts being here, but four of them more closely. 22,16, 20 and 4.  
There is 22, Vincent, my Vincent and I never would call him a beast. He was a soldier, before that he was an intern at a hospital in New York. He lost his brothers at 9-11 and was so devastated by that loss that he signed up and got into this program.  
16, which I know as Peter, who is somehow even more tormented as Vincent. He is White's brother, half-brother, also a doctor and followed his brother into this. He damned himself and I believe that he slowly is realizing this.  
Now I have met 20, the first female beast I have seen more closely. And I keep wondering how she got here. Somehow she appears to be stuck between the human and the beast form and she seems so innocent, so unaware.  
And then 4. The number alone freaks me out because he is what White is threatening me with. He can shift, but its volatile, just like his behavior. And this scares me, even more because the way he looked at me, it's like he knew White's plans.


	116. Day 115

Establishing a protocol.

5 am practicing Yoga.

5:45 am shower and redressing

6 am Breakfast

6:30 Thai Chi

8 am studying

10:00 am probably back to the gym in the future, when trust is reestablished, until then: Thai Chi

12 am Lunch

12:30 studying

3 pm probably sessions or conversations if needed, until then: Thai Chi

6 pm Dinner

6:30 pm Yoga

8 pm distractions

10 pm Bed

Nothing out of the ordinary to write down. No visitors despite … Ghost.


	117. Day 116 - Day 121

Day 116  
Nothing to write down. This day went by like the one before.

Day 117  
Same. I think I will only report things out of the ordinary now.

Admin: there are no entries for the days 118-121


	118. Day 122 part one

I have been here for four months.

I am writing because I feel like I should make an entry. It's not like I don't stare at the pages every day for the last days. there is just nothing to tell. I do what I am supposed to do. I wait. There is no tension left in me that wonders and worries. I don't know how I stopped. It just… happened. It's not like I don't feel anything. There's just a big nothingness inside of me. Like someone took something away. I feel … hollow.  
They left me alone. I just followed routine and it's fine. I guess. I try to distract myself as good as possible and I got quite good at Thai Chi. My shoulder gets better every day. What else should I write? There's nothing to tell. I have no visitors. No news. No nothing.  
I know what White could turn me into. I know to whom White could send me to. I know that White has no remorse. I just hope that me waiting means that they are trying to fix Vincent. Whatever this means. It just… I'm just worried that this means… for him … I don't want to think about what he is going through. If he wonders…. worries… I'm not allowed to panic. I'll return to my schedule now. Lunch is over.

Like I knew. I just knew that something would happen today. Whit is somewhat still predictable. He came to me on the afternoon. Sticking to my schedule. Which has been the same from the start. He picked me up along with Grey and that alone makes me worry about Peter. I was so sure that Grey would be his monitor, his guard, or whatever they call it. Only on rare occasions Peter was without him and I almost never saw Grey alone. What does that mean? Is White honest about what he said? Is Peter now 16 to all of them?

But… I won't say that this is not important. I just… I got to see Vincent again. I don't expect anything. I had forgotten how one does think, maybe even how to feel. I can't remember the walk, the way, the corridor, the door. I can't even remember how the doors were closed behind me. There's no memory in my head of what did happen until… until I felt his clawed hand on my cheek, his breath on my skin. At first. I swear I was so sure that it was four that I backed off. Until I saw that expression in his emery-golden eyes. Not anger, not frustration, but pain and worry, almost fear.  
And that was when I head my own voice breaking, asking insecurely his name: "Vincent?"  
He stepped forward, hesitating as I flinched, freezing in his movement because I couldn't bear it anymore. All I saw was a Beast. And I have seen four close, three of them even closer and I … I just couldn't. I was incapable of moving towards him and he wasn't able to say that it was him. He still was imprisoned in this warped form, in this beastly appearance and I was … I was broken.  
But there was something in the way he behaved. So carefully, so …. composed. And most of all his eyes. They were so familiar. The way he looked at me…. I don't know how long it took me to realize, to recognize him. My back was already touching the wall behind me, when I did.  
"Vincent", I heard myself gasp out and he knew; he knew that I recognized him and he moved towards me.  
And just when he did, those barred gate moved to separate us again.  
Before I knew what I was doing, I shouted "No" and pushed myself away from that wall leaping forward. Somehow I was fast enough to get past it, even though I his my arm against the metal. But… I crashed into his grasp, he caught me, saved me from being crushed, pulled me against him. And I couldn't care less what he was looking like, even though that scar across his cheek almost seemed to glow.  
The next thing I know was me gently stroking across that freshly healed scar while he just looked at me, like I was his long lost treasure which was finally returned to him. And I…I still know how his hair feels beneath my fingers, and how it felt to entangle them into his hair, to frame his face, to pull it towards mine, to crush my lips onto his, to eventually, finally kiss him, despite those fangs, to feel his arms wrap around me tightly, to press my bod against his, and how desperately it feels to want to melt into him, so that they can never tear me away.  
I know it sound so insane, but I needed to feel him. I was stripped away from him for so long that I wasn't able to remember and in that moment Peter and what had happened, didn't surface in my thoughts. I just needed Vincent and I didn't care how. It was like I had been death and his touch along was bringing me back to life. I am not sure if that was really White's intention, or if he just underestimated the effect it would have on my to have him back. My Beast, my Vincent, my life.


	119. Day 122 part two

I'm not sure if I was meant to get past those bars. Somehow I really expected that I wouldn't make it and I thing White hadn't planned for me to achieve that. Yet the gate stayed no, Vincent didn't rip my clothes off, he held me so tight and so close that I barely couldn't move. I think not even an other beast would have managed to tear me away from him in that moment. his body was trembling against mine and I'm not sure for what reason. I think it was a little bit of all: the excitement to have me back, the adrenaline rushing through his system, him trying not to lose it, hoping to shift back, fighting down his desire, because he didn't want us to go there while he was like that.  
I snuggled my face to his neck, wrapping one arm around his back and rested one on his collar bone, hoping to calm him down a bit, so show him that I wasn't planning on going anywhere, even though somewhere in the back of my head I was scared to hell, paranoid, that they would somehow manage to tear me away from him. But White could have appeared himself. I wouldn't move and something told me that Vincent wouldn't let me go.  
You are probably wondering why I am able to put this down into my diary.  
You won't believe it, because I am not believing it, even now as I sit on a Queen sized bed in a large room which is actually just like the cage I first met Vincent, and it's even quite comfortable. It reminds more of a warehouse because despite the dark and gray there is actually day light through tiny windows in the highest corner of that wall which is separated from us through the bars. Yes, I wrote us. Because Vincent is sleeping right now with his head on my stomach.  
No, he hasn't changed back, though it has lessened, he's still trembling a bit, twitching and flinching in his sleep, but it has lessened. I guess he can't believe himself that we are here.  
How we got into this room? Well, they just opened a door and waited. They don't even told us to go through there. Which I didn't. he just lifted me up and carried me through. I guess this was once his room, until he went out of control, before I came here. I wasn't able to ask him. He let me down once we were in there and that door was closed. Don't misunderstand I am sure that they are still monitoring us. And… my diary was already here, along with my books and my iPod in a carton. Like someone suddenly had decided to put us two together into a room. I can't help but think that this isn't White's doing. It can't be.  
I wandered around to check on the place while Vincent was keeping tabs on me and then I found the carton with my stuff and the diary. I got curious if someone had written into it again but there was nothing. And since he had been following me I just sat down and waved at him to join me and he just crashed, almost literally. Ever since he has been sleeping, like he hasn't slept for days.  
I still feel the prints of his claws in my side from the first nightmare he had, but when I started stroking his hair it became better. He sleeps and feels like a stone, but I don't mind. I don't even care that I am getting hungry. I just hope that my stomach won't start to make sounds. He holds me so tight that it hurts when he flinches, but the tears in my eyes don't come from the pain, not the physical. I just… can't imagine what he has been through and I keep wondering what has happened to him, what he must have been thinking. And that scar… where did it come from? From his escape? I can't see it because it's on the right side of his face and that one is resting on my stomach.  
I'm not sure what to expect. I am afraid of what might be coming next. I just can't believe that they would let us be together. Not like that. I remember the last time Vincent slept over, the only time. And I am at his place now with a carton of my stuff here. Is this real? Is there a bathroom? And a closet with clothes? So many questions, but I… I don't want to move, because I am afraid that this is the last time we might be together.

* * *

So I've decided to publish a Kindle version, because of various reasons (as I was aksed to). It will be edited and some entries will be -not changed- but extended. As you might not know: for smart phones and tablet there is a kindle-app for free!

If you want to help me out and be a part of tBam:, tell me:  
- is there anything on the story that's a thorn in your side  
- how much would you want to spend on the Kindle version! (I was thinking about 89 ct)

In exchange leave your stamp in the story: tell me  
- what kind of books Cat should have  
- that the other paintings in Cat's room are  
- make suggestions about the building complex they are kept  
- and so on!

in also: I am not an artist, so I probably won't make a good cover, so if you want to submit a suggestion, please feel free to do so!  
Just remember that you should not use photographs and pictures you do not own!


	120. Day 123

I didn't even know that there was another door in the very left corner, when sitting on the bed, until I heard a metallic sound that made Vincent jump up, yesterday. So this is how we get food. And every time that slot is opened Vincent is full on adrenaline.  
I mean he's never threatening me, he just needs so long to calm down, even with me talking to him. It takes minutes. And then he barely eats, like his Beast sine doesn't know what to do with human food. But I don't think that this is the reason. He takes it, because I give it to him and then most of the time he keeps watching me eating and when I'm finished he keeps on watching my every move until I eventually return to the bed grab a book and start reading. And then he crashed on my stomach again and sleeps.  
Vincent only seems to find rest when I fondle his hair. He stops flinching and breathes more calmly. Actually this morning he was back to being normal, like human normal when I woke up. And I did before he did. Until that slot was opened. It was like flipping a finger. When he sleeps again and he really relaxes then he turns back, but only then. As soon as he wakes he changes again, needing what feels like an eternity to realize that I'm really here with him.  
I did my Yoga and my Thai Chi. With him watching me. The way he looks at me it's like he wants to protect me but also jump me in case I evaporate. To see him like this. It hurts. And I can't stop wondering what they did to him, what White did to him, what he must have been through.

He looks so peaceful.

I couldn't help it. I just had to try to kiss him and he didn't jump up or anything as I moved - just like last night I guess. Because I didn't try to get away. I just moved down the pillow and he repositioned himself, first to my chest, then to my shoulder. I don't know how, but I managed to do it: to kiss him while he was sleeping. And he… Vincent didn't even open his eyes, he just responded, maybe he thought he was dreaming. He didn't change, he just moved his hand into my hair and kissed me back softly, pulling me around onto his chest.  
I guess it was just in that moment when he slid his other hand under my shirt onto my back that he realized that he wasn't dreaming, because he held his breath and I sensed his heartbeat increase beneath my fingertips which I had at his neck. I didn't want him to beast out again, I wanted him to stay right there with me. So I … I pressed myself against him, kissing him more eagerly, hoping that this would stop him from how he had behaved the last times he had woken up. I just didn't know what else to do. I know… I know why is that the only thing I could come up with? Why nothing else? Why does it always have to end up like this? That was why they kidnapped me in the first place. To them I am just some breeding female. Do I think of myself that way? No, I don't! If we were somewhere else, if your lives were different and we actually would be boyfriend and girlfriend and my boyfriend would have nightmares because of his job, I would do the same.  
So yes, yes he instantly reacted to me and nothing else, yes he brought up both his hand on my back and I, I made him pull my shirt off. Yes, his eyes started glowing but his expression was so, so different. When I leaned down and my head was just in his reach he framed my face with his hands, pulled me back down towards him to kiss me, like he just had seen me for the first time in days. He rolled me on my back to grind himself against me tossing all my thoughts into a blazing fire. He makes me forget and I make him forget. it's just us. Vincent and Catherine and no one else.  
I just love his golden eyes look at me like that, because they are so different when he's that close to me. I love how he makes me feel, how he turns the air into pure electricity dancing on my skin. I love how he makes me burn up inside so scorching hot that I feel like freezing. How I seem to be able breathing water and drinking air and I sense nothing. At all. But him.  
I could write about it all. His fingertips on my thin, his lips trailing down my neck, the way he breathes, moves and holds me close, and looks at me. I want to hold on to this forever. I want to do this forever. I wish I could just freeze that moment when everything is nothing. But then it's like taking your very first breath, using your lungs for the very first time, when you crash back into everything. And I thought it was starting to rain. But it were tears, mine and his. It's like taking your first breath only to drown.  
He's sleeping again, cuddled up to my back, clinging to me even more than before and I'll close that diary now to turn around and wrap my arms around him like I did before I put this down. He might be a beast with super-human strength, speed and agility, but I feel like I am still stronger.


	121. Day 124

Nothing has changed. Much. He's still sleeping a lot, but he has relaxed enough so not pace around watching me making my work out. Yet he still beasts out every waking moment. It just… it just breaks my heart. And it reminds me of what I have told White: that I can calm him down. But how am I supposed to do that when he's terrified of losing me? I wish… I just wish the would just send someone in here he can fight and win against so that he might feel better. He's been here for years. I wonder if he still knows what hope is. I lost it for a few days, being her for four months. For him… it's four years I think. All I can do is hold him, caress him, be gentle and kind and warm. The way he reacts to all this. It's like … like he has forgotten how it is like… how to be a human being. It tears my heart out. I don't know what else to do. There is only one thing apart from giving him comfort and closeness that I know makes him forget what ever he cannot forget. I know that he will need time, but there is always the question drawing circles above our heads like a vulture: how long? How much time will we have? And I know, I just know that he never will find enough piece on his own. He needs me. For me it's enough to see that he is alive, that I am still the most important thing in his existence and it makes me feel so selfish. But Vincent… knowing that I am here with him is not enough. Like he doesn't trust himself with me. All I can do is show him that his fears aren't mine.  
I'm not sure what they expect. I'm not sure if it's White or Black or whomever. I just do what I can do. And that is trying to calm him down. I don't want him to let down his guard and to give in to an illusion. Somehow I believe trying to make him feel comfortable is wrong. He's been here longer than me. He probably knows better that no peace lasts long. And I can't trust this silence either. Somehow I begin to think that trying to make believe that he can run around in human form is better, is weakening him. Is it selfish of me? It's just the surface of him, I know in his core he is one and the same. Do I love his face or his soul? This question is easy to answer so why do I even worry? Because I feel that he's struggling, that he's hurt, that he's tormented. And I just can't bear watching him like that.  
So I do, what I can do, because I can't handle seeing him like that. Moving around like a hurt animal in a cage, pacing up and down, watching me guarding me like the only precious thing he has. And he is right. I think. For me he is the air to breathe, the water to drink, the food to feed, he is my life, my reason to live, so I guess it's just the same for him. Maybe that's what they are aiming for. To kill us with tearing us apart. They must know our despair right now.  
Vincent will always be my Vincent, Beast or not. I will always love him, no matter what. And somehow I knew that I had to show him. Maybe me trying to make him shift back or stop him from beasting out made it worse. So I… I suddenly had this idea that I had to show him I didn't care. Despite how strange he looks, how warped. But the surface doesn't say anything about the inside. I felt like he needed to know.  
I really have few experience. I never had a real relationship, at least given my definition. So what else was I supposed to do? Dinner was over and I assumed that we would be alone. I did my Thai Chi and he was doing push-ups. Can you… can you imagine watching someone like him, build like that … I mean how those muscles flex and relax…. can you even blame me?  
So I did what I did. Why should I even write it down? I'm sure the cameras caught me dropping my clothes. I really don't care if he is beast or human and I just wanted him to know, I just wanted to savor the moments,the minutes I have left with him.  
What can I write? Just that I love him. I love him so much. If I just would be able to put it into words how he looked at me when I stood in front of him naked, walking towards me. After all those times we already had, he … he still marveled at me like I was some sort of miracle. Beast or no Beast. I had to walk towards him, frame his face with my hands, pull it towards mine before he even dared to touch me. How is this even possible. How can such a sweet, precious soul end up in a Hell like this. I deserve this more than him.  
I don't know if I should describe what happened next. He's incapable to resist me and I don't waste a thought anymore about how he looks like because he still makes me feel the same, my pushed against the wall or my chest, barely a difference. He turns me into a beast, a demanding one, that kind that doesn't get enough. When he's in that other form it's like I loose my on restraint and I … I shouldn't admit how much I love it. I know that I would be able to go on with this in a normal life, as long as he is in it.


	122. Day 125 part one

Every time I wake up at night I'm holding him and mostly he's clinging to me. Tonight I barely slept. At least not in a way that gave me rest and I don't know why even, I just assume that I can't stop worrying about Vincent despite being with him. He is worse than when I first met him.  
Although he manages to calm down enough that at least on the surface he seems normal, but his eyes. His eyes stay yellow. As if he is trying to hold up a facade so that I don't worry. I am watching him now as well. Just as he does. When he showered I watched in the bathroom so that he could see me, but I left him alone, because … I'm not sure that it is the right way to make him relax with … sex. And… somehow I am afraid that they will separate us the moment they think that he can control himself entirely again.  
The most important thing is that he gets better, but he's … damaged. I think in ways I cannot even imagine and I… I am his greatest weakness. It's me that will eventually destroy him. Without me he would be better off. I know that. I know that now, because of what happened today.  
I'm not sure if this really isn't White's plan after all. He's a madman genius, at least it appears like that. I … I despise him so much that I cannot even hate him anymore. He's like cancer tantalizing me and I just want him to be gone. I don't even want him to die a slow excruciating death. I just want him to be gone. To vanish out of existence. I don't even want to kill him. I just want him to leave and never come back.  
I'm so… I'm so upset.. and I… I'm sitting in the corner next to the door that leads to the corridor, I guess, where the food comes.  
It was getting better. Vincent was getting better and I just know that this was the reason. Or was it revenge? We just were finished with dinner and… now we will never trust the peace .. I just…. I'm … my eyes are burning. I can't barely see because of those tears but I need to write it down because …. because Vincent won't listen.  
White… meaning Dr. Clay Sorenson suddenly appeared. As in waking in to the space that was cut off from our room by the bars. We both had just been… cuddling on the bed and the second Vincent even heard a movement behind that door jumped up and beast out. Full on code yellow. And White just strolled in with a smug smirk on his lips. I didn't even try to calm Vincent down, but I got up and stepped at his side to show him that I was with him.  
God…he just… doesn't he trust me? I know that …  
I didn't realize that he was holding a pad until he pulled it from under his arm, switching it on with that smirk. I was… we both expected him to say something, to insult us, but all he did was bringing his fingers on that touchpad and then turn it around. The sound of that video was so loud in my ears. Deafening and I just wish… I don't know what I wished. White just looked at us, smirking like the devil himself as he showed the taping of my last encounter with Peter.  
I wasn't thinking, I just leaped forward against the bars, trying to reach that pad of his to switch it off but he just made moved it out of my reach and despite that I still tried. I should have known when his eyes moved quickly away from me. The pad slid to the side, still out of our reach but so that Vincent still could see it and he just stared. And I… I couldn't do a thing because White grabbed my wrist and my throat, pulling me against the bars making me choke.  
"You are alive, because I allow you to. You are here, because I allow it", White whispered to me, almost hissing. "You are mine. Don't forget that."  
I looked into his eyes and despite their brightness there were endless pits.  
"No", I heard myself say, choking. "You told me that Vincent was even more valuable to you and I… I'm most valuable to him…"  
And that was when it got me. This was his agenda right now.  
"No… let go of me. Let go of me!" I yelled as loud as I can, hoping to get Vincent out of his paralysis still staring and not staring at the tape.  
"Once I get you", White continued. "I will teach you to behave."  
I swallowed.  
"Vincent", I gasped out pleadingly, trying to break his grip on my throat and get away from those bars that were pressed into my face.  
He didn't react.  
"Do you still want her?" I could hear White rise his voice. "Even though she's tainted? Do you hear how she enjoys it?"  
I struggled, exchanging pain against pain. All this training, all this work out and still I couldn't free myself and White was twisting my wrist to keep me put.  
"It's your choice 22"; White addressed him who still stared at the pad. "Share her or don't have her at all."  
I couldn't see his expression, just that he didn't move. I'm not even sure if he watched it or if he just had frozen, being paralyzed.  
"Stop", I gasped out pleadingly. "Just stop."


	123. Day 125 part two

Vincent flinched and growled before I or even White heard something and the light of the windows cut through the darkness in this room that I couldn't see what Sorenson saw, but I felt him tense.  
And then I heard another growl, a different one, higher than Vincent and something came closer. I am sure that White could feel my pulse increase once more beneath his fingers holding my throat, because he gripped tighter and my wrist did hurt so much that I felt tears in my eyes. I needed to blink to recognize her. It was 20. I was so confused, because she was … threatening White.  
"King", he murmured almost inaudibly, but I could hear it, fighting against his grip on my neck because it was getting harder to breathe and Vincent wasn't helping me.  
"Sorenson, it's enough." I never had heard this voice before, had I? I'm not sure, but White let go of my neck, but not my wrist.  
I breathed in deeply, swallowing against the soreness and watching 20 coming closer, her eyes fixated on White. But then, for the blink of an eye she looked at me. Too quickly for anyone to realize but me. And behind her a man approached I never had seen before. Olive skin, a bit darker than 20's, short black hair, dark eyes and a beard, walking like he was in charge and I realized that he was.  
"Let go of the girl", the man who had been called King by White ordered almost bored and as Sorenson didn't obey instantly he added in a colder tone. "Or I'll ask 20 to help you."  
Kind didn't even look at him but leaned down to get the touch-pad, looking at the tape that had already ended. When his eyes moved they landed on me, just when I was able to pull back my hand, rubbing my wrist. His glanced moved away to Vincent who had straitened up, glaring at King now.  
"Now leave", that man said - was he Black? - and turned his look back to White. "Don't make me tell you everything. We will talk about this later. And Tess…" Hearing this name made me freeze, even more as I saw how 20 reacted to that, instantly relaxing and turning towards King with tilting her head. "Please make sure that he will wait at my office for me."  
When that sentence was finished White suddenly was able to move fast and 20 followed him, though she was looking at King as long as she could and he obviously encouraged her through responding to it likewise.  
As they left King turned towards us and then looked at the pad again. He didn't play it but his expression told me that he knew. He clapped the back of the pad against his open palm like it would help him to think while he said nothing, just looked at me for a long time and then at Vincent, who was still beasted out.  
"This is not just about breeding", he suddenly said and I realized that he was talking to me. "Unlike he told you", King pointed into the direction of the door, meaning White.  
He looked at me as if he was thinking about adding something, but he changed his mind, dropping his gaze onto the pad again. King turned around and looked at Vincent who glared back at him.  
"This", he placed put his finger on the display. "won't happening again. Unless you make us."  
With that he left.

Vincent hasn't spoken to me ever since. And I haven't tried to. He has left me the bed while pacing up and down the cage. I don't dare to address him or touch him and I don't know what to do. I just with that King would have said more. Now I just have the pieces of the puzzles in front of me and try to make sense of them once again, now that I have more.  
White lied about 20. She obviously is loyal to King and not to him wo about what else did he lie? And then the video of Peter and me. The two of us put together just when I was about to be returned? was this a coincidence? Or did White … was this not his doing? Did he know that I would be returned to Vincent? Should I have been returned earlier to help him and he held me back? Bringing me and Peter together for the sole purpose of showing it to Vincent so that he would despise me? And then what? Would we be parted for good? And what then?  
I remember what White asked Vincent. If he still would want me when I was tainted. Was this what all of this was about? … Did White want to have me for himself?


	124. Day 126

What can I write? Nothing. Because that's what Vincent says. Nothing, because that's what I am doing. This is in deed a cage now with the both of us trying to distract ourselves from each other.  
I tried. I really tried to talk to him but he just turns away. but at least… at least he seems to be calm enough to not beast out the moment he's awake. But it's tormenting me because I know he's hurt. It's not that kind of pain that makes him turn, it's that kind of pain betrayal causes. But he won't listen and I really do blame myself. I should have known. I should have noticed. And I can't stop asking myself why I didn't. Because I didn't want to? I was attracted to Peter before, maybe a part of me still is? But no, just no. I love Vincent and I hate myself.


	125. Day 127

I feel like … I feel like dying. I don't know how to describe it. I think I will have my menses again soon and maybe because of that I'm too sensitive, too emotional.  
I don't understand Vincent. I don't understand why he stays away from me, to look at me, to speak to me. It just… I just wish I could explain, but he turns away whenever I try to say something. Didn't he hear king? Does he really despise me that much all of the sudden that he is willing to…. that he tosses me away just like that?

I've been crying. I've been crying my heart out. I had given up. I finally broke. I couldn't keep up with it. So I just went into the bathroom and showered mixing that water with my tears, bringing a door between us because it was more bearable to be alone than around him. The water deafened me, numbed me, but on the inside I was screaming. I didn't even have enough strength to hurt myself, to pull my hair or scratch me, to vent something of this pain.  
That's when I heard him. He didn't roar or scream or anything. And at first I didn't realize that it was him, because it sounded like someone was renovating, breaking down a wall. But it wasn't metal on concrete. Or wood. And it just shook me. I as worried. Even though he was rejecting me I was worried about him, but I couldn't help it I had to get out of that shower. At least to make sure that he was still there and still ignoring me. But I wasn't prepared. I hadn't been to see what I saw.  
It was him, that sound was him, because Vincent was punching the wall with his bare fists. He didn't even notice me coming out of the shower, not even turning off the water. He just kept punching, and hitting and huffing and I heard the concrete stone wall crack and ache.  
Vincent shot around as he heard me gasp and now I realize that it was a sound I made him notice I was there. His eyes were blowing the purple veins on his face, his naked torso pulsating, but he was stuck somewhere in between turning. It was like he was hitting himself, fighting himself and I saw blood drop from his hands and staining the wall. I was paralyzed seeing him like that. I wasn't able to process, to understand all this. What had I done to make him so angry?  
I knew how wrong I was as soon as I saw the tears on his face, that he wasn't shaking with anger but shivering.  
"I'm sorry," his voice was as dusty as the concrete grains at his feet, colored in red. "I'm so sorry."  
I made just one step, barely managed to speak out his name when he already had crossed the space, yet stopping, hesitating to touch me as if he would break me, as if he would stain. All I could do was bring up my free hand to his cheek, brushing my fingers across his stubbly face and the tears that covered his skin. And we both couldn't stop crying, not as he nestled his face into my hand, not as stepped closer.  
I was so confused and I think I still am. I still try to understand what goes around in his head, what has happened to him, that he thinks like that.  
He really believes that all of this is his fault and I think it's mine.  
"I'm so sorry for not protecting you", he said, plucking strains of wet hair out of my face and I just could think about his injured hands, not because they would stain my hair but because he was bleeding and he didn't mind. "From him, from them, from myself", he ended up holding my face in his hands.  
And I forgot everything, to think, to breathe, when I heard him say something else and it didn't sound like an apology, or an explanation, or like something that was used to make everything alright and fine and forgiven and yet those words managed to do the same thing as me being as closest to him as it would ever be possible.  
"I love you."  
He said it and I skipped. How cruel it must have been, I don't now. I just heard his voice and saw the way he looked at me, so desperate, so honest so… in love with me, that I wanted to tear out my heart and put it right next to his.  
I just, got on my tiptoes and kissed him. Telling him "I love you" between every kiss and he pulled me close, so close. Hit felt so good, so perfect that I started crying again.  
And we just lay down, he embracing me, his chest at my back. If he never lets me go I don't mind.


	126. Day 128

I really don't want to waste time on writing when I can spend it with him. We don't know for how long they will allow us to stay together. We just want to take the chance of finally getting to know each other. So I don't know when or if I ever will write. And writing here just makes me realize how fragile this peace is and I just don't want to think about the future. Only about the now.


	127. Day 131

Dear Catherine,  
I haven't seen you writing in here for a few days. I can only guess that you don't want to continue writing because you don't need it any more or want to spend as much time with me, like you told me.  
I am sure you don't mind me writing this, because I think, once they take me away again, you will at least this. We both know that sooner or later we will be separated again and I know that this is the last thing you want to think about right now, just as me. Forgive me for failing.  
I just want… I need you to know that whatever happens: I love you. And I hope that despite whatever happens you will not forget this and you will forgive me for failing you again. Eventually it will happen,and you know it. That I can't protect you in here … it makes me wake up in the middle of the night, just like now. And the only way I can calm down myself is to watch you sleep, how you wiggle your nose while dreaming, watching you smile slightly and make those funny noises. I'm sorry for writing it down, I just love to tease you with this.  
I love you,  
V


	128. Day 136

Two weeks. Two weeks exactly they allowed us to be together. When King came standing exactly where White had stood when he showed that tape, he told Vincent that if he would cooperate he would be returned to me as fast as possible. So he just looked at me briefly, got up and followed him. And now I am here. Alone. I have seen what he wrote to me and it made me smile and cry, pressing this diary close to my chest as close as possible. I don't even want to write, but somehow I need to. I don't want to be scared for him, don't want my thoughts to race in circles, driving myself insane about things that I can't control.  
We had peace. For just a few days. No one disturbed us apart from bringing us food. It was almost like being a normal couple.. I know. How can I say such a thing, right? I man just look where I am. In a freaking cell about 15 feet square. It's blue and gray and rather cold. There is just one big bed in the corner, nothing fancy. Not even furniture because I guess Vincent used to destroy it. But the past days he… ever since he told me that he was so sorry, he … Vincent was at peace. As close as he can get to it, I guess. We talked a lot. He told me about his brothers, about his childhood, his parents. And about Alex as well. His friends. How he decided to become something else unlike the rest of his family. To become a doctor. Saving people in his own way. How he lost his brothers, how he couldn't live with this pain, how not even Alex was able to soothe this gaping hole where one his heart hat been, that slowly was filling itself with anger, to numb this loss. I can only imagine how he must have felt like. To not be there to save them when the towers buried them alive. No, I can't even imagine that.  
In return I told him about myself. About growing up with my little sister. How I lost my mother in an armed robbery, and ow difficult it was for me to cope with my Dad remarrying. All my troubles, all my worries seem so childish compared to his. But he listened, comforted me, held my lose why I told him everything. He didn't even laugh about me telling him that I believed that my mother was executed, not accidentally killed. He just listened, even inquired, telling me that I even might be right.  
And now he's gone. Again. I just hope that King stays true to his word, that ha can be trusted, at least a little bit and yet… I think I won't sleep tonight. Because I will wait for something to happen. I will wait for someone, something to show up and that it will be all about breeding again.  
It's…. it's not like we didn't. We really didn't… I mean we tried not to, because all we did until then was … just that. So we talked a lot and cuddled and forgot time. We just were close and … who am I fooling.I just can't keep my hands off of him. And there is nothing to be scared about. I don't mind his eyes glowing. It actually… I actually like it, I love it. I love the fact that it happens every time. Every single time. It's hard to explain. I think I would be scared if it didn't happen. Like it would tell me that he doesn't … want me that much. It this insane?  
And… the last few days he couldn't keep his hands off of me either. I think the more confident he became around me the less hesitantly he was. I think we were as close to happy as one can get down here. Up to the point that we forgot where or who we were. I catch myself thinking that it was good that King turned up. I forgot that I want to get out of here. I still want to get out of here, but I will never leave without him. I can't imagine being without him, without him in my reach. It's crazy. Being here, sitting on this bed that still smells of him, I still feel close, like there is this glint of hope that we won't be separated, that he will return to me. Imagining that I somehow got out of here, leaving him behind. Right now that thought alone is even more unbearable than accepting the fact that I will be imprisoned here forever.  
Is that what Kind was aiming for? Was this the actual plan? Not to break me, but to break my wish, my need for freedom?  
I don'tmind the bars. I don't mind that dim light, those rays of sunlight. The cold, me turning pale. I don't mind having just a few books, having my meal on a tablet. I don't mind that all my clothes look the same, that i have one iPod, just a few books, no Internet, no Television. I don't mind anything as long as I have Vincent. And I'm sure they know.


	129. Day 137

I didn't expect them to leave me alone I was prepared for everything else. For someone to show up and talk to my, mock me, threaten me, for being used and molested, not for me being left in peace. And even silence and loneliness is no real peace. i have learned that down here it's just another tool of torture. How much I have changed. In everything I see darkness and evil, where I once didn't even think about once. I know I will never be able to change back to the person I once was, but I'm not even sad about it, because that person had no idea of the world, and about its cruelty. Yes, I probably have seen humanity in its darkest shades, yes, I wouldn't have mind to be forced down a not so rough part and yet I know I cannot undo what has happened, I cannot see what future lies ahead and still I cannot stop trying to figure out today. I guess that's the real curse of being human.


	130. Day 138

Just when I was thinking about if I can bare for this to go on forever. Me waiting… like just waiting for everything. For Vincent to return, for someone to show up to torment me in any possible way, or just wait, be alone, try it distract myself from the loneliness hat tosses my thoughts into darkness… just then something happens that I don't expect.  
King came to visit me. I'm wondering if he is Black. It would be so obvious, wouldn't it? I doubt that the big boss would just waltz in here. No. But that's not even the strangest thing of this happening. He came with his Beastess (yes, I invented the word, she's female, so…) 20 was her number but I think I remember him calling her Tess. Apart from Peter being called with his name I never have heard a Beast being addressed with his or her actual name, not that I have a lot of experience. I mean, possibly only White used the numbers, but maybe only Kind uses the real names. I don't know. However it's somewhat creepy how she behaves around him. Somehow like Vincent behaved around me until the last few days. She seems so protective almost possessive of him and when he left her with me it appeared to me like she was close to physical pain. Yes, he left her with me. He wished me a good morning - after all it was past Breakfast.  
"I have a new task for you", he told me in a voice that was used to giving orders that were never questioned. "You have been quite successful in approaching our subjects and make them respond in a more appealing way. Though you haven't had quite the choice which approach you could use. I want you to try to reach her … human side", Kind pointed at Tess who looked at me questioningly and I was more than surprised.  
"No worry", he didn't give me the chance to say or ask anything, just assuming what my question would be, and he was about right. "I won't put her in the same cage with you. Not until you both have become more familiar with each other."  
i expected him to leave just like that, but he wasn't White. He turned towards 20 ans spoke to her lowly Just him petting her head was missing. His voice was soft and warm as he mumbled something and I caught myself wondering if I had just the worst of them in White, someone who didn't really represent them. But then again, I just had to look into Tess' torn eyes to know that I was just fooling myself.I wish I could write about any progress, but all I got to see was the Beast #20. She paced up and down the small part her side of the bars,obviously being nervous, uneasy. My attempts to even say something were blocked off with angry glares. She behaved like a pet that felt it was given away. I hate to use that metaphor but I don't know how else to describe it. And that was basically it.  
King picked her up before Lunch and he didn't say a thing, obviously knowing that I hadn't achieved anything.  
I keep asking myself if this should only distract me from Vincent not being here. I am sure that they are making tests with him. But why not bring him back for night? Maybe it's still about breeding just now they make us that much that we don't think about it when we get back together? If? No. I will see him again.


	131. Day 139

I don't want this to be my new schedule. Not that I mind having someone else, someone I think who is not an enemy around me…. not I really don't know if 20 is an enemy or not. The way she behaves around King. Blindly loyal, almost devoted. It makes me feel sick. And then… what would other people think about Vincent and me? If they knew how we met, what… for some he might be an animal, not human. I so easily judge White, because what he did, what he has done, how he has treated me was so disgusting, it will leave me scarred for the rest of my life and still I know that there would be countless other people who would judge me for loving Vincent. And now me, wrinkling my nose at 20 at Tess and King…. I ignored her the whole day and she did so most of the time as well, I guess. But she watched me as well. I could see her quick movements out of the corners of my eyes when I was about to look at her. I… I really ask myself what King expects from this. What will he do to her if I succeed, what if I don't? Does he really care about her?  
So many questions. I know he won't answer to them, but I don't know if she's able to. And … the worst thing is: no Vincent.  
I wonder if today they will return Tess to me after Lunch. I want Vincent back. I just need him back. Somehow I feel like I have to work with Tess in order to get him back, make myself useful. And maybe that's not even a bad idea. I mean… this would mean that two of their subjects need me. They would never let me go anyway. I have to consider this as a chance. To get into a more powerful position. White had underestimated me. Will King as well? Will he react the same way when he realizes that?

They didn't bring her back and I feel somewhat bad and egoistic. I can't even tell if that's just naive or stupid of me, or not. For more that four months I have been only with myself when it came to morals, to do what is right, to know what is right. How can I even tell what I think is even right or wrong? I just… I feel so lost right now. And I fear not even Vincent being back will help me anymore. All the time it has been my survival. I've chosen that … I've decided that being in love with Vincent is right, despite how it happened… I mean… do I even know… is this even in love? Or am I just trying to make what he has done right? It wasn't…. but had he really no choice? The way Tess behaves… it's like she has lost herself in the beast, but Vincent…. why I was taken for him was that he hadn't totally in the first place. Why? Why now? Why must I doubt myself right now. Everything right now? It was so easy to believe that everything has just this one obvious dimension, but even I myself am not one dimensional. Peter wasn't. It's not good for me to be alone with my thought, with what I have learned. Is this was King tries to .. to give me? A friend? Or does he think that having a friend will make Tess better?  
I don't know what is right anymore. I just….


	132. Day 140

I just feel like … unless I don't make progress with Tess I wont see Vincent again. I know that this makes no sense since I'm here because of him for him actually. But I haven't heard a thing, not a sign. It's just the same with King than with White. Maybe he's not a sadist, but … it just seems that he cares less about me. if this makes any sense to you.  
I am writing this while Tess being here. I don't even know if I can call her that because she is really that number, when I look at her. She's still like a Tigress pacing up and down, waiting for King to return. Why would he even want to change that? What for? Or does he just give me a task I can't solve?

Actually Tess was curious what I was doing, so I told her and she seemed to listen, to watch me as I explained that I was writing a diary, to remember. She seemed that it was interesting.  
Maybe that's how I can get to her?  
They took her before I could go on and now I have to wait, again.


	133. Day 141

Still no Vincent. And I have to say that I am a bit grateful to have Tess around, even for a few hours. I mean it's longer than before and she stopped pacing, maybe because I don't look at her anymore, just accept her around. And then I got it.

She doesn't like me to write. First it was okay until I told her that I was writing until I told her that I was writing about her. She huffed, at least I think she did because that sound she made was a mixture of snarling and growling. So I put the diary aside and I told her that I wouldn't if she didn't want to.  
"It's just a diary", I said and she turned her head back at me, tilting it slightly, so I asked. "You know what a diary is, right?"  
Her expression and pose didn't change.  
"I write about myself and what happens on my days", I explained and made her frown, like why on earth I would do that.  
I guess she didn't like me writing about her because that's all the other people do around her: taking notes, monitoring her, testing her. Is that what I'm here for? Am I her normality and she's not mine?  
"I'm Cat", I said and smiled at her and she straightened up. "I know you're Tess", and this made her blink, so I added. "They gave you the number 20." her eyes narrowed. "But I know you are Tess." and that was when she smiled, well at least I think that's what she looks like when she's smiling, being stuck in that transformation.  
So i spend the rest of the time with her talking about me and I think she actually thought about sitting down, listening to me bragging about my sister and my few friends I had had in high school. I really talked about many boring things but she listened and reacted with rolling her eyes and purring chuckles. I mean I know that went pretty fast and pretty well but somehow … it feels like she's waiting for someone like me. For someone who doesn't make everything about her being not normal.  
I just hope Vincent is okay.


	134. Day 146

They took me away.

So many things have happened and I don't know where to start. when i found it back on my bed when the brought me back, I instantly checked if there were any entrances, if Vincent had written down something but nothing. nothing. I am worries sick. I feel sick. Are those days the only one they had for me? I catch myself wishing back to the days with White. Because at least I was with Vincent again after a few days of torment. And now. Nothing. Nothing!

Where was I the last five days? When they took me they told me it was just some medical checkup and I didn't even try to count to see if it was true. It was just routine, less than the last one … But I didn't get back into out cell. They brought me somewhere else and I was so terribly reminded of those absolutely early days that I thought I could hear my own heartbeat echoing from the walls. But I wasn't chained. Yet was this proof enough that they didn't toss me to another beast? four maybe?

I didn't expect for lights to go on slowly. I didn't expect to see something like a room, so similar to the one that Vincent and I were living it. And I most certainly didn't expect Tess to be sitting there, looking up at me in curiosity. Or that she looked like she was shyly smiling.

They left me with her. I… I will write down more later. I just can't write any more now.


End file.
